so my weekend will likely consist of staying at home trying to get my vision back.
I'm a GODDAM ZOMBIE! (you south park fans will get the reference)
meh... Stephen "future-governor-of-Utah" Harper won our election here, but only by a minority.
The way i see it, Canadians gave Martin and the Libs a pee-pee smack for being bad and sent them to their room.
But we aren't handing over the car keys to Harper just yet. I give him a year tops. Joe Clark anyone?
The way i see it, Canadians gave Martin and the Libs a pee-pee smack for being bad and sent them to their room.
But we aren't handing over the car keys to Harper just yet. I give him a year tops. Joe Clark anyone?
wow... who'da thought Mick and Keith would have taught me more wisdom that Buddha, but as the saying goes:
you can't always get what you want... but if you try sometimes, you just might get what you need.
Just found out a shitload of my happily married friends are either cheating on their wives or getting divorced. Could it be they wanted what they thought they should have instead of what they needed?
It takes a brave person to go after what they want. I realize now, it takes an even braver person to admit they don't know what they want.
I don't feel so bad about not being married at 33
you can't always get what you want... but if you try sometimes, you just might get what you need.
Just found out a shitload of my happily married friends are either cheating on their wives or getting divorced. Could it be they wanted what they thought they should have instead of what they needed?
It takes a brave person to go after what they want. I realize now, it takes an even braver person to admit they don't know what they want.
I don't feel so bad about not being married at 33
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.
Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free. In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.
When Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom he craps out perfect dodecahedrons to prove his precision and accuracy in the art of shit taking.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once held an anti-government protest in Washington. At the news, the government was so terrified that it disbanded immediately and declared Chuck the new President. Though pleased, Chuck's only intent had been to lure in dirty hippies to kick their asses.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.
If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin.
Chuck Norris once was approached by a man who said, "Hello, I'm John Joeseph Jonny Jr." Realizing that this was an awesomely toungue tying name, he proceeded to give Mr. Jonny a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, "Shut up. I'm Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.
There is a picture of Chuck Norris next to 'Justice' in the dictionary. If your dictionary doesn't have this, Chuck Norris will kill you.
Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.
They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.
Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.
Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.
Viagra is in fact Chuck Norris' solidified semen.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.
Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free. In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.
When Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom he craps out perfect dodecahedrons to prove his precision and accuracy in the art of shit taking.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once held an anti-government protest in Washington. At the news, the government was so terrified that it disbanded immediately and declared Chuck the new President. Though pleased, Chuck's only intent had been to lure in dirty hippies to kick their asses.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.
If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin.
Chuck Norris once was approached by a man who said, "Hello, I'm John Joeseph Jonny Jr." Realizing that this was an awesomely toungue tying name, he proceeded to give Mr. Jonny a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, "Shut up. I'm Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.
There is a picture of Chuck Norris next to 'Justice' in the dictionary. If your dictionary doesn't have this, Chuck Norris will kill you.
Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.
They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.
Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.
Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.
Viagra is in fact Chuck Norris' solidified semen.
Regarding Gary Busey...
Crop circles are Gary Busey's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Gary Busey allows to live.
When Gary Busey goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
When Gary Busey was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Gary Busey!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Gary Busey coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Gary Busey could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Gary Busey has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Gary Busey ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
Gary Busey is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Gary Busey has two speeds: walk and kill.
Gary Busey once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
When Gary Busey jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Gary Busey instead.
Gary Busey played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
If you were to lock Gary Busey in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this Gary Busey replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Gary Busey can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Gary Busey once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Gary Busey is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Gary Busey was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Gary Busey, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Gary Busey doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
On his birthday, Gary Busey randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
You are what you eat. That is why Gary Busey's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Gary Busey ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
Gary Busey can divide by zero.
Crop circles are Gary Busey's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Gary Busey allows to live.
When Gary Busey goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
When Gary Busey was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Gary Busey!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Gary Busey coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Gary Busey could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Gary Busey has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Gary Busey ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
Gary Busey is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Gary Busey has two speeds: walk and kill.
Gary Busey once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
When Gary Busey jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Gary Busey instead.
Gary Busey played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
If you were to lock Gary Busey in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this Gary Busey replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Gary Busey can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Gary Busey once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Gary Busey is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Gary Busey was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Gary Busey, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Gary Busey doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
On his birthday, Gary Busey randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
You are what you eat. That is why Gary Busey's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Gary Busey ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
Gary Busey can divide by zero.
To the punk who broke into my car tonite and stole my vintage leather jacket: if i ever see you in it, prepare to spend the last thirty seconds of your life gazing at your headless torso.
I went to the tattoo convention yesterday. Unfortunately Bob Tyrell was booked up so my Screamin Jay Hawkins tattoo will have to wait til i hit Toronto.
Met the Enigma, which was cool. But saw an unusual celebrity there... Stockwell Day... bizarre
Met the Enigma, which was cool. But saw an unusual celebrity there... Stockwell Day... bizarre
Me and the girl are ok for now... we are resigned to the fact that this will be a spectacular, Hindenburgish disaster, but might as well enjoy the ride 
JUNE 2006
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APRIL 2006
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