So here's the thing. I hate not having closure. I can't stand when something is left open and you have no idea what someone else is thinking about something.
Every Monday a group of my friends from the club we hang out at get together and go bowling. I go when I can as I work nights and sometimes my sleep schedule does not permit me to go. I could have gone tonight. However....
The girl I had the huge blowout with was gonna be there. We were out at the club on Friday and it was fine, but that was in a room with 150 people. Sitting around a table and bowling with like seven people is a whole different situation that I am not prepared for.
So this is what bothers me. Some of it is jealousy and some is not wanting to see her break anyone elses heart like she did mine. She is extremely flirty. My bet is that she is this way because she needs the attention of as many men as she can have in her life. The problem is that flirtiness gives off signals. All we have in life to figure other people out is the signals they give off. When those signals are mixed it is very confusing to people. Our disagreement comes for her not thinking that she should be responsible for how others recieve her signals. Which I think is ridiculous.
But I am still obsessed about what she is thinking about our arguement. How she is feeling. I need to try to not think about it.
Every Monday a group of my friends from the club we hang out at get together and go bowling. I go when I can as I work nights and sometimes my sleep schedule does not permit me to go. I could have gone tonight. However....
The girl I had the huge blowout with was gonna be there. We were out at the club on Friday and it was fine, but that was in a room with 150 people. Sitting around a table and bowling with like seven people is a whole different situation that I am not prepared for.
So this is what bothers me. Some of it is jealousy and some is not wanting to see her break anyone elses heart like she did mine. She is extremely flirty. My bet is that she is this way because she needs the attention of as many men as she can have in her life. The problem is that flirtiness gives off signals. All we have in life to figure other people out is the signals they give off. When those signals are mixed it is very confusing to people. Our disagreement comes for her not thinking that she should be responsible for how others recieve her signals. Which I think is ridiculous.
But I am still obsessed about what she is thinking about our arguement. How she is feeling. I need to try to not think about it.
So I have this freind. We have been through an awful lot together. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it. I have feelings for her. But on top of the feelings I also see her do things that are just dumb. She has been through so much yet is still so naive in so many ways. It's funny all of the people I hang out with they are all needy in so many ways. Me? I need constant female attention. Not physical. Just attention in general. Which has stunted my growth because I am thirty years old and have never had one relationship. I mean besides paying for it I have only actually ever slept with one person and we were both drunk. That is this friend.
Well being thirty never having a relationship it wears on you. You question everything involved with relationships. It becomes an obsession. The thing is, is this friend of mine is the same way. Except she has had many relationships, she's even been married. I don't know what it is. I don't think I am in love with her. I don't know, maybe I am. She wants nothing to do with me romantically though. I do love her, actually that is a definite. I have other good platonic friendships with girls. One of which there is a definite love there. I love her and she does things that let me know that she loves me and makes me feel special. This other friend, I feel like she just leaches my love away from me. I don't know. I feel like a girl who is getting fucked by a guy who she loves who is just fucking her because it fulfills a need. Why are girls like this why is there this double standard?
Well being thirty never having a relationship it wears on you. You question everything involved with relationships. It becomes an obsession. The thing is, is this friend of mine is the same way. Except she has had many relationships, she's even been married. I don't know what it is. I don't think I am in love with her. I don't know, maybe I am. She wants nothing to do with me romantically though. I do love her, actually that is a definite. I have other good platonic friendships with girls. One of which there is a definite love there. I love her and she does things that let me know that she loves me and makes me feel special. This other friend, I feel like she just leaches my love away from me. I don't know. I feel like a girl who is getting fucked by a guy who she loves who is just fucking her because it fulfills a need. Why are girls like this why is there this double standard?
Ok, so a very eventful night was had. So eventful that I am still awake. Yes I am awake, which means I have been up for 26 hours. Damn maybe I should go to sleep. But the SG journal is good for this type of thing.
After we played our little tribute to the Rolling Stones 1981 surprise show at my buddies club (which by the way might just be the best time I have ever had in my life) we went to another friends diner where he made the whole band and most of the guests breakfast. That was very fun especially because I got to spend time with my bestest friend who just moved to upstate New York and I don't get to see him too often.
When I returned home my roommates invited a few people home from the show including this one girl whom I had become friendly whith over the past couple months. We began talking and found out that we share complimentary kinks as she likes to watch and I like being watched. I asked her if she wanted to partake in some of this right then and there but she refused on the basis that she was drunk and wants me to ask her again when she isn't. Fair enough I thought. There was also another girl here that I have had my eye on for a while and I just think hooking up with her would be fun because we used to be mortal enemies. My roommate ended up getting the honors though.
So my question is, are once in a lifetime experiences worth missing school over? Especially when you are taking an accelerated course? I mean my CDL course is only 16 weeks and I have already missed two days. Somehow I feel like I am fucking up again. But I will remember the Stones thing for the rest of my life. Who knows?
After we played our little tribute to the Rolling Stones 1981 surprise show at my buddies club (which by the way might just be the best time I have ever had in my life) we went to another friends diner where he made the whole band and most of the guests breakfast. That was very fun especially because I got to spend time with my bestest friend who just moved to upstate New York and I don't get to see him too often.
When I returned home my roommates invited a few people home from the show including this one girl whom I had become friendly whith over the past couple months. We began talking and found out that we share complimentary kinks as she likes to watch and I like being watched. I asked her if she wanted to partake in some of this right then and there but she refused on the basis that she was drunk and wants me to ask her again when she isn't. Fair enough I thought. There was also another girl here that I have had my eye on for a while and I just think hooking up with her would be fun because we used to be mortal enemies. My roommate ended up getting the honors though.
So my question is, are once in a lifetime experiences worth missing school over? Especially when you are taking an accelerated course? I mean my CDL course is only 16 weeks and I have already missed two days. Somehow I feel like I am fucking up again. But I will remember the Stones thing for the rest of my life. Who knows?
Man oh man oh man. New Year's was a trip. Many of my friends and I believe that New Year's was the end of something very special. 2002 was a very special year for all of us and now people are moving away, relationships are ending, some have new jobs and new schooling which is taking them away. Our little community is ending.
But we still get to do cool stuff every once in a while. Like next Saturday. Back in the eighties the Rolling Stones, while recording locally, did an impromptu show at a club that a buddy of mine now owns. Needless to say this was a BIG deal when it happened.
Well, we got together a six piece all star band from the local music scene and we are going to play 43 friggin Rolling Stones songs at the club next Saturday. We had our first practice yesterday. Ouch. Things are gonna get messy. Over thirty guest vocalists doing their best Mick Jagger. I bet you some people didn't even know Worcester had thirty bands.
I hope the drink flows freely....
But we still get to do cool stuff every once in a while. Like next Saturday. Back in the eighties the Rolling Stones, while recording locally, did an impromptu show at a club that a buddy of mine now owns. Needless to say this was a BIG deal when it happened.
Well, we got together a six piece all star band from the local music scene and we are going to play 43 friggin Rolling Stones songs at the club next Saturday. We had our first practice yesterday. Ouch. Things are gonna get messy. Over thirty guest vocalists doing their best Mick Jagger. I bet you some people didn't even know Worcester had thirty bands.
I hope the drink flows freely....
My first entry here. This site is pretty damn cool I'll say that. There will be many more entries here as I get more comfortable, I am a person who tends to gush and gush I will.
