I feel time ticking away, I feel age starting to set in
My body showing the scars of time and i don't care
I am the dark blade forged in the fires of disdain
I am the pariah, I am the shadow, I am the forgotten
Untouchable, unreachable, unthinkable
How long has it been since my arms held someone
Have they ever? Have i ever been lost in somebody?
I remember not anymore, its all fading dreams to me
Every kiss is like my first kiss, every touch like my first
Lost between who I need to be and who I want to be
Lost between angel and demon
A kiss that is as sweet as sugar
A kiss that is like a fucking storm
Barely feel my arms around you
As I crush you like an anaconda
Fingers like a breeze on your skin
Nails drawing blood across your flesh
I stand alone, waiting for the next victim
Has there ever been one? I dont think so
Am I that unlovable, am I that much of a shadow
Every date gets broken or rescheduled
Every hook up ends up a bust
Those who want me out of reach
Those I want far out of reach
To the point I wonder am I cursed?
What keeps me alone and unseen?
The shadows swirl around me
The night finally falls
The blades call me lively
The swords dance