Well I've been here for over a year. And what a year. I've been going back through my old journal entries and cut and pasting them. I need a record. I need a record of the ending of my marriage, and I want to save the beginning of another relationship. Funny how things are always an ending and a beginning. But it's time for me to end it here. I've made some wonderful new friends from this site - those of you who I've met in person. I have to say even those who were never more than a typed comment have been weirdly and wildly important and I thank you.
So onward and goodbye...
So onward and goodbye...
He calls me in the middle of the day.
For no reason.
Just because.
Just because he likes the sound of my voice.
For no reason.
Just because.
Just because he likes the sound of my voice.
Last night my thoughts went something like this:
'What is it about Rock that when it's good it's just so ...so....GOOD?'
This thought brought on by a GOOD show by B.R.M.C., was unfortunately followed by:
'Why the fuck does my ex and his new girl friend always have to come and cuddle/stand within 10 feet of me at EVERY damn show?'
So then I'm stuck watching them. Because once I know where they are - well, I can't help but keep on eye on them. I guess I should leave, go to another part of the club, but damn it I had fought off short drunks bumping into me and 6'7" guys with really big hair wanting to stand in front of me. I had outlasted the barely 21 year old girls who only stopped talking to each other long enough to talk on their cell phones -probably still to each other.
IT WAS MY SPOT. I WAS THERE FIRST. I wasn't going to slink off to the back and give up my view and easy access to the bar.
Nope, I was going to hold my ground. Hold my ground and watch them. Hold my ground and think how we together were never like them. Hold my ground knowing that all those years, I had said to him that I didn't feel like I was The One for him, I had been right.
I'm not jealous. I'm not. I'm the one who left. I left because someone showed me how good and easy love could be. I'm just sad because my next thought was:
'I wasted fifteen years of my life.'
That was the first time I really have felt that - the loss of all that time when I knew it wasn't working but we just kept at it.
However, I'm good at controlling my thoughts and by the time I got home and in bed, I had managed to get back to thinking:
'Everything leads up to today. And today is good. And just what is it that makes really good Rock just so....so... GOOD?'
_______________________________________________
Today is my mother's birthday. She would be 75. Happy Birthday. I miss you.
It is also the three year anniversary of our little easy quick painless war. So I'm going to a protest downtown. Then my kids need some new clothes so we are going to the mall. I feel so quintessentially American.
'What is it about Rock that when it's good it's just so ...so....GOOD?'
This thought brought on by a GOOD show by B.R.M.C., was unfortunately followed by:
'Why the fuck does my ex and his new girl friend always have to come and cuddle/stand within 10 feet of me at EVERY damn show?'
So then I'm stuck watching them. Because once I know where they are - well, I can't help but keep on eye on them. I guess I should leave, go to another part of the club, but damn it I had fought off short drunks bumping into me and 6'7" guys with really big hair wanting to stand in front of me. I had outlasted the barely 21 year old girls who only stopped talking to each other long enough to talk on their cell phones -probably still to each other.
IT WAS MY SPOT. I WAS THERE FIRST. I wasn't going to slink off to the back and give up my view and easy access to the bar.
Nope, I was going to hold my ground. Hold my ground and watch them. Hold my ground and think how we together were never like them. Hold my ground knowing that all those years, I had said to him that I didn't feel like I was The One for him, I had been right.
I'm not jealous. I'm not. I'm the one who left. I left because someone showed me how good and easy love could be. I'm just sad because my next thought was:
'I wasted fifteen years of my life.'
That was the first time I really have felt that - the loss of all that time when I knew it wasn't working but we just kept at it.
However, I'm good at controlling my thoughts and by the time I got home and in bed, I had managed to get back to thinking:
'Everything leads up to today. And today is good. And just what is it that makes really good Rock just so....so... GOOD?'
_______________________________________________
Today is my mother's birthday. She would be 75. Happy Birthday. I miss you.
It is also the three year anniversary of our little easy quick painless war. So I'm going to a protest downtown. Then my kids need some new clothes so we are going to the mall. I feel so quintessentially American.
Today is youngest daughter's seventh birthday. I think she had every little kids dream day- getting to go to school two hours late because of snow and then the power went off - so she only had school for two more hours.
I took the girls sledding in the arboretum after the short day. The spring snow reminded me of so much of living on the east coast. Suddenly, I was back carrying a bucket of maple sap into the shed where we made syrup. I could smell the sweet, smokey smell of it cooking. I hadn't forgotten the smell - but I had forgotten what a spring snow was like - how wet and sticky it is, and how even though it can be deep it feels short lived. Maybe it's the pink plum tree buds showing through or the daffodils, or even the robins bright against it - or that it peals away to reveal green grass and mud.
I hope she knows what a gift she is.
