IPOD
RADIO
It never ceases to amaze me the therapeutic powers of an open road.
The vast space, and the freedom that comes with feeling like if you wanted to, you could just keep driving.
I was driving for an hour or so today, feeling more amazing with every passing tree. This world is so beautiful, it has so much to offer, and I realised… I have everything I need.
I am happy with the person I'm becoming, I'm proud of myself, I have my dignity, I have my Peanut (my kitten).
I am self sufficient. I have only myself to rely on, and only myself to let down, and I love it.
I'm growing more and more and finding I have more to offer the world, and more to offer myself. I'm finding reward in daily interactions, and content in simply being.
I think back to years ago, bleeing, crying, crazy, pathetic little girl. I don't even know her, and yet she's buried deep inside.
If I could speak to her back then, if I could go back in time to myself at that age I'd say "We get there in the end kiddo."
And now I'm crying, now the tears come. Not because I'm alone, not because I'm heartbroken, but because I never thought I'd be this strong and healthy, and because it's all been worth it, and because there's so much more to come!
Bring on Broome!!!! Hope you're all doing amazingly.
P.S. I hate boats and all people that like boats.
The vast space, and the freedom that comes with feeling like if you wanted to, you could just keep driving.
I was driving for an hour or so today, feeling more amazing with every passing tree. This world is so beautiful, it has so much to offer, and I realised… I have everything I need.
I am happy with the person I'm becoming, I'm proud of myself, I have my dignity, I have my Peanut (my kitten).
I am self sufficient. I have only myself to rely on, and only myself to let down, and I love it.
I'm growing more and more and finding I have more to offer the world, and more to offer myself. I'm finding reward in daily interactions, and content in simply being.
I think back to years ago, bleeing, crying, crazy, pathetic little girl. I don't even know her, and yet she's buried deep inside.
If I could speak to her back then, if I could go back in time to myself at that age I'd say "We get there in the end kiddo."
And now I'm crying, now the tears come. Not because I'm alone, not because I'm heartbroken, but because I never thought I'd be this strong and healthy, and because it's all been worth it, and because there's so much more to come!
Bring on Broome!!!! Hope you're all doing amazingly.
P.S. I hate boats and all people that like boats.
it had to be the 11th didn't it?
b and i went for lunch today. it was quiet and broody, at times fun, at times cute, generally lovely. we went to freo, which feels tastes smells and looks like home to me. that place just fills me with comfort.
and yet, i felt strangely detached from him. perhaps it's because he doesn't feel like he can publicly label us "together" so there's an unusual lack of affection. perhaps it's that i realised days ago it was over.
so lunch was lovely, he was lovely as he always is. he held my hand on the way home and i wriggled casually out of it. he got upset but i couldn't offer explanation. i dropped him home. he squeezed me tight. and i watched him walk away.
those shoulders...
i tried to leave it be, but i couldn't. the words were burning inside me, so i sent him a text message (i'm always better in text than speech) outlining why we couldn't continue this. he said he wishes he could be what i deserve. this makes me so angry. i love him so much for his entire being, faults and flaws inclusive! but i'm done arguing this. i just feel numb. i got all emotional and told him we'd be perfect if he just gave it a chance. he said he doesn't know what to say. i said that in itself is a worry.
he said "i do love you"
and with that, it was over. i sent one last message bidding him farewell and letting him know it was the most AMAZING time of my life. i let him know he has a place in my heart for eternity, that i'm proud of him, that i love him, and that i hope to be friends one day.
strangely i feel peaceful. numb, calm, i don't know. i just feel nothing. i want to cry but can't. i guess it was a long time coming and i've had a long time to come to terms with it. or perhaps, in true klo fashion, i haven't yet let the eerie calm of shock wear off enough to feel raw emotion. tomorrow will hurt.
having said all of this, tomorrow is a new day on which i will be making coffee at the mandurah boat show. i get to wake up before the birds and catch a train south for an hour. i get to do what i love, in peace on my own, and get paid for it.
monday i have a day off which i will spend with my mum, trying to cheer her up.
tuesday i begin housesitting the amazing love-filled house in cottesloe.
really, i'm plunged into other-doings with little time to think. this can only be a good thing. through enveloping myself only in beauty, i feel i'll escape the brutal blow of heartbreak. then i leave for broome which i know will be an enlightening experience. i'll come back having such a new appreciation of the education and lifestyle i've recieved, and a newfound passion for teaching indigenous children, and other children alike. i'll come back so awe inspired and full of beautiful thoughts i know i'll come back clean and fresh.
