There is a juxtaposition happening right now in my life. So much is going right for me in so many ways, I am so happy for the little things that are happening around me but two very big things are not what I would like them to be for me anymore. Work used to be fun and I used to enjoy the people I had around me at work now I just feel like its a lost cause and I need to start looking at something else to move on to. The other down side is my relationship with Kellie is still very very strained.
I love this girl more anything in the world but my mistakes and actions have caused us to go down a very dark road and fall away from each other. On one hand I hope we find a way to fix things. I would very much love to see her smile like she used to when she saw me. I would love to see her light up and bring joy to everything in her life the way things used to be. On the other hand the reality is very grim, we have almost no emotion together and anger and on some levels resentment. We have been broke up for almost two months now. We still live together and I'm sure that is not helping our situation at all. However, my heart does belong to her. She may feel like that's not the case but the truth is no one holds a candle to her in the way I feel about love and my relationships past and present. What can I do now? I think I'm doing my best and I think at the end of the day no matter what happens I know deep down in my heart and soul that I love her more than anyone else ever could. I could have done a lot differently in this relationship. I regret cheating on her and everything that came with that. I won't make excuses. I won't try to explain it. I fucked up. I could have not broken her down with my words. I could have been honest with her about everything. I could have shown more emotion. And as much as the cheating and words are a huge portion of why we are where we at, what bugs me the most most isn't those things. It's the lack of emotion . I could have shown more than remorse or anger. I don't know what switch got flipped off in my head but whatever it was it should have never been flipped off. The emotions I felt and still feel are very real and run very deep. However, until recently I haven't been able to show them and it bugs me that they come out when it's too late. Especially because I love her more than I can express with words.
I love this girl more anything in the world but my mistakes and actions have caused us to go down a very dark road and fall away from each other. On one hand I hope we find a way to fix things. I would very much love to see her smile like she used to when she saw me. I would love to see her light up and bring joy to everything in her life the way things used to be. On the other hand the reality is very grim, we have almost no emotion together and anger and on some levels resentment. We have been broke up for almost two months now. We still live together and I'm sure that is not helping our situation at all. However, my heart does belong to her. She may feel like that's not the case but the truth is no one holds a candle to her in the way I feel about love and my relationships past and present. What can I do now? I think I'm doing my best and I think at the end of the day no matter what happens I know deep down in my heart and soul that I love her more than anyone else ever could. I could have done a lot differently in this relationship. I regret cheating on her and everything that came with that. I won't make excuses. I won't try to explain it. I fucked up. I could have not broken her down with my words. I could have been honest with her about everything. I could have shown more emotion. And as much as the cheating and words are a huge portion of why we are where we at, what bugs me the most most isn't those things. It's the lack of emotion . I could have shown more than remorse or anger. I don't know what switch got flipped off in my head but whatever it was it should have never been flipped off. The emotions I felt and still feel are very real and run very deep. However, until recently I haven't been able to show them and it bugs me that they come out when it's too late. Especially because I love her more than I can express with words.
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i like your username
You can't un-do what you did. You can't make her see you the way she did before. You can't make up for disloyalty in the past with loyalty in the presentthe past is already written. If you want to make things right, first of all accept that it may be impossible. And second, stop expecting anything positive out of her. Stop hoping she will ever forgive you. Stop wishing that she would smile at you. If you can't live without those things, you don't love heryou just have a dependency on her. If you do love her, what that really means is that you want her to be happy, no matter what, whether it's with you, with someone else, or alone. And you want her not to suffer.
So stop doing anything that causes her suffering, no matter how small. And only do things that she actually appreciates from you; if you do something, and it's clearly unappreciated, stop doing it. Let your own ego out of the equation: love is not about you. It's not about getting something. Love is about two things only: restraining yourself from causing harm, and doing welcome kindness.