I so love Depeche Mode.

That is all.
Ray.

It's time to make some changes.

In many ways this year has been extremely challenging for both me and my family. My faith and confidence was definitely shaken. Self-doubt and doubt in others became a normal thing. Through it all, though, we stayed together, broken relationships were reconciled, and those with health problems (myself included) found solutions. Deep-seated issues/delusions were brought out into the open and finally dealt with all across the board. Definitely a year of challenges, but well worth it considering the lessons learned.

The new year will be an exciting one. I can really feel it, and I haven't had that feeling in who knows how long. So, I know it's real. Good things are happening all around.

Blessings,
Ray.

in recovery mode now. much stronger. skin graft is looking really good and healthy. donor site is looking decent. shoulder is stiff, though. i hope it's "normal" in two weeks--that's when i start working again.

man, it's been a strange couple months.
the first two months were pretty boring, but that's cos i was on pain killers and sleepy all the time. watching t.v. started reading comics again. sandman. really good. and it sparked something in me.
other than the odd scribble in my little notebook, i'd totally neglected the visual artist in me for the last decade or so, which is a shame because i have somewhat of a knack for it. since i was a kid, people said i'd be an artist. after a while, though, i felt like i had no choice in the matter, and so i switched direction to becoming a physician. doesn't make much sense--maybe it was a strong suggestion by my parents or the need for me to do something prestigious and useful.
the whole time i studied and did well at science stuff, though, i made art--music mostly.
it occurred to me that i'm a creator. some people are good at fixing stuff, others at managing and communicating with people. some investigate. others destroy. and i create--it's the single biggest drive in my life and i've pushed it back for the past decade.
and i keep hearing it from people: well, you'll probably be poor, but at least you'll be happy doing what you love to do.
but say i go this route--what then? i have no formal education. no credibility. just raw talent. is that enough? do i have any right? who will i disappoint? does it matter?
if i decide to abandon the science/medicine path, were all those years wasted?
it's all a bit silly, i know.
but i need to get my life going. i need to start living up to my potential. i need to be excited and passionate about what i do.

ray.

wednesday was the big operation to remove the thing that should not be. or rather, the thing that should have never gone unchecked for so long. but it's out now along with a sizable portion of my shoulder. pathology results should be ready by monday, at which point i'll know whether they need to cut out anymore.
until then i've got a lovely wound vac giving me the hickey of a lifetime.
thursday, though, is a 12 hour-long reconstructive surgery followed by a week at the hospital, so i've got more fun to look forward to.

but through it all i'm ever thankful of my family and friends. i can't even imagine going through this by myself--and to think, some people do.

blessings,
ray.

got a super awesome trip to austin coming up.
visiting my best friend jesus and some others.
going to a bunch of art shows/parties.
to meet "cool" people, eat, and drink.
apparently, that's the thing to do there...
so, i'll partake.

possibly getting sick.
hopefully nothing to do with the meds i'm taking.
time for some vitamin c.
zinc.
etc.

besos.
ray.

cancer.

well, it could be worse.

it's super rare and "just happens." awright!
high recurrence rate. eh.
but rarely spreads and few die from it. yeah!

major surgery is in store...
but hopefully we can shrink it down some.

the medication i'm taking now has some rather unpleasant side effects. it'll all be worth it, though, if my condition improves. fingers crossed.

on the bright side...

i only had to pay $20 for a 30-day supply, meaning i saved $6754 thanks to my insurance!

plus, the support from family and friends has been downright...powerful, humbling...
so, all things considered...

i'm very lucky and very blessed.
blessings,

ray.

shit shit shit.

ray.

oh, boy.
sometimes (amazingly not more often) being a procrastinator bites me in the ass.
i've had a certain medical concern for about a year now and only recently have i done anything about it. much to my dismay, however, the problem seems to have progressed to the point where i need surgery. and i'm fairly certain it will be expensive. granted, i do have pretty decent health insurance, but even still...
had i done something about it a year ago, the procedure needed at that point would have been much easier and much less costly.
i'm such a fool sometimes. there just always seemed to be a more pressing matter. and the really sad part of it all is that i actually researched the condition pretty extensively months ago and knew very well the possible repercussions (medical and financial) of not getting the matter resolved expediently.
worse off is i've told no one about it yet. why? pride, i suppose. at this point, at every point.
worse still is the possibility that the issue may be much worse than predicted at which point concerns about inconvenience and cost fly out the window.
and my family...oh god. as many hospitalizations as there were this year among them, i can't stand the thought of having to worry them anymore. that's really what i'm worried about...
on the bright side, however, my g.p. didn't seem too worried!
i'll make my appointment in a couple weeks.
plus, i have an amazing week of holiday fun with family and friends to enjoy.

to the new year--may i be less of a dumb ass!
ray.

i just finished going over organic chemistry as prep for taking the mcat. and looking back on it, i think i need to go over it again. grrrr! on the other hand, i've got a much better grasp on the subject than i did when i took the course almost ten years ago. but that really isn't saying much cos this recent review revealed that i remembered virtually nothing. i don't care how long it takes, i WILL understand this stuff!

and when that's done, it's on to physics! yay!
i actually like physics much more, though, and i did do pretty well when i took the course, so maybe the review won't be so bad. here's hoping!

ray.

it's kind of funny realizing what i do for a living. i cook. i feed people i don't know (mostly), sometimes with a smile, some politeness, and a little charm, the result of which is a slightly less anorexic bank account.
and it's so strange to me given my intentions upon starting at my place of employment. "it's just temporary, for the summer, until i can get back into school." and of course life isn't so nice and neat, and years go by and now here i am: a cook.
they call me "chef ray" but really, i'm just a good cook. i have no schooling, i learn from our cookbook of sanctioned recipes and a good deal of experience. i know what i am, but to some people, i really am a "chef," and treat me with some of sort of respect, which i find it both silly and humbling. cos you never know what people have gone through in their lives--what sort of hell they've dealt with--to the point that maybe the manhattan pasta salad you make all the time is gourmet to them, like a step up from wherever they were. or maybe they resent the overpriced fair at the whole foods across the street and see the stuff i make as somehow more down-to-earth.
there's a rather large demographic of older people at my store--the "cole sluts," i call them. it's a mark of distinction for those with the propensity to order cole slaw religiously. or pretty much anything else that requires little chewing. some are a loathsome lot, and others perhaps the sweetest, most appreciative people i've ever come across, and still others are just downright weird.
there's this guy karl that comes by daily, often multiple times. for a while he was addicted to manhattan salad, but now he's all about potato wedges. whatever it is, he's not there for the food really. he's there for the precious (to him) few minutes he has to talk to someone. and believe me, they are bizarre "just nod" conversations. in the span of two minutes, you can be "lucky" enough to endure his thoughts on shark week, immigrants, and ufo's. all half-mumbled with crazy, stinky wide-eyed conviction. but as much as we poke fun at what he is, he always comes back and we always listen. is it a service on our behalf? is it sympathy? is it an excuse to not work for a few minutes? probably all of the above.
but the real point is that, like it or not, our job is to connect with people in a very elemental way. we fulfill peoples' most basic, gnawing needs: we feed them.
kind of reminds me of that pizza shop owner in "do the right thing." you can say what you want about the food, but the simple fact is that we feed people, familes even. hell, maybe some dude who wants to "make" a nice dinner for his girlfriend before he proposes to her. yeah, it's a romantic view on a shitty job, but it's plausible, and definitely probable because you just never know.
maybe i'll cook for you some day.

ray.