Wow, people!
I havent posted nearly as much as I would've liked....I ended up neglecting most of my social networking for Twitter.....but...
But, Ive learned somethings recently, so Ill share.
First off, this post is all coming from a post to me...so don't read it as an inquisition.
But first, set your ego aside if you want to get things done!
Seriously!
People such as I, have ideas, and ideas of how things should go, and that's how it is.
However, you dont have to buy into those ideas at all.
Being in bands, so many different bands, seeing and knowing so many different people, you run across similarities over time.
I dont want to delve into those right now, but...needless to say, there's similarities.
I dunno, speaking for me, I've always been what I call the "talent". I can write songs all day long, I ve managed to survive and even live...by helping other people with their songs...and they take no affront at all because they know I do a decent job.
Then of course, there's what I call the "Syds" (reference to Syd Barrett). someone who is unbelievably talented and extremely charismatic, yet, they have a weakpoint....and mostly that turns out to be drugs.
I know drugs well. I am a drug user. I love drugs. So, i never hold it against any "syd". ever!
There are quite alot of "Syd's" out there. and they are extremely talented...no question. far talented than I will ever hope to achieve.
All of them seem to sink into self-deprecation, or drug addiction, or paranoia for some odd reason.
I've talked to some of those "Syds" I've come across....to great lengths...and played and talked and played for great lengths, to no avail.
It's like "syd's" have a ticking time bomb on them.
I guess they are stubborn. stubborn to the T. You can't really reason with a "syd". ever. they dream up whatever they want and that is de facto! no question!
I believe I'm half-Syd. Cuz, I understand most of their insecurities, and paranoia, and I understand their reasons for doing things.
Perhaps, that makes me half crazy.
Point being, theres unstable people out there. tis all. and they are so talented...their talents end up driving them insane
What does that make me? Well, Im semi-talented. I enjoy paying attention. and I listen.
I've learned a lot from many of the "Syds" Ive known.
my theory is....some people get so close to what I call the Source.
the Source of music....where it all came from. and its so beautiful and unending...it drives many people mad.
Thats just my fanciful theory.But, Ive learned somethings.
But, Ive always been a practical type person...so heres my advice.
IF you feel you need to get crazy...do so. Dont argue. just do it. however, have at least one person on hand to help u out.
recognize the innate inspiring force of life....almost anything it seems...to a normal person....can be fodder for an interesting song.
read the paper, watch people and eavesdrop, listen....cuz...inspiration is everywhere.
And realize...that the greatest artistic advancements of human history...most of them were built on taking a risk.
so feel free to risk things...
take care
--k.
I havent posted nearly as much as I would've liked....I ended up neglecting most of my social networking for Twitter.....but...
But, Ive learned somethings recently, so Ill share.
First off, this post is all coming from a post to me...so don't read it as an inquisition.
But first, set your ego aside if you want to get things done!
Seriously!
People such as I, have ideas, and ideas of how things should go, and that's how it is.
However, you dont have to buy into those ideas at all.
Being in bands, so many different bands, seeing and knowing so many different people, you run across similarities over time.
I dont want to delve into those right now, but...needless to say, there's similarities.
I dunno, speaking for me, I've always been what I call the "talent". I can write songs all day long, I ve managed to survive and even live...by helping other people with their songs...and they take no affront at all because they know I do a decent job.
Then of course, there's what I call the "Syds" (reference to Syd Barrett). someone who is unbelievably talented and extremely charismatic, yet, they have a weakpoint....and mostly that turns out to be drugs.
I know drugs well. I am a drug user. I love drugs. So, i never hold it against any "syd". ever!
There are quite alot of "Syd's" out there. and they are extremely talented...no question. far talented than I will ever hope to achieve.
All of them seem to sink into self-deprecation, or drug addiction, or paranoia for some odd reason.
I've talked to some of those "Syds" I've come across....to great lengths...and played and talked and played for great lengths, to no avail.
It's like "syd's" have a ticking time bomb on them.
I guess they are stubborn. stubborn to the T. You can't really reason with a "syd". ever. they dream up whatever they want and that is de facto! no question!
I believe I'm half-Syd. Cuz, I understand most of their insecurities, and paranoia, and I understand their reasons for doing things.
Perhaps, that makes me half crazy.
Point being, theres unstable people out there. tis all. and they are so talented...their talents end up driving them insane
What does that make me? Well, Im semi-talented. I enjoy paying attention. and I listen.
