hi.

sometimes i ask openly honest questions. not fiendishly honest...but case in point....


i was in the bar of a really nice hotel in Amsterdam, and i ended up chatting with a really beautiful lady from London, she was gorgeous.

It seems to me that really formative times in my life that radically change my view or outlook on life...i end up missing the details by being ridiculously drunk or on drugs or something....anyways--

so, i cannot recall how we came to start chatting, but we did and i switched the subject to a topic that just blurted out .

I said...."you know....sometimes i fucking hate it when i can't fucking think of anything to say when i'm with someone. Like, I know there are many a time when i can be witty and funny and charming, but it doesn't happen all the time. I hate being in that moment where I just honestly don't know/have anything to say. Have you ever had that happen?"

And she nodded. Yes, lots of times.

i felt totally relieved at that point honestly. thank god, if a girl of her caliber can experience the same feeling i feel lots of times....then....perhaps i can not stress over it as much.

And, then....BAM! ....epiphany central...hitting you right between the eyes.

being relaxed in front of people...not just gorgeous ladies. anyone really. that can change things.

case in point---

I almost got mugged a few months ago.
I was walking around the tenderloin area in San Francisco around 4am. Trying to catch a muni to get to work.

I knew this guy was gonna try something though, I saw him a whole block ahead of time.

I figured well...wtf....I seriously didn't have anything of value on me at the time...except for my tupperware container of spaghetti for lunch.

sure enough, he quickly stepped right in front of me and said "look i dont want to hurt nobody, just give me everything you got and it's cool."

I decided to take this relaxed idea further. So, I got more relaxed. oddly enough.

i asked him very mildly. what do you need?

and he looked at me kind of startled for a second. oops! haha. he then composed himself and said, he was desperate and hungry and he needs it now.

I nodded. and repeated what he said. you are desperate. and you are hungry. then i handed him my tupperware of spaghetti.

he looked at it. i looked at him and smiled. i have nothing but this. if you are hungry, eat it.

ill never forget the look on his face. i almost wanted to laugh, but i didn't.

i just kept walking on.

that incident was instructive to me for some reason, how...you don't really have to panic. a person who has nothing has nothing to lose.
and truth be told...i had 30 bucks in my pocket and a credit card and a muni pass. but i didnt think about that.

i thought about being relaxed. i dunno, it was a really instructive moment for me. being completely calm and collected in potentially dangerous or seemingly dangerous or overwhelming circumstances can pay off big time. that's all.

take care.


--kris




openchakra.com

I don't expect anyone to understand this blog.

Mostly because, I don't understand it either.

I've been brewing an ancient medicine known as Ayahuasca.

I've been shown things I never knew existed. Seen things of life that rang true to my heart.

A very brief history to myself and how I approach life is simple. I've always wanted to know more. If I had to choose one question it would be WHY?

Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why have I let myself suffer? Why I have tortured myself this long?

At first it pissed me off, I lived quite a few years in disdain and disbelief.

I became ugly. I always thought I was ugly. And no one wanted me. I lived my life like that for years.
Ugly...stupid.....inept.....

It's damaging to live like that for too long. It rots your soul. You wake up day in and day out without purpose, and you have no real reason to continue living.

All the things that are valued in life, finding a mate, getting a good job , taking care of them, you can't do that if you are the Elephant Man. and if you've never seen the Elephant Man...it's a great movie.

I felt like the Elephant Man. worn, disgusting to humanity, and tired.

You can start to devise schemes or excuses to letting yourself remember that just because no one would ever want you doesnt mean you can't do something with yourself.

and i believed that. Yeah, no one wants me. That's ok. I'm the ugliest fucker on the planet. fuck the planet.
I got anger on my side. It led me down further, to destruction. Anger is a blessing in disguise.
It's wrath will lay down anything in it's path.

My admittance is....i'm just a fucking coward. at least I was.

Now, after Ayahuasca. I don't know what I am. that doesn't bother me.