this, i am excited about!
i got all that out.
i feel less tight in my stomach
less pressure on my chest
my eyelids are slowing
it's time for sleep
i'll see you all tomorrow, in this new life i can't wait to grasp
b and i went for lunch today. it was quiet and broody, at times fun, at times cute, generally lovely. we went to freo, which feels tastes smells and looks like home to me. that place just fills me with comfort.
and yet, i felt strangely detached from him. perhaps it's because he doesn't feel like he can publicly label us "together" so there's an unusual lack of affection. perhaps it's that i realised days ago it was over.
so lunch was lovely, he was lovely as he always is. he held my hand on the way home and i wriggled casually out of it. he got upset but i couldn't offer explanation. i dropped him home. he squeezed me tight. and i watched him walk away.
those shoulders...
i tried to leave it be, but i couldn't. the words were burning inside me, so i sent him a text message (i'm always better in text than speech) outlining why we couldn't continue this. he said he wishes he could be what i deserve. this makes me so angry. i love him so much for his entire being, faults and flaws inclusive! but i'm done arguing this. i just feel numb. i got all emotional and told him we'd be perfect if he just gave it a chance. he said he doesn't know what to say. i said that in itself is a worry.
he said "i do love you"
and with that, it was over. i sent one last message bidding him farewell and letting him know it was the most AMAZING time of my life. i let him know he has a place in my heart for eternity, that i'm proud of him, that i love him, and that i hope to be friends one day.
strangely i feel peaceful. numb, calm, i don't know. i just feel nothing. i want to cry but can't. i guess it was a long time coming and i've had a long time to come to terms with it. or perhaps, in true klo fashion, i haven't yet let the eerie calm of shock wear off enough to feel raw emotion. tomorrow will hurt.
having said all of this, tomorrow is a new day on which i will be making coffee at the mandurah boat show. i get to wake up before the birds and catch a train south for an hour. i get to do what i love, in peace on my own, and get paid for it.
monday i have a day off which i will spend with my mum, trying to cheer her up.
tuesday i begin housesitting the amazing love-filled house in cottesloe.
really, i'm plunged into other-doings with little time to think. this can only be a good thing. through enveloping myself only in beauty, i feel i'll escape the brutal blow of heartbreak. then i leave for broome which i know will be an enlightening experience. i'll come back having such a new appreciation of the education and lifestyle i've recieved, and a newfound passion for teaching indigenous children, and other children alike. i'll come back so awe inspired and full of beautiful thoughts i know i'll come back clean and fresh.
this, i am excited about!
i got all that out.
i feel less tight in my stomach
less pressure on my chest
my eyelids are slowing
it's time for sleep
i'll see you all tomorrow, in this new life i can't wait to grasp
One week til Broome and I need it more than EVER!
So excited!!!! In one week from now I'm going to be lying on Cable Beach soaking up harmful UV Rays... I'm all jumpy and squirmy so excited for that day to just be HERE.
But before that I'll be housesitting in Cottesloe again (as of Tuesday) within walking distance of the beach. It's going to be a very good start to my summer!
On another note, I work too much. But I can't help it. It keeps my mind focussed and off shit things. It keeps my sanity strong and keeps me healthy and honest lol
I work maybe 50 hours a week but I can't stop. I love money and I love my work, I love the people there, I love my position as supervisor, I'm just well content at the moment.
I don't even feel the need for a man who loves me, which is making it easier to tell B not to speak to me until he has something to offer, I don't even want to see him until after I come back from Broome. I'm so independent and confident right now. I could have anything, but I don't need or want it, I have work and my kitten and some wicked friends, what more could I ask for?
And did I mention I'm going to Broome?!?
So excited!!!! In one week from now I'm going to be lying on Cable Beach soaking up harmful UV Rays... I'm all jumpy and squirmy so excited for that day to just be HERE.
But before that I'll be housesitting in Cottesloe again (as of Tuesday) within walking distance of the beach. It's going to be a very good start to my summer!
On another note, I work too much. But I can't help it. It keeps my mind focussed and off shit things. It keeps my sanity strong and keeps me healthy and honest lol
I work maybe 50 hours a week but I can't stop. I love money and I love my work, I love the people there, I love my position as supervisor, I'm just well content at the moment.
I don't even feel the need for a man who loves me, which is making it easier to tell B not to speak to me until he has something to offer, I don't even want to see him until after I come back from Broome. I'm so independent and confident right now. I could have anything, but I don't need or want it, I have work and my kitten and some wicked friends, what more could I ask for?