I've learned a lot from many of the "Syds" Ive known.
my theory is....some people get so close to what I call the Source.
the Source of music....where it all came from. and its so beautiful and unending...it drives many people mad.
Thats just my fanciful theory.But, Ive learned somethings.
But, Ive always been a practical type person...so heres my advice.
IF you feel you need to get crazy...do so. Dont argue. just do it. however, have at least one person on hand to help u out.
recognize the innate inspiring force of life....almost anything it seems...to a normal person....can be fodder for an interesting song.
read the paper, watch people and eavesdrop, listen....cuz...inspiration is everywhere.
And realize...that the greatest artistic advancements of human history...most of them were built on taking a risk.
so feel free to risk things...
take care
--k.
How to helm a rock band---101.
Okay, here's a post that will ring true to many musicians and bandleaders out there.
Okay,I'm not or do not equal myself to be a bandleader, however that is the position that was put into place for me.
I'm not a dictator; I'm not a control freak. far from it. I'm a control freak in the sense that if you give me control; I'll freak out and give it to someone else.
However, there wasn't anyone to give control to. There was just me and I knew I could keep this band together sincerely by the sincere need to love the others that play music with me.
That's it. I love em. I hate them. It's true. they piss me off alot of times,they agree to things I would never agree to, they act like perhaps I would act; If I wasn't me.
My band members; I love them more than my family. Because, they re family to me. And I would do anything to help them out, and get them out of whaatever jam they got themselves into.....because I love them.
That's all.
What's wrong with bands these days? They don;t fuckng love each other, or the love ran out, and I admire that statement in band slike soundgarden and so forth, they lost the love, they lost the spark that drove them, and they admitted it.
It's hard to form a band, because, besides all the contracts and so forth you have to sign, you have to give of yourself on a continuous basisl; creatively, personally, and perhaps, spiritually.
Back in my hometown of KC, Missouri, I couldn't find a band that wanted me, I had to play bass guitar instead of my first love; guitar.
I've seen meth and shit run my old friends and dear acquaintainces down, and I hate that......because I understand where they come from, because I've come from that, living in a trailer; never going anywhere, living off AC/DC, meth and vitamins, I've been there.
It makes me sad, because I know one can get past that, of course, I still take vitamins, and I don't speak ill of people who do meth, because I would be a stupid iidiot hypocrite if I did, I speak from a perspective of.....
I've lost most of my friends to drugs and lost hopes, and I'd be nearly alone if I hadn't made other friends.
But, fuck you; I'm loyal.
If you offer me your friendship; I won't tie it down easily. Because, I'm just like that.
I'm one of these "true friends" in the sense that I won't judge you ever; if you want to take a meth binge on my clock, go for it, but I'll be there to help you down, and I dont claim to be a psychiatrist or what not.....
But, I love all my people I've come to know aqnd love; and fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Fuck you, I love them. They love me. That's all.
I'm not the most conversationally upright guy but I know that I stick by my friends.....and I don't care what anyone else says, because I stick by them, I love them.......because they helped me......and GODAMN it I will help them if I can.
Okay, here's a post that will ring true to many musicians and bandleaders out there.
Okay,I'm not or do not equal myself to be a bandleader, however that is the position that was put into place for me.
I'm not a dictator; I'm not a control freak. far from it. I'm a control freak in the sense that if you give me control; I'll freak out and give it to someone else.
However, there wasn't anyone to give control to. There was just me and I knew I could keep this band together sincerely by the sincere need to love the others that play music with me.
That's it. I love em. I hate them. It's true. they piss me off alot of times,they agree to things I would never agree to, they act like perhaps I would act; If I wasn't me.
My band members; I love them more than my family. Because, they re family to me. And I would do anything to help them out, and get them out of whaatever jam they got themselves into.....because I love them.
That's all.
What's wrong with bands these days? They don;t fuckng love each other, or the love ran out, and I admire that statement in band slike soundgarden and so forth, they lost the love, they lost the spark that drove them, and they admitted it.
It's hard to form a band, because, besides all the contracts and so forth you have to sign, you have to give of yourself on a continuous basisl; creatively, personally, and perhaps, spiritually.
Back in my hometown of KC, Missouri, I couldn't find a band that wanted me, I had to play bass guitar instead of my first love; guitar.
I've seen meth and shit run my old friends and dear acquaintainces down, and I hate that......because I understand where they come from, because I've come from that, living in a trailer; never going anywhere, living off AC/DC, meth and vitamins, I've been there.