I feel closer to who I am.....and i still don't know what that is. That doesn't bother me.

Maybe I should try harder, maybe i should dream harder. Crap! I love my dreams too much.
I hear songs i heard in my youth......i remember myself when i was younger.....what am i doing?????

The only thing i respond to is music. I love writing....although it's a love/hate relationship.

For me to write the really good songs....that really kick ass....i have to be honest with myself.
that hurts. it hurts alot sometimes.

I am my own worst enemy.
I've held myself down for so long it's routine....its expected.

Ayahuasca broke that bondage. Now, i'm shell shocked......and lost.
I used to identify with the bondage.

Now, i'm standing alone....i dropped most of my beliefs.
Where do I go from here?

I 've always prayed for finding a woman who could help me....help me to love me.

I know I'll find her eventually....
because, I'm a fairly decent guy. I mean, yeah....i'm a normal guy in the sense of .....indoctrinated.....I love football and beer....and I love video games....and I'm quite popular with many guys.....i'm funny...and ironic in a weird masculine way.

Every girl I ever wanted...their boyfriends loved me. this is true!
I enjoyed their company......I'm really a guy's guy.

Aya...has shown me my realer side. softer..gentler.....and more benevolent.....in tune to my artistic side...
the side i rarely show.
that's probably why im so scared to actually continue with the band and write my heart out.

I coudlve had some girlfriends in my time. In truth....i've had none.
I dont want a girlfriend now.
I just want someone to share my laughter with.....and to hug and kiss.

I've been living an endless repetition of lonliness.

it can wear you down. I'm not sad about it any longer....now...i'm not.

I just wonder to myself now....how can this be? I'm really a good guy. I have a good heart.
I've wondered out loud to myself. Do i have to get this band going by myself? write some hits.....get going....do it myself....i suppose.....

i'm slightly scared by the whole thing...and that makes me feel inadequate.
I almost want to feel disheartened but i dont. because I feel things will turn out right....eventuallty.

that makes me sad. i feel sad about that. it will eventually turn out right. right....like when im 80.
fuck.

i feel shit...and no one bothers. ive always felt things.....and had concern for others.....what has that gained me?

stop feeling...and it will all be ok.

fuck that.

im damaged goods being shipped to heaven. once i get there...fuck all of you.

much love regardless,

kris



openchakra.com

What has the human race done for the world? It seems to me, at least....we've become so focused on ourselves......lost in our own gadgets and so called civilization that we've lost the story....we've lost the point to all of it.

We've killed, pillaged and plundered in the name of ourselves. We've become the species that Gaia....the spirit of this planet would be appalled.

Jung talked of the Shadow. An unconscious pit of our weaknesses, our shames and our guilt and things we would rather not admit to. And how that Shadow can bring spark to the greatest crimes of our history.

Basil the II.....how he blinded his captives.....Hitler how he murdered millions of our Jewish, Homosexual, Slavic and non-Aryan suited Sisters and Brothers. Callously.

I've been to Amsterdam, and I could not go into the Anne Frank Museum, I doubt I'd have the courage to go in there. Pol Pot----the killing fields.

The fucking Iraq war.

Perhaps, I'm dwelling on the bad side of things. Yet, there's so much blood on our hands as a species.
So much depravity and violence. Where the fuck do we go from here?
More importantly, where can we go from here?

The likes of our current governmental leaders seems to not take into account the bloodshed of what has gone on before.

We can't simply end war. We can't simply end poverty or hunger. That's what they want us to believe.

However, I'll stick with just.....perhaps we can be kinder to each other. Humanity as a whole.
We deserve to be nicer to each other.

Or perhaps not. However, the energy of disdain and callousness of treating ourselves that way would seem to lead to something, no?