And did I mention I'm going to Broome?!?
10 days til I leave for Broome.
I cannot wait to get out of here and get some sun!
P.S. Me blonde:
My brothers and I:
I cannot wait to get out of here and get some sun!
P.S. Me blonde:
My brothers and I:
So...
my week in pictures:
my friend had a cops robbers and gangsters party
I'm not usually one for partying with pretty people, or making effort for such events, but my new friend Jo showed me u can be pretty AND awesome haha we had so much fun!
the party itself was shit, but the adventures we had going to and fro were priceless
I made out with a girl I've had a crush on since I was 15 and met on the bus
my brother is adorable when he bites into cheezles
my soulmate in all his loveliness
lazy kangaroo
our night at the cott, my seemingly teenage drinking habits hehe
in an effort to return to blonde, i managed to look like this lil guy:
but i fixed it, it's now more blonde & strawberry brown than just plain ranga
haven't decided if i like it yet, may still crack it & dye it blue again or something
went to the show with my brothers
had a staff party where i really ran amok!
for three days this has been and will be my home
i'm making coffee for a friend at the show from 8am-7pm, it's fairly uneventful but i like the surrealness of it
in 2 weeks i will be here
i can't wait, i wish it was now
I'll miss this one
but he needs to go away and get his shit together so he can treat me right
one day we'll make this worth it.
happy days otherwise, hope ur all well xxx
my week in pictures:
my friend had a cops robbers and gangsters party
I'm not usually one for partying with pretty people, or making effort for such events, but my new friend Jo showed me u can be pretty AND awesome haha we had so much fun!
the party itself was shit, but the adventures we had going to and fro were priceless
I made out with a girl I've had a crush on since I was 15 and met on the bus
my brother is adorable when he bites into cheezles
my soulmate in all his loveliness
lazy kangaroo
our night at the cott, my seemingly teenage drinking habits hehe
in an effort to return to blonde, i managed to look like this lil guy:
but i fixed it, it's now more blonde & strawberry brown than just plain ranga
haven't decided if i like it yet, may still crack it & dye it blue again or something
went to the show with my brothers
had a staff party where i really ran amok!
for three days this has been and will be my home
i'm making coffee for a friend at the show from 8am-7pm, it's fairly uneventful but i like the surrealness of it
in 2 weeks i will be here
i can't wait, i wish it was now
I'll miss this one
but he needs to go away and get his shit together so he can treat me right
one day we'll make this worth it.
happy days otherwise, hope ur all well xxx
Side to side
I try again
Just can't shake
This picture
The long knife
Coated in blood
Chunks of flesh
Holding firm
To it's blade
The mess
The smell
Of the burning
mattress
Inhaled smoke
burning my
lungs
No doubt,
yours too.
The empty packets
Of pills and
pills
Your blood soaked bed
Your smothered
face
The piercing
screaming
smoke alarm
"Call the ambulance!"
Crystalised
in my
mind.
I hold it back
But my mind
escapes
To relive again
Pulling back
your tea-towel
tourniquet
that open wound
the flesh inside
bloody raw
and my lunch
(had I eaten any)
threatens to uprise
so like that dream
of two days
ago
how was I to match
the symbols
the representations
how was I
to know
this was coming
for real?
All responsibility
Embedded in
your choked words
As I wrapped my
hand
around yours
And whispered
"I'm here"
Your accusational statement
"you didn't love me anymore"
It's not my fault
It can't be
Can it?
I tried to counter
Your dependency
And instead
Only succeeded
in hauling
all the weight
of your
almost
suicide
onto my
thin frail
shoulders
Side to side
I try again
Just can't shake
This guilt
I try again
Just can't shake
This picture
The long knife
Coated in blood
Chunks of flesh
Holding firm
To it's blade
The mess
The smell
Of the burning
mattress
Inhaled smoke
burning my
lungs
No doubt,
yours too.
The empty packets
Of pills and
pills
Your blood soaked bed
Your smothered
face
The piercing
screaming
smoke alarm
"Call the ambulance!"
Crystalised
in my
mind.
I hold it back
But my mind
escapes
To relive again
Pulling back
your tea-towel
tourniquet
that open wound
the flesh inside
bloody raw
and my lunch
(had I eaten any)
threatens to uprise
so like that dream
of two days
ago
how was I to match
the symbols
the representations
how was I
to know
this was coming
for real?
