The cute new girl at my work just asked my age. I told her “Thirty-four.” She said “Oh my god! I thought you were wayyy younger.” I said “Yeah, I get that a lot. I look really young for my age.” She said “No, you look thirty-four. You just seem really immature.” 
Internet Dating Fun Facts...
*Internet Dating Fun Fact: If a woman describes herself as “Your typical OC woman” on her online dating profile, there’s a pretty good chance she means “Obsessive Compulsive” and not “Orange County.”
*IDFF: If a man describes himself as “Down to earth” on his online dating profile, he’s either a dwarf, or was born without legs. Be sure to ask for a full body photo to avoid an awkward first date.
*IDFF: If a woman writes “Loves to travel” on her online dating profile, it usually means she wants the man to pay for it.
*IDFF: If a man describes himself as a “Homebody” on his online dating profile, he’s either on house arrest, or has bodies buried in his home.
*IDFF: If a woman writes “Loves to read” on her online dating profile, she probably means 50 Shades of Grey.
*IDFF: If a man writes “Loves to read” on his online dating profile, he probably really loves to read… just not YOUR profile.
*IDFF: If a woman writes that she only dates men who are 6’2” or taller, I’ll usually just lie and show up to the date anyway. If she complains or calls me out on it, I’ll tell her “Oh really? Well I only date women who are 36DD, so deal with it.”
*IDFF: If a man lists “MMA” as his favorite sport on his online dating profile, be sure to tell him that you don’t grapple on the first date.
*IDFF: If a woman writes “Loves the outdoors” on her online dating profile, she’s most likely homeless.
*IDFF: If a man lists his body type as “Athletic” on his online dating profile, there’s usually a douchey pic of him flexing in the bathroom mirror to prove it.
*IDFF: If a woman lists “Clubbing” as a hobby on her online dating profile, she probably means baby seals.
*IDFF: If a man’s online dating screen name is “LaidBackDude87,” it’s probably because the name “DudeIOnceGotLaidBackIn87” is just wayyy too long.
*IDFF: If a woman describes herself as “Spiritual” on her online dating profile, she probably has pretty good weed hook-ups.
*IDFF: If a man describes himself as “Handy” on his online dating profile, he’ll probably try to grope you within minutes of meeting you.
*IDFF: If a woman lists “Clean sheets” as one the six things she could never do without on her online dating profile, she’s probably in the Ku Klux Klan.
*IDFF: If a man sends you an intimate message with word “Hola!” in the subject line, he probably really meant to write “HOLLA!”… he just can’t spell for shit.
*IDFF: If a woman describes herself as a "Free-spirit" on her online dating profile, there's a pretty good chance she puts out on the first date... so message her IMMEDIATELY.
*IDFF: If a man writes “Newly single and looking for some arm-candy” in the About Me section on his online dating profile, it usually means his girlfriend broke up with him... so now he’s turning to heroin.
*IDFF: If a woman describes herself as "Low maintenance" on her online dating profile, she probably has cankles. What? I couldn't think of anything. Sheesh.
*IDFF: If a man lists “Sunshine, sand, sandals, a towel, a good book, and a cell phone” as the six things he could never do without on his online dating profile, he’s most likely in al Qaeda.
*Internet Dating Fun Fact: If a woman describes herself as “Your typical OC woman” on her online dating profile, there’s a pretty good chance she means “Obsessive Compulsive” and not “Orange County.”
*IDFF: If a man describes himself as “Down to earth” on his online dating profile, he’s either a dwarf, or was born without legs. Be sure to ask for a full body photo to avoid an awkward first date.
*IDFF: If a woman writes “Loves to travel” on her online dating profile, it usually means she wants the man to pay for it.
*IDFF: If a man describes himself as a “Homebody” on his online dating profile, he’s either on house arrest, or has bodies buried in his home.
*IDFF: If a woman writes “Loves to read” on her online dating profile, she probably means 50 Shades of Grey.
*IDFF: If a man writes “Loves to read” on his online dating profile, he probably really loves to read… just not YOUR profile.
*IDFF: If a woman writes that she only dates men who are 6’2” or taller, I’ll usually just lie and show up to the date anyway. If she complains or calls me out on it, I’ll tell her “Oh really? Well I only date women who are 36DD, so deal with it.”
*IDFF: If a man lists “MMA” as his favorite sport on his online dating profile, be sure to tell him that you don’t grapple on the first date.