Love Love,

--kris



openchakra.com

im in a very pensive mood. ill listen to 80s music. it puts me in a reflective mood. ill listen to songs i grew up listening to. some songs bring back very fuzzy memories...the kinds you have where you are remembering your childhood, and just certain parts of the memory triggers you to remember it.

it's more of a feeling than anything. like when i listen to the bangles eternal flame...i get a flashback walking home from elementary school, out in the suburbs of kansas city, walking by a creek and looking for fish, remembering the girl that used to live across the street, Rebecca. And how i wanted her to be my girlfriend.

remembering watching MTV all the time during the incredibly hot humid summer days, watching paradise city music video, tone loc, and that game show remote control.

bicycles, the ice cream truck, laying out in the sun with a soda, lazing away the day.
recess, tree climbing, building forts with pillows and blankets. ninja turtles and fraggle rock.

*sigh*

i was happier when i was younger. what the fuck happened?


---kris
openchakra.com

happenstance to the world...im either half scared...and shaking..or maybe im just excited.

i didnt tell anyone at work except for a few people....i have a secret to tell.....meh.....well.....im dying to say something at least.

in order to do that...lemme rewind back 9 months back to november a few days before my birthday.

i had a music attorney shop a demo around for me back then. and he was like ok...we will see how it goes.

well fast forward to 2 weeks ago. and lo and behold, sweet fucking jesus......there was FUCKING RESPONSE!!!

godammit there was a response!!!

im like fucking flipping out by that alone. so....forward a teeny bit more and i'm being flown out to LA next weekend to be introduced to a producer who's a recorded a couple well known albums recently.

the demo i sent was recorded and mixed and whatnot all by me...and yes, i never really finished my recording engineering studies...but i guess it got the fucking point across...i guess thats all that matters.

so....im waiting in anticipation...im fucking super anxious....these next 7 days are going to be the longest 7 days of my life!!! FUCK!!

I dont want to get my hopes up...im not going to count my chickens just yet.....im trying to keep it cool and all...but still.....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like my fucking head is going to explode with anticipation and just anxiety....ARGHH!H!!!

I haven't even told my mom yet really. I don't want to get her hopes either until we actually sign a piece of paper. so i'm just kind of bouncing around the walls right now.

this label is big. like fucking BIG. like the band that was on this label was like one of my idols growing up....and that just drives me to a fucking crazy adolescent craziness also! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

They really want to fly me down there and they really want to have dinner with me? and they really want to introduce me to this producer fellow?? How the fuck did this happen????

who knows? who cares? i haven't experienced this much excitement since i first discovered sex.

now it's just waiting. til i leave for LAX on friday. ....FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

damn, i woke up in the most cynical of moods for some reason. i sometimes can fake being ok. but nah....a co worker was talking to someone and was mentioning how upbeat he usually is, and how rare it was for someone to answer when asked "how are you?" and he replies "GREAT!" with genuine enthusiasm. and he says in mid sentence, "you know, most people just say i'm ok, or alright." and then he turns to me and asks, "hey how are you?"

and i turn to him with a sour look on my face and say "not so good at all."

i agree with him though. most people will just say ok or alright even if they are not. why lie? if i feel shitty, and someone asks me...hey..I feel shitty. thanks for asking!

anyways, ive got tommorrow off and i got a fresh pouch of tobacco and i'll probably go chainsmoke at my favorite little haunt, and drink some beer...and read.

that's funny. alot of people like to go to bars and schmooze or try to pick up people. I have a few bars i frequent.
one of them my favorite because its nearby and you can smoke inside. I like to bring a paperback and just smoke and drink and read. and occasionally people watch. I'm not a super gregarious individual to begin with, but the human side still has some amount of social need, so just being around a bunch of other people is alright by me. i won't turn down having a conversation though either...its not complicated....i just don't like talking all the time.

i've been reading Stephen King's the stand. I've never read it before. I never realized it but I'm a big fan of Apocalyptic scenarios. The first 250 pages are really groovy, of the whole world falling apart. Quite engrossing.