All responsibility
Embedded in
your choked words
As I wrapped my
hand
around yours
And whispered
"I'm here"
Your accusational statement
"you didn't love me anymore"
It's not my fault
It can't be
Can it?
I tried to counter
Your dependency
And instead
Only succeeded
in hauling
all the weight
of your
almost
suicide
onto my
thin frail
shoulders
Side to side
I try again
Just can't shake
This guilt
nothing to say
my dad sent me an email saying he misses me and it feels like forever since we spoke
(i saw him no more than a week ago)
bless his cotton socks i love that man
i'm sleepy
i cleaned the kitchen today
it feels good for it to be clean
tomorrow is mopping etc
there really is nothing to say
i hope ur all enjoying ur day!! xox
my dad sent me an email saying he misses me and it feels like forever since we spoke
(i saw him no more than a week ago)
bless his cotton socks i love that man
i'm sleepy
i cleaned the kitchen today
it feels good for it to be clean
tomorrow is mopping etc
there really is nothing to say
i hope ur all enjoying ur day!! xox
ahh so yesterday was nice
drinking in the sunshine
not drinking a lot
just a couple of glasses of wine
then i came home
was awfully sleepy
went to bed at 8pm or something
ridiculous
at 2am i woke up
with a giant headache
it kept me awake
i took some panadol
drank some water
then got that horrible fevery shivery hot cold thing
then threw up for hours
YUCK WHERE DID IT COME FROM?!
it wasn't the alcohol
i didn't drink enough
and i'm a piss head
i am a tank at the best of times
when it comes to alcohol
i dont know
it was gross tho
maybe something i ate...?
anyway
moral of the story is
i never wanna feel that way again
now i've dragged myself
out of bed
to go to the zoo with my little brother
and his class! yay!
drinking in the sunshine
not drinking a lot
just a couple of glasses of wine
then i came home
was awfully sleepy
went to bed at 8pm or something
ridiculous
at 2am i woke up
with a giant headache
it kept me awake
i took some panadol
drank some water
then got that horrible fevery shivery hot cold thing
then threw up for hours
YUCK WHERE DID IT COME FROM?!
it wasn't the alcohol
i didn't drink enough
and i'm a piss head
i am a tank at the best of times
when it comes to alcohol
i dont know
it was gross tho
maybe something i ate...?
anyway
moral of the story is
i never wanna feel that way again
now i've dragged myself
out of bed
to go to the zoo with my little brother
and his class! yay!
my sunday sesh yesterday was shit
i changed locations
and in the process of sending everyone a text to let them know
my phone broke
and i spent the rest of the night with my one friend
it was shit.
i met a really hot guy
who was msging me all nite
very persistent
but i couldn't do it
it just doesn't really interest me
b and i are not together
we're doing the "space" thing for a week or two
which works for me
but i can't hook up with someone else
the thought of it is completely unexciting!
knowing i could is a different story
that always makes me feel good
but i wouldn't actually go there
no way
i can wait for my man
i hate not having a phone
it really upsets me
stresses me out
meahwhile, here's some photos:
peanut really is like my baby...
sunbaking in my courtyard
That is all! x
i changed locations
and in the process of sending everyone a text to let them know
my phone broke
and i spent the rest of the night with my one friend
it was shit.
i met a really hot guy
who was msging me all nite
very persistent
but i couldn't do it
it just doesn't really interest me
b and i are not together
we're doing the "space" thing for a week or two
which works for me
but i can't hook up with someone else
the thought of it is completely unexciting!
knowing i could is a different story
that always makes me feel good
but i wouldn't actually go there
no way
i can wait for my man
i hate not having a phone
it really upsets me
stresses me out
meahwhile, here's some photos:
peanut really is like my baby...
sunbaking in my courtyard
That is all! x
went to the strip club last night
i'd only been once before
when i had to do promo work there
i loved it
i had so much fun
my favourite girl was the one with the cuts on her legs
and the bad bad wig
her body had nothing on the girl
next to her
but she was cute
and had spunk
loved it
spent yesterday in the sunshine
sunbaking in my courtyard
joy
fucking joy
photos later x
i'd only been once before
when i had to do promo work there
i loved it
i had so much fun
my favourite girl was the one with the cuts on her legs
and the bad bad wig
her body had nothing on the girl
next to her
but she was cute
and had spunk
loved it
spent yesterday in the sunshine
sunbaking in my courtyard
joy
fucking joy
photos later x