I took the girls sledding in the arboretum after the short day. The spring snow reminded me of so much of living on the east coast. Suddenly, I was back carrying a bucket of maple sap into the shed where we made syrup. I could smell the sweet, smokey smell of it cooking. I hadn't forgotten the smell - but I had forgotten what a spring snow was like - how wet and sticky it is, and how even though it can be deep it feels short lived. Maybe it's the pink plum tree buds showing through or the daffodils, or even the robins bright against it - or that it peals away to reveal green grass and mud.
I hope she knows what a gift she is.
ARRRGH!!!! Emails like this from my ex:
I was just looking at the calendar. 1 week for spring break coming up, then a week in the summer, then a week at xmas with the kids. Is that all, I can use my remaining 10 (8 as of today) days out of a year for me? So I guess to re-answer, if Im lucky I will get to go to Burning Man, thats all. Maybe I will get to something else next year.
Drive home the point of why I left him. You have to consider 1. These ARE HIS kids, who he is supposed to love and want to be with. 2. The man gets 5 weeks off a year, obviously he took some "me" time already.
I can hear the little violins now....
I was just looking at the calendar. 1 week for spring break coming up, then a week in the summer, then a week at xmas with the kids. Is that all, I can use my remaining 10 (8 as of today) days out of a year for me? So I guess to re-answer, if Im lucky I will get to go to Burning Man, thats all. Maybe I will get to something else next year.
Drive home the point of why I left him. You have to consider 1. These ARE HIS kids, who he is supposed to love and want to be with. 2. The man gets 5 weeks off a year, obviously he took some "me" time already.
I can hear the little violins now....
Well let's see...searching around on the internet yesterday for why Talcum powder is bad for you (it is very similar to asbestos and causes cancer) I came across a Christian Website - the first couple of lines went something like this:
Masturbation and Pornography:
Just when you thought you had beaten it, it rears it's ugly head again.
So that gave me a good laugh.
However, reading about the endless struggle to do away with a woman's Constitutional right to make decisions concerning her own body didn't. The latest South Dakota Ban that opponents of abortion hope will push Roe V. Wade to the Supreme Court again, has no exceptions for rape, incest, or health of the mother. Reading some of the quotes from people championing the ban made my blood boil. Basically, they said abortion was often a used as a "convenience" and that females choose to allow themselves to get pregnant and then take the easy way out. OK, so when a woman's raped (where she had no choice) and then gets pregnant she is forced to bear that child. The irony of their ideas of "choice" astonish me. Even worse the rapist can have parental rights.
Another person argued that many women after having an abortion wish someone had stopped them. So banning it was a way to do this. Everyone who has an abortion has a person to stop them- THEMSELVES. That is the basis of choice, freedom, and responsibility. By implying that women are incapable of making life decisions on their own and then living with that choice, is denying woman full citizenship, adulthood, and equality.
And I won't even go into the incest part because we all know that when someone's uncle starts banging his little niece when she's 12 and she gets pregnant, the best thing will be to make her have that child.
It will be interesting to see what this new Supreme Court 's opinions on the sanctity of equality and freedom are.
Masturbation and Pornography:
Just when you thought you had beaten it, it rears it's ugly head again.
So that gave me a good laugh.
However, reading about the endless struggle to do away with a woman's Constitutional right to make decisions concerning her own body didn't. The latest South Dakota Ban that opponents of abortion hope will push Roe V. Wade to the Supreme Court again, has no exceptions for rape, incest, or health of the mother. Reading some of the quotes from people championing the ban made my blood boil. Basically, they said abortion was often a used as a "convenience" and that females choose to allow themselves to get pregnant and then take the easy way out. OK, so when a woman's raped (where she had no choice) and then gets pregnant she is forced to bear that child. The irony of their ideas of "choice" astonish me. Even worse the rapist can have parental rights.
Another person argued that many women after having an abortion wish someone had stopped them. So banning it was a way to do this. Everyone who has an abortion has a person to stop them- THEMSELVES. That is the basis of choice, freedom, and responsibility. By implying that women are incapable of making life decisions on their own and then living with that choice, is denying woman full citizenship, adulthood, and equality.
And I won't even go into the incest part because we all know that when someone's uncle starts banging his little niece when she's 12 and she gets pregnant, the best thing will be to make her have that child.
It will be interesting to see what this new Supreme Court 's opinions on the sanctity of equality and freedom are.
He's coming tomorrow. This guy I love. This guy I never see enough of. This guy I never get enough of. Maybe it's the perfect relationship - never together enough to get boring. Just intense little blocks of time to explore each other, to explode into each other, and lots of time to fantasize about what it would be like if we had the luxury of boring each other. How long will this be satisfying I don't know - but I know that right now, it is the best thing I have ever had, and I right now is all I have anyway.
** WARNING: Following Subject to Change Without Notice **
I'm happy. I'm really deeply happy. It's been a long time.
I'm happy. I'm really deeply happy. It's been a long time.