*IDFF: If a woman writes “Loves the outdoors” on her online dating profile, she’s most likely homeless.
*IDFF: If a man lists his body type as “Athletic” on his online dating profile, there’s usually a douchey pic of him flexing in the bathroom mirror to prove it.
*IDFF: If a woman lists “Clubbing” as a hobby on her online dating profile, she probably means baby seals.
*IDFF: If a man’s online dating screen name is “LaidBackDude87,” it’s probably because the name “DudeIOnceGotLaidBackIn87” is just wayyy too long.
*IDFF: If a woman describes herself as “Spiritual” on her online dating profile, she probably has pretty good weed hook-ups.
*IDFF: If a man describes himself as “Handy” on his online dating profile, he’ll probably try to grope you within minutes of meeting you.
*IDFF: If a woman lists “Clean sheets” as one the six things she could never do without on her online dating profile, she’s probably in the Ku Klux Klan.
*IDFF: If a man sends you an intimate message with word “Hola!” in the subject line, he probably really meant to write “HOLLA!”… he just can’t spell for shit.
*IDFF: If a woman describes herself as a "Free-spirit" on her online dating profile, there's a pretty good chance she puts out on the first date... so message her IMMEDIATELY.
*IDFF: If a man writes “Newly single and looking for some arm-candy” in the About Me section on his online dating profile, it usually means his girlfriend broke up with him... so now he’s turning to heroin.
*IDFF: If a woman describes herself as "Low maintenance" on her online dating profile, she probably has cankles. What? I couldn't think of anything. Sheesh.
*IDFF: If a man lists “Sunshine, sand, sandals, a towel, a good book, and a cell phone” as the six things he could never do without on his online dating profile, he’s most likely in al Qaeda.
My Pandora has been acting really strange lately. No matter what type of station I create, it eventually ends up playing the band Fun. For example: If I make a Wu Tang Clan station, the song "We Are Young" will eventually come on. If I create a Slayer station, after a while it will end up playing "Carry On". Anyway, I emailed them and explained the situation. Turns out I accidentally checked the "Caucasian" box on the registration page. My bad.
I don't like it when my coworkers bring their babies into work. Everyone gathers around and makes a big deal about it, but I usually just stay at my desk. A baby has nothing to offer me. Bring it back when it can talk and has some cool toys, then I'll say what's up.
When most guys see a really hot girl with a less than average-looking dude, they automatically assume that the dude has money. That's a very unhealthy, materialistic way to think. I never think that. I just assume the girl is blind.
Let's play a game: I'm going to list three quotes. Two of them will be inspirational quotes made by famous historical figures and one of them will be a quote made by yours truly. See if you can spot which one is mine. You only get one chance, so read carefully and choose wisely. Ok, here we go...
1) "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
2) "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
3) "You know what? I don't think I've ever seen an Indian dude on a Harley."
1) "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
2) "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
3) "You know what? I don't think I've ever seen an Indian dude on a Harley."
I've tried the whole "twitter" thing. But I can't really get into it. I guess I just have a hard time expressing myself using only 140 chara
When the food truck lady rang up my chicken tortilla soup today, I reached into my back pocket and said, "Oh Jesus. I left my wallet upstairs." She smiled and said, "Oh, it's ok. I'll wait while you get it." I stared at her for a second and then said, "Uh... can we just do that thing where you let me pay you tomorrow?" She shook her head and said, "I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to do that anymore. It's too hard to remember who owes me money. I always end up forgetting to collect the next day." I sighed and said, "Oh. Yeah, I can see how that would be a problem." As I walked away, she said, "I'll wait until you get back with your wallet and then I'll pour your soup so it's nice and hot." I yelled back at her, "Don't bother... I didn't have any money in the first place.
Let's play a game: I'm going to list three quotes. Two of them will be inspirational quotes made by famous historical figures and one of them will be a quote made by yours truly. See if you can spot which one is mine. You only get chance, so read carefully and choose wisely. Ok, here we go...
1) "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
2) "The smaller the mind, the greater the conceit."
3) "Cactus Cooler?!? I wanted a Coke! Hey vending machine, go fuck yourself."
1) "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
2) "The smaller the mind, the greater the conceit."
3) "Cactus Cooler?!? I wanted a Coke! Hey vending machine, go fuck yourself."