So it looks like I'll be off to LA next weekend. I haven't been back in a few years. I'm thinking in lieu of having a friend pick me up at LAX, just taking the Metro up to Hollywood. Get a chance to walk around my old neighborhood. (Hollywood Blvd. between La Brea and Vine). It'll be a nice mini-getaway. Maybe I can swing over to the ocean and actually jump in real quick. That's the one thing I'm not a fan of Northern California's version of the Pacific. Abit too cold to jump in. Some people do though. Very hardy people they must be.

I had a long skype chat with a friend of mine. And we talked about near the end of it. This theory I have with beautiful people and ugly people. and how they have the most in common with each other. They are outcasts in their own different ways. The opposites on the same spectrum. The never wanted and the always envied.
I've always felt completely ugly, and she's been beautiful all of her life. It's funny. We are both similarly insecure.
And lonely.

Loneliness can be an unsettling thing. However it's also a strangely compelling companion, especially when you want to write about loneliness or numerous outbranching feelings that outcrop from that.

What's an interesting juxtaposition? Writing a happy song when you are severely depressed. It's totally interesting. Mostly, because the lyrics somehow find a way you make you feel worse, yet you can still see why it's happy to most people. It's like a choice. The words are presented in a way that give you the option to choose whether or not you will take it as happy.

I used to be a masochist, and I loved beating myself up for all sorts of stupid things. Not so much anymore.
However, I do sometimes miss the comfort in being sad sometimes. Rarely yet sometimes.

problem is. My favorite bar is Amber. For those of you who don't know it. It's a bar in San Francisco, where you can smoke inside.

Now, I'm a smoker, and I love a good beer or two or three or four or five. But, fuck, i end up smoking waaayy to much everytime i go, and my lungs feel like absolute shite the next day! It's a love/hate thing.



Also, on a side note: I'm recording more guitar stuff. two songs in the hopper right now, i really need a bass line.
everything seems to make sense to me when i add synths. even if i don't use the synth that much, sometimes i may delete out of the final mix altogether, but knowing it was there, is enough to make me feel better.

we're still gonna have to audtion a bass player at some point. aghh. fuck! I want more rehearsals too. that's paramount. that goes without saying. it's important to be a tight band. there's already too many bands that are far too sloppy.

is it my karma? i can write to the end of the universe...but for once, can I have a band that can stick together for once? FUCK

i enjoy the solo thing as much as the next dude, but, the prospect of being a lone wolf forever. makes me sad. just a tad.

whatevers
--openchakra.com

Well, here's to sleeping in! Some times i prefer waking up at 4pm or 5pm. I don't do it often but it is nice everyonce and awhile.

It's a shame we can't build up sleep and use it later. Like I could sleep for 4 or 5 days in a row. and not have to sleep for 4 or 5 days in a row. How cool would that be?

Now that I think about it, i want a floating bed, floating on one of those huge bathtubs thats like a swimming pool.
then when i wake up i just roll off the bed, into the water and it's all good.

They are showing The Breakfast Club outside at Dolores Park, so i must assemble a picnic.

Picnic essentials; Beer, chips of some kind, either i can go sandwiches, or i can grab a burrito from burrito truck,
maybe some fruit. I haven't seen Breakfast Club in awhile, groovy!

they. i like they.i'm clicking. if i were their objects of affection. i would put a crown on my head. i'd pretend i'm Jesus, and i'd walk around the kitchen eating my bowl of Capn Crunch w/ some Soy-Vitamin-Chemical-Non-Milk.
I

I would try to sit down and watch TV and then perhaps i could make sense of it all. LIke why didnt they make a documentary about the history of humans from beginning to end? but with no commercials, and if at all possible no product placements. FUCKIT! If there's a God, we as people are the ultimate product placements. Look everyone! I've created these things....HUMANS! God is waving his hands and smiling. I've created these walking things.

Look at them walk. That one there spends hours getting her teeth to look that good. What are--wait a minute......

who is God trying to impress in this infomercial anyways?
God needs to impress people. that's pretty sad.

Did God get bullied by the other Gods?

and the lord said, Unto thine own ether be true, "