I was making my bed this afternoon and suddenly I wondered if shed ever told her boyfriend that shed been having sex with someone else.
The only thing stranger than the fact that the thought randomly popped into my head was that Id never, not once, thought about it before. I stopped tucking the sheet, held a pillow motionless in my left hand and narrowed my eyes, pondering this a moment.
I let out a single chuckle, shook my head, and went back to what I was doing.
I dont want to dwell on the past, especially when it can potentially make me re-think a hell of a lot of things, and question just what happened and when, but growing pains are like that. Were all constantly evolving and changing, it doesnt pay to go back and think what if too much.
If its one thing every twentieth century young adult has in common, its that we hold far too many regrets. We all think back and curse ourselves for not doing the right thing, or for perhaps not doing the wrong thing, just because in hindsight we know we could have gotten away with it.
Itd certainly be nice to live life free of regrets, and of compromise. But why cant we? Because were people, and were complex and were selfish, and all we ever want for ourselves is Everything we want.
In an interesting segue, that same girl who may-or-may-not have told her boyfriend shed been sleeping with someone else, once told me that she liked my selfishness. She liked my flaw. I think about that often, too. Too often. I shouldnt, but I cant get over what a strange thing that is to say to someone.
Maybe on some higher level she knew that were all selfish and And that maybe by telling me that she liked my selfishness she thought she was telling me that she liked me for who I am. Which she was, whether she knew it or not. It would be nice to think she was saying that to make me feel wanted, or perhaps loved.
But in reality, she was probably saying that because it was a means-to-an-end for her, and in turn, was serving her own selfishness. Its a viscous circle. Biting and sucking and swallowing just to reproduce your preferred outcome. What a complex age we all live in.
Im only thinking about this now because, on a completely unrelated topic, I apologized for my selfishness to another girl just yesterday. She accepted it too, at least I think she did. Maybe she was just accepting the apology, and not the cause of it.
Nevertheless, here I am again, dwelling on the past and not my immediate future, which should be of greater concern seeing as my career and life would seem to depend on it. I hate that, so much. Fuck you, society, let me be me.
Ive been told Ill grow out of the state of mind Im in at the moment, and that one day Ill just accept life for what it is. Do you have any idea how much I hate that prospect? To me, all that means is that Im going to become another drone, completely devoid of individuality.
I just want to break.
And here we are again, back to my selfishness.
Will you love me, despite this?
Ill love you despite anything.
Love and Kittens,
Brian
The only thing stranger than the fact that the thought randomly popped into my head was that Id never, not once, thought about it before. I stopped tucking the sheet, held a pillow motionless in my left hand and narrowed my eyes, pondering this a moment.
I let out a single chuckle, shook my head, and went back to what I was doing.
I dont want to dwell on the past, especially when it can potentially make me re-think a hell of a lot of things, and question just what happened and when, but growing pains are like that. Were all constantly evolving and changing, it doesnt pay to go back and think what if too much.
If its one thing every twentieth century young adult has in common, its that we hold far too many regrets. We all think back and curse ourselves for not doing the right thing, or for perhaps not doing the wrong thing, just because in hindsight we know we could have gotten away with it.
Itd certainly be nice to live life free of regrets, and of compromise. But why cant we? Because were people, and were complex and were selfish, and all we ever want for ourselves is Everything we want.
In an interesting segue, that same girl who may-or-may-not have told her boyfriend shed been sleeping with someone else, once told me that she liked my selfishness. She liked my flaw. I think about that often, too. Too often. I shouldnt, but I cant get over what a strange thing that is to say to someone.
Maybe on some higher level she knew that were all selfish and And that maybe by telling me that she liked my selfishness she thought she was telling me that she liked me for who I am. Which she was, whether she knew it or not. It would be nice to think she was saying that to make me feel wanted, or perhaps loved.
But in reality, she was probably saying that because it was a means-to-an-end for her, and in turn, was serving her own selfishness. Its a viscous circle. Biting and sucking and swallowing just to reproduce your preferred outcome. What a complex age we all live in.
Im only thinking about this now because, on a completely unrelated topic, I apologized for my selfishness to another girl just yesterday. She accepted it too, at least I think she did. Maybe she was just accepting the apology, and not the cause of it.
Nevertheless, here I am again, dwelling on the past and not my immediate future, which should be of greater concern seeing as my career and life would seem to depend on it. I hate that, so much. Fuck you, society, let me be me.
Ive been told Ill grow out of the state of mind Im in at the moment, and that one day Ill just accept life for what it is. Do you have any idea how much I hate that prospect? To me, all that means is that Im going to become another drone, completely devoid of individuality.
I just want to break.
And here we are again, back to my selfishness.
Will you love me, despite this?
Ill love you despite anything.
Love and Kittens,
Brian