It makes me sad, because I know one can get past that, of course, I still take vitamins, and I don't speak ill of people who do meth, because I would be a stupid iidiot hypocrite if I did, I speak from a perspective of.....
I've lost most of my friends to drugs and lost hopes, and I'd be nearly alone if I hadn't made other friends.
But, fuck you; I'm loyal.
If you offer me your friendship; I won't tie it down easily. Because, I'm just like that.
I'm one of these "true friends" in the sense that I won't judge you ever; if you want to take a meth binge on my clock, go for it, but I'll be there to help you down, and I dont claim to be a psychiatrist or what not.....
But, I love all my people I've come to know aqnd love; and fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Fuck you, I love them. They love me. That's all.
I'm not the most conversationally upright guy but I know that I stick by my friends.....and I don't care what anyone else says, because I stick by them, I love them.......because they helped me......and GODAMN it I will help them if I can.
Hi.
it's been sometime since my last post.
I'm a person that loves the fringe side of things.
I love things that are outside the norm....
that's why i love remaining here. It's not just because there are so many talented and amazing women here, and they celebrate the beauty of the female form; it's also that there isn't another place like SG out there on the web.
We should be thankful, this isn't just another boobs site. It's a community, and it's cool. I know I could hang out with pretty much any SG member, and they'd be cool with me being me.
And all the SG members I have hung out with have been nothing but that.
So, I give thankfulness, for a really interesting community that's been brought up here in this little corner of the web.
I really enjoy, as an amateur photographer, looking at the posts and seeing the critiques of sets and whatnot.
It's really cool, art, the female form, tattoos,individuality.
That's really groovy.
So, this post is mostly just a thanks to all the kind people at SG.
You guys have made a really groovy place for all of us different people.
Props, sisters and brothers!
it's been sometime since my last post.
I'm a person that loves the fringe side of things.
I love things that are outside the norm....
that's why i love remaining here. It's not just because there are so many talented and amazing women here, and they celebrate the beauty of the female form; it's also that there isn't another place like SG out there on the web.
We should be thankful, this isn't just another boobs site. It's a community, and it's cool. I know I could hang out with pretty much any SG member, and they'd be cool with me being me.
And all the SG members I have hung out with have been nothing but that.
So, I give thankfulness, for a really interesting community that's been brought up here in this little corner of the web.
I really enjoy, as an amateur photographer, looking at the posts and seeing the critiques of sets and whatnot.
It's really cool, art, the female form, tattoos,individuality.
That's really groovy.
So, this post is mostly just a thanks to all the kind people at SG.
You guys have made a really groovy place for all of us different people.
Props, sisters and brothers!
Howdy!
here's a fucked up idea i had whilst smoking a ciggie drunk one night. If someone gave you a 10 million dollars, and all you had to do was end every single sentence you spoke with the word "penis". would you do it?
you'd have some electronic scanner to make sure you said penis. but would you do it?
interesting.
Also, I was looking at a slug slowly meander its way across some grass in Dolores Park. and i thought...you know....slugs are like homeless snails. spare change, bro?
ALSO.....i thought about spanging for change at work...because the chances of people giving you change are higher. of course you couldn't do it alot..otherwise...theyd stop giving you change. but fuck man.....whip out the cardboard sign that says SPARE CHANGE....whip it out the next time you are on break. I made a 10 bucks...so can you. Where's my fucking infomercial??
As a musician, I know that...partially....I have an edge over meeting women (esp. the kind of women i want to meet). ..and i can be as weird as i want......and music and art grants you a license to be weird.
That's fuckin awesome! being weird is not like a thing to ask for, or pray for...i guess unless you want to be a musician...or an artist. It helps. if you are weird...people take you seriously. it's fucked up.
I do all sorts of sincerely strange shit onstage/offstage. It's all not psycho. Ill give you an example. I have a small vial of lavender essential oil i carry with me everywhere..and i smear it on me a few times a day. and people think that's weird.
I have a light that i shine on myself periodically throughout the day, it's been tuned to clear your aura out.
but imagine someone shining a flashlight on themselves. yeah...ppl think that's weird.
