Okay, I haven't written here in a while. Tomorrow, school starts again. This time it's the summer semester and I have never taken summer classes before. Everything is compacted. They teach in eight weeks what they usually teach in sixteen. Classes are three hours long. I have two and they are back to back. I will be in class for six hours straight. One good thing, I have the same teacher for both classes -- he will be going through whatever I am going through. We're both in it for the duration.

I'm just hoping I can find someone to carpool with like I did last semester. I'm just beginning to realize how lucky I was then. With gas so expensive this 80 minute commute is going to be a killer. I'd like either someone to carpool with or someone who will let me crash at their place for two nights a week. Then again, that's expensive too with buying meals out and all that.

What have I been doing for the past four weeks between semesters? Pretty much nothing and maybe that's a good thing. The collapsing I have done is a way for me to get in touch with myself. This whole year I've collapsed. For those who don't know, I lost my job last September and I recieved one year's severance pay. I haven't worked since then. These good times aren't going to last forever. I've got to start looking for a job. I want to move out to Lansing near school. It means farther away from home and family but maybe that's a good thing as well. I've got a Vonage phone and my mother has a nationwide calling plan. No matter how far you move away you can talk for as long as you want.

So again, what have I done these past four weeks -- squat! Oh yes, I found this little device, a multimedia hard drive, that can be hooked up to your TV. I never wanted to download TV shows and movies before because I can't stand watching them on the computer. Now, I can download shows, copy them onto this and play them back on the TV. I've got all the new Doctor Who's, all six episodes of Primeval (the TV show, not the awful movie), and the second season of Life On Mars.

I watch way too much TV.

I knew I would pay a price for how good I felt yesterday. In my classes today we had quizzes and I did badly on both of them. This is why I am learning sign language. It forces me to see myself. I think I am working against my skills. I am working at what I am weakest at - or rather, the weakest side of my self. When Mr. Nichols told us that story it went right over my head. I thought I was ready for it but I wasn't. Can I learn from this experience? I will try.

Katherine e-mailed me back. She said not to worry and that I didn't seem antisocial yesterday. On that day she told me she was going to have an Easter brunch. I wonder if she's going to invite me.

I went on stage Saturday night.

Yes, that's right. I went on stage and performed some of my sign poetry. I wasn't nervous and I think the reason for that was because my nervousness was converted to anger. I guess I put it all in my performance and it worked. I was still Irritable with people. I could feel some peoples guardedness with me, particularly with some of my former teachers. Oh, yes, this was at Madonna University as part of their student showcase. Even though I've graduated I'm still in contact with many of the people there.

It's a good thing my friend Whitney accepted my invitation. She doesn't know how to sign but she came anyways. When I complain, as I often do, about not having many friends she told me how many people were coming up to talk to me afterward. She kept me grounded. I would have stayed in my anger much longer if it hadn't been for her.

Actually, one person did say I was nervous. Randy is Deaf and he also came up to me after the show. I introduced him to Whitney and she defended me when he said I was nervous. Randy is a great guy but sometimes I think he's a bit crazy. Then again, arent we all.

Tonight, I went to Cafe 1923 in Hamtramck. A lot of my friends were there. I know many of the artists in the area. Most of this group are cartoonists. Even though I write poetry I seem to know more of the cartoonists than the poets. Maybe that's because the cartoonists are easier to find. I separated myself from them and went into the back room to write. I hope they didn't think I was being anti-social. Katherine was there. She is very pretty and is always very friendly with me. It seemed like she had a boyfriend however.

In the back room was Heather. Ten years ago I had a terrible crush on her. I firmly believed I was going to marry her. I think there is a part of me that still believes I will. This time, I was able to sit near her and not become nervous. I know that means I am stronger. I hope I will be careful with my strength. At times in the past, I have built myself up only to be knocked down again later. Maybe that's how life goes.

In truth, Heather did not look good. She wasn't dressed well and wore heavy clothing. She was very pretty once upon a time. She hardly noticed me and barely answered my questions. She reminded me very much of my sister. My sister lives in a group home and has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I wish I could do something to help Heather but how can you help someone like that? Heather helped me through a terrible problem once when I was down. Now, our places are reversed.

Okay, this was a positive blog entry. I suppose I am doing well even though I am scared when I do well

Today was my birthday and it was definitely not the greatest. Quite honestly, this whole weekend has been less than special. On saturday, I went to the Zen cooking class. That was pretty cool, I'm learning how to make vegitarian food. Afterward I met some friends at a coffeehouse in Ann Arbor. That was all right but I didn't tell anyone about my birthday. Sunday was a very disappointing day. I was going to get together with my friend Whitney but she cancelled out on me. We did talk for a while on the phone. She had broken up with a boyfriend and was trying to cope. I haven't seen Whitney in a long time. We ran into each other a few months ago at the roller derby. I was surprised she remembered me. Both of us even looked different, we had both changed so much. She promised we would get together soon. Today, I went to visit my mom. She made a steak dinner for me. How can I tell her I'm trying to cut meat out of my diet? Well, I did tell her, but I also told her that what mattered was that the meal was made with love. She got a good laugh out of that. I did stop at one of my favorite coffeehouses on the way home, the Cafe 1923 in Hamtramck. I didn't tell anyone there it was my birthday either. My friend Sophia stopped by. I could have told her but she was very sad because a Hamtramck city councilperson had died. That is pretty sad. The world needs as many progressives as it can get. Hamtramck is famous for it's city council meetings. They are like events put on by the World Wrestling Federation.

My friend, Maggie has invited me to visit her in Niagra Falls this weekend. I can't afford to go. With gas prices the way they are I estimate the round trip would cost me $50. I don't have an extra $50 to spare. Maybe she will let me come another weekend.

Okay, so this was my first blog posting. I've just noticed I'm pretty good at rambling!