I never walk over drains in sidewalks on streets. I laugh at my own jokes. I spontaneously do tai chi to clear energy out in rooms i'm in.
being weird fucking rules! it gives you license to be whoever you really are. because, when you are weird.....people expect that, and being weird...you know....isn't always normal and expected....so it keeps people guessing.
and half the battle is keeping people guessing, they don't know what you are going to do.
kinda funny.
here's a fucked up idea i had whilst smoking a ciggie drunk one night. If someone gave you a 10 million dollars, and all you had to do was end every single sentence you spoke with the word "penis". would you do it?
you'd have some electronic scanner to make sure you said penis. but would you do it?
interesting.
Also, I was looking at a slug slowly meander its way across some grass in Dolores Park. and i thought...you know....slugs are like homeless snails. spare change, bro?
ALSO.....i thought about spanging for change at work...because the chances of people giving you change are higher. of course you couldn't do it alot..otherwise...theyd stop giving you change. but fuck man.....whip out the cardboard sign that says SPARE CHANGE....whip it out the next time you are on break. I made a 10 bucks...so can you. Where's my fucking infomercial??
As a musician, I know that...partially....I have an edge over meeting women (esp. the kind of women i want to meet). ..and i can be as weird as i want......and music and art grants you a license to be weird.
That's fuckin awesome! being weird is not like a thing to ask for, or pray for...i guess unless you want to be a musician...or an artist. It helps. if you are weird...people take you seriously. it's fucked up.
I do all sorts of sincerely strange shit onstage/offstage. It's all not psycho. Ill give you an example. I have a small vial of lavender essential oil i carry with me everywhere..and i smear it on me a few times a day. and people think that's weird.
I have a light that i shine on myself periodically throughout the day, it's been tuned to clear your aura out.
but imagine someone shining a flashlight on themselves. yeah...ppl think that's weird.
I never walk over drains in sidewalks on streets. I laugh at my own jokes. I spontaneously do tai chi to clear energy out in rooms i'm in.
being weird fucking rules! it gives you license to be whoever you really are. because, when you are weird.....people expect that, and being weird...you know....isn't always normal and expected....so it keeps people guessing.
and half the battle is keeping people guessing, they don't know what you are going to do.
kinda funny.
hi.
sometimes i ask openly honest questions. not fiendishly honest...but case in point....
i was in the bar of a really nice hotel in Amsterdam, and i ended up chatting with a really beautiful lady from London, she was gorgeous.
It seems to me that really formative times in my life that radically change my view or outlook on life...i end up missing the details by being ridiculously drunk or on drugs or something....anyways--
so, i cannot recall how we came to start chatting, but we did and i switched the subject to a topic that just blurted out .
I said...."you know....sometimes i fucking hate it when i can't fucking think of anything to say when i'm with someone. Like, I know there are many a time when i can be witty and funny and charming, but it doesn't happen all the time. I hate being in that moment where I just honestly don't know/have anything to say. Have you ever had that happen?"
And she nodded. Yes, lots of times.
i felt totally relieved at that point honestly. thank god, if a girl of her caliber can experience the same feeling i feel lots of times....then....perhaps i can not stress over it as much.
And, then....BAM! ....epiphany central...hitting you right between the eyes.
being relaxed in front of people...not just gorgeous ladies. anyone really. that can change things.
case in point---
I almost got mugged a few months ago.
I was walking around the tenderloin area in San Francisco around 4am. Trying to catch a muni to get to work.
I knew this guy was gonna try something though, I saw him a whole block ahead of time.
I figured well...wtf....I seriously didn't have anything of value on me at the time...except for my tupperware container of spaghetti for lunch.
sure enough, he quickly stepped right in front of me and said "look i dont want to hurt nobody, just give me everything you got and it's cool."
I decided to take this relaxed idea further. So, I got more relaxed. oddly enough.
i asked him very mildly. what do you need?
and he looked at me kind of startled for a second. oops! haha. he then composed himself and said, he was desperate and hungry and he needs it now.
I nodded. and repeated what he said. you are desperate. and you are hungry. then i handed him my tupperware of spaghetti.
he looked at it. i looked at him and smiled. i have nothing but this. if you are hungry, eat it.
ill never forget the look on his face. i almost wanted to laugh, but i didn't.
i just kept walking on.
that incident was instructive to me for some reason, how...you don't really have to panic. a person who has nothing has nothing to lose.
and truth be told...i had 30 bucks in my pocket and a credit card and a muni pass. but i didnt think about that.
i thought about being relaxed. i dunno, it was a really instructive moment for me. being completely calm and collected in potentially dangerous or seemingly dangerous or overwhelming circumstances can pay off big time. that's all.
take care.
--kris
openchakra.com
sometimes i ask openly honest questions. not fiendishly honest...but case in point....
i was in the bar of a really nice hotel in Amsterdam, and i ended up chatting with a really beautiful lady from London, she was gorgeous.
It seems to me that really formative times in my life that radically change my view or outlook on life...i end up missing the details by being ridiculously drunk or on drugs or something....anyways--
so, i cannot recall how we came to start chatting, but we did and i switched the subject to a topic that just blurted out .
I said...."you know....sometimes i fucking hate it when i can't fucking think of anything to say when i'm with someone. Like, I know there are many a time when i can be witty and funny and charming, but it doesn't happen all the time. I hate being in that moment where I just honestly don't know/have anything to say. Have you ever had that happen?"
And she nodded. Yes, lots of times.
i felt totally relieved at that point honestly. thank god, if a girl of her caliber can experience the same feeling i feel lots of times....then....perhaps i can not stress over it as much.
And, then....BAM! ....epiphany central...hitting you right between the eyes.
being relaxed in front of people...not just gorgeous ladies. anyone really. that can change things.
case in point---
I almost got mugged a few months ago.
I was walking around the tenderloin area in San Francisco around 4am. Trying to catch a muni to get to work.
I knew this guy was gonna try something though, I saw him a whole block ahead of time.
I figured well...wtf....I seriously didn't have anything of value on me at the time...except for my tupperware container of spaghetti for lunch.
sure enough, he quickly stepped right in front of me and said "look i dont want to hurt nobody, just give me everything you got and it's cool."
I decided to take this relaxed idea further. So, I got more relaxed. oddly enough.
i asked him very mildly. what do you need?
and he looked at me kind of startled for a second. oops! haha. he then composed himself and said, he was desperate and hungry and he needs it now.
I nodded. and repeated what he said. you are desperate. and you are hungry. then i handed him my tupperware of spaghetti.
he looked at it. i looked at him and smiled. i have nothing but this. if you are hungry, eat it.
ill never forget the look on his face. i almost wanted to laugh, but i didn't.
i just kept walking on.
that incident was instructive to me for some reason, how...you don't really have to panic. a person who has nothing has nothing to lose.
and truth be told...i had 30 bucks in my pocket and a credit card and a muni pass. but i didnt think about that.
i thought about being relaxed. i dunno, it was a really instructive moment for me. being completely calm and collected in potentially dangerous or seemingly dangerous or overwhelming circumstances can pay off big time. that's all.
take care.
--kris
openchakra.com
I don't expect anyone to understand this blog.
Mostly because, I don't understand it either.
I've been brewing an ancient medicine known as Ayahuasca.
I've been shown things I never knew existed. Seen things of life that rang true to my heart.
A very brief history to myself and how I approach life is simple. I've always wanted to know more. If I had to choose one question it would be WHY?
Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why have I let myself suffer? Why I have tortured myself this long?
At first it pissed me off, I lived quite a few years in disdain and disbelief.
I became ugly. I always thought I was ugly. And no one wanted me. I lived my life like that for years.
Ugly...stupid.....inept.....
It's damaging to live like that for too long. It rots your soul. You wake up day in and day out without purpose, and you have no real reason to continue living.
All the things that are valued in life, finding a mate, getting a good job , taking care of them, you can't do that if you are the Elephant Man. and if you've never seen the Elephant Man...it's a great movie.
I felt like the Elephant Man. worn, disgusting to humanity, and tired.
You can start to devise schemes or excuses to letting yourself remember that just because no one would ever want you doesnt mean you can't do something with yourself.
and i believed that. Yeah, no one wants me. That's ok. I'm the ugliest fucker on the planet. fuck the planet.
I got anger on my side. It led me down further, to destruction. Anger is a blessing in disguise.
It's wrath will lay down anything in it's path.
My admittance is....i'm just a fucking coward. at least I was.
Now, after Ayahuasca. I don't know what I am. that doesn't bother me.
I feel closer to who I am.....and i still don't know what that is. That doesn't bother me.
Maybe I should try harder, maybe i should dream harder. Crap! I love my dreams too much.
I hear songs i heard in my youth......i remember myself when i was younger.....what am i doing?????
The only thing i respond to is music. I love writing....although it's a love/hate relationship.
For me to write the really good songs....that really kick ass....i have to be honest with myself.
that hurts. it hurts alot sometimes.
I am my own worst enemy.
I've held myself down for so long it's routine....its expected.
Ayahuasca broke that bondage. Now, i'm shell shocked......and lost.
I used to identify with the bondage.
Now, i'm standing alone....i dropped most of my beliefs.
Where do I go from here?
I 've always prayed for finding a woman who could help me....help me to love me.
I know I'll find her eventually....
because, I'm a fairly decent guy. I mean, yeah....i'm a normal guy in the sense of .....indoctrinated.....I love football and beer....and I love video games....and I'm quite popular with many guys.....i'm funny...and ironic in a weird masculine way.
Every girl I ever wanted...their boyfriends loved me. this is true!
I enjoyed their company......I'm really a guy's guy.
Aya...has shown me my realer side. softer..gentler.....and more benevolent.....in tune to my artistic side...
the side i rarely show.
that's probably why im so scared to actually continue with the band and write my heart out.
I coudlve had some girlfriends in my time. In truth....i've had none.
I dont want a girlfriend now.
I just want someone to share my laughter with.....and to hug and kiss.
I've been living an endless repetition of lonliness.
it can wear you down. I'm not sad about it any longer....now...i'm not.
I just wonder to myself now....how can this be? I'm really a good guy. I have a good heart.
I've wondered out loud to myself. Do i have to get this band going by myself? write some hits.....get going....do it myself....i suppose.....
i'm slightly scared by the whole thing...and that makes me feel inadequate.
I almost want to feel disheartened but i dont. because I feel things will turn out right....eventuallty.
that makes me sad. i feel sad about that. it will eventually turn out right. right....like when im 80.
fuck.
i feel shit...and no one bothers. ive always felt things.....and had concern for others.....what has that gained me?
stop feeling...and it will all be ok.
fuck that.
im damaged goods being shipped to heaven. once i get there...fuck all of you.
much love regardless,
kris
openchakra.com
Mostly because, I don't understand it either.
I've been brewing an ancient medicine known as Ayahuasca.
I've been shown things I never knew existed. Seen things of life that rang true to my heart.
A very brief history to myself and how I approach life is simple. I've always wanted to know more. If I had to choose one question it would be WHY?
Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why have I let myself suffer? Why I have tortured myself this long?
At first it pissed me off, I lived quite a few years in disdain and disbelief.
I became ugly. I always thought I was ugly. And no one wanted me. I lived my life like that for years.
Ugly...stupid.....inept.....
It's damaging to live like that for too long. It rots your soul. You wake up day in and day out without purpose, and you have no real reason to continue living.
All the things that are valued in life, finding a mate, getting a good job , taking care of them, you can't do that if you are the Elephant Man. and if you've never seen the Elephant Man...it's a great movie.
I felt like the Elephant Man. worn, disgusting to humanity, and tired.
You can start to devise schemes or excuses to letting yourself remember that just because no one would ever want you doesnt mean you can't do something with yourself.
and i believed that. Yeah, no one wants me. That's ok. I'm the ugliest fucker on the planet. fuck the planet.
I got anger on my side. It led me down further, to destruction. Anger is a blessing in disguise.
It's wrath will lay down anything in it's path.
My admittance is....i'm just a fucking coward. at least I was.
Now, after Ayahuasca. I don't know what I am. that doesn't bother me.
I feel closer to who I am.....and i still don't know what that is. That doesn't bother me.
Maybe I should try harder, maybe i should dream harder. Crap! I love my dreams too much.
I hear songs i heard in my youth......i remember myself when i was younger.....what am i doing?????
The only thing i respond to is music. I love writing....although it's a love/hate relationship.
For me to write the really good songs....that really kick ass....i have to be honest with myself.
that hurts. it hurts alot sometimes.
I am my own worst enemy.
I've held myself down for so long it's routine....its expected.
Ayahuasca broke that bondage. Now, i'm shell shocked......and lost.
I used to identify with the bondage.
Now, i'm standing alone....i dropped most of my beliefs.
Where do I go from here?
I 've always prayed for finding a woman who could help me....help me to love me.
I know I'll find her eventually....
because, I'm a fairly decent guy. I mean, yeah....i'm a normal guy in the sense of .....indoctrinated.....I love football and beer....and I love video games....and I'm quite popular with many guys.....i'm funny...and ironic in a weird masculine way.
Every girl I ever wanted...their boyfriends loved me. this is true!
I enjoyed their company......I'm really a guy's guy.
Aya...has shown me my realer side. softer..gentler.....and more benevolent.....in tune to my artistic side...
the side i rarely show.
that's probably why im so scared to actually continue with the band and write my heart out.
I coudlve had some girlfriends in my time. In truth....i've had none.
I dont want a girlfriend now.
I just want someone to share my laughter with.....and to hug and kiss.
I've been living an endless repetition of lonliness.
it can wear you down. I'm not sad about it any longer....now...i'm not.
I just wonder to myself now....how can this be? I'm really a good guy. I have a good heart.
I've wondered out loud to myself. Do i have to get this band going by myself? write some hits.....get going....do it myself....i suppose.....
i'm slightly scared by the whole thing...and that makes me feel inadequate.
I almost want to feel disheartened but i dont. because I feel things will turn out right....eventuallty.
that makes me sad. i feel sad about that. it will eventually turn out right. right....like when im 80.
fuck.
i feel shit...and no one bothers. ive always felt things.....and had concern for others.....what has that gained me?
stop feeling...and it will all be ok.
fuck that.
im damaged goods being shipped to heaven. once i get there...fuck all of you.
much love regardless,
kris
openchakra.com
What has the human race done for the world? It seems to me, at least....we've become so focused on ourselves......lost in our own gadgets and so called civilization that we've lost the story....we've lost the point to all of it.
We've killed, pillaged and plundered in the name of ourselves. We've become the species that Gaia....the spirit of this planet would be appalled.
Jung talked of the Shadow. An unconscious pit of our weaknesses, our shames and our guilt and things we would rather not admit to. And how that Shadow can bring spark to the greatest crimes of our history.
Basil the II.....how he blinded his captives.....Hitler how he murdered millions of our Jewish, Homosexual, Slavic and non-Aryan suited Sisters and Brothers. Callously.
I've been to Amsterdam, and I could not go into the Anne Frank Museum, I doubt I'd have the courage to go in there. Pol Pot----the killing fields.
The fucking Iraq war.
Perhaps, I'm dwelling on the bad side of things. Yet, there's so much blood on our hands as a species.
So much depravity and violence. Where the fuck do we go from here?
More importantly, where can we go from here?
The likes of our current governmental leaders seems to not take into account the bloodshed of what has gone on before.
We can't simply end war. We can't simply end poverty or hunger. That's what they want us to believe.
However, I'll stick with just.....perhaps we can be kinder to each other. Humanity as a whole.
We deserve to be nicer to each other.
Or perhaps not. However, the energy of disdain and callousness of treating ourselves that way would seem to lead to something, no?
Love Love,
--kris
openchakra.com
We've killed, pillaged and plundered in the name of ourselves. We've become the species that Gaia....the spirit of this planet would be appalled.
Jung talked of the Shadow. An unconscious pit of our weaknesses, our shames and our guilt and things we would rather not admit to. And how that Shadow can bring spark to the greatest crimes of our history.
Basil the II.....how he blinded his captives.....Hitler how he murdered millions of our Jewish, Homosexual, Slavic and non-Aryan suited Sisters and Brothers. Callously.
I've been to Amsterdam, and I could not go into the Anne Frank Museum, I doubt I'd have the courage to go in there. Pol Pot----the killing fields.
The fucking Iraq war.
Perhaps, I'm dwelling on the bad side of things. Yet, there's so much blood on our hands as a species.
So much depravity and violence. Where the fuck do we go from here?
More importantly, where can we go from here?
The likes of our current governmental leaders seems to not take into account the bloodshed of what has gone on before.
We can't simply end war. We can't simply end poverty or hunger. That's what they want us to believe.
However, I'll stick with just.....perhaps we can be kinder to each other. Humanity as a whole.
We deserve to be nicer to each other.
Or perhaps not. However, the energy of disdain and callousness of treating ourselves that way would seem to lead to something, no?
Love Love,
--kris
openchakra.com
im in a very pensive mood. ill listen to 80s music. it puts me in a reflective mood. ill listen to songs i grew up listening to. some songs bring back very fuzzy memories...the kinds you have where you are remembering your childhood, and just certain parts of the memory triggers you to remember it.
it's more of a feeling than anything. like when i listen to the bangles eternal flame...i get a flashback walking home from elementary school, out in the suburbs of kansas city, walking by a creek and looking for fish, remembering the girl that used to live across the street, Rebecca. And how i wanted her to be my girlfriend.
remembering watching MTV all the time during the incredibly hot humid summer days, watching paradise city music video, tone loc, and that game show remote control.
bicycles, the ice cream truck, laying out in the sun with a soda, lazing away the day.
recess, tree climbing, building forts with pillows and blankets. ninja turtles and fraggle rock.
*sigh*
i was happier when i was younger. what the fuck happened?
---kris
openchakra.com
it's more of a feeling than anything. like when i listen to the bangles eternal flame...i get a flashback walking home from elementary school, out in the suburbs of kansas city, walking by a creek and looking for fish, remembering the girl that used to live across the street, Rebecca. And how i wanted her to be my girlfriend.
remembering watching MTV all the time during the incredibly hot humid summer days, watching paradise city music video, tone loc, and that game show remote control.
bicycles, the ice cream truck, laying out in the sun with a soda, lazing away the day.
recess, tree climbing, building forts with pillows and blankets. ninja turtles and fraggle rock.
*sigh*
i was happier when i was younger. what the fuck happened?
---kris
openchakra.com
happenstance to the world...im either half scared...and shaking..or maybe im just excited.
i didnt tell anyone at work except for a few people....i have a secret to tell.....meh.....well.....im dying to say something at least.
in order to do that...lemme rewind back 9 months back to november a few days before my birthday.
i had a music attorney shop a demo around for me back then. and he was like ok...we will see how it goes.
well fast forward to 2 weeks ago. and lo and behold, sweet fucking jesus......there was FUCKING RESPONSE!!!
godammit there was a response!!!
im like fucking flipping out by that alone. so....forward a teeny bit more and i'm being flown out to LA next weekend to be introduced to a producer who's a recorded a couple well known albums recently.
the demo i sent was recorded and mixed and whatnot all by me...and yes, i never really finished my recording engineering studies...but i guess it got the fucking point across...i guess thats all that matters.
so....im waiting in anticipation...im fucking super anxious....these next 7 days are going to be the longest 7 days of my life!!! FUCK!!
I dont want to get my hopes up...im not going to count my chickens just yet.....im trying to keep it cool and all...but still.....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like my fucking head is going to explode with anticipation and just anxiety....ARGHH!H!!!
I haven't even told my mom yet really. I don't want to get her hopes either until we actually sign a piece of paper. so i'm just kind of bouncing around the walls right now.
this label is big. like fucking BIG. like the band that was on this label was like one of my idols growing up....and that just drives me to a fucking crazy adolescent craziness also! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
They really want to fly me down there and they really want to have dinner with me? and they really want to introduce me to this producer fellow?? How the fuck did this happen????
who knows? who cares? i haven't experienced this much excitement since i first discovered sex.
now it's just waiting. til i leave for LAX on friday. ....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i didnt tell anyone at work except for a few people....i have a secret to tell.....meh.....well.....im dying to say something at least.
in order to do that...lemme rewind back 9 months back to november a few days before my birthday.
i had a music attorney shop a demo around for me back then. and he was like ok...we will see how it goes.
well fast forward to 2 weeks ago. and lo and behold, sweet fucking jesus......there was FUCKING RESPONSE!!!
godammit there was a response!!!
im like fucking flipping out by that alone. so....forward a teeny bit more and i'm being flown out to LA next weekend to be introduced to a producer who's a recorded a couple well known albums recently.
the demo i sent was recorded and mixed and whatnot all by me...and yes, i never really finished my recording engineering studies...but i guess it got the fucking point across...i guess thats all that matters.
so....im waiting in anticipation...im fucking super anxious....these next 7 days are going to be the longest 7 days of my life!!! FUCK!!
I dont want to get my hopes up...im not going to count my chickens just yet.....im trying to keep it cool and all...but still.....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like my fucking head is going to explode with anticipation and just anxiety....ARGHH!H!!!
I haven't even told my mom yet really. I don't want to get her hopes either until we actually sign a piece of paper. so i'm just kind of bouncing around the walls right now.
this label is big. like fucking BIG. like the band that was on this label was like one of my idols growing up....and that just drives me to a fucking crazy adolescent craziness also! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
They really want to fly me down there and they really want to have dinner with me? and they really want to introduce me to this producer fellow?? How the fuck did this happen????
who knows? who cares? i haven't experienced this much excitement since i first discovered sex.
now it's just waiting. til i leave for LAX on friday. ....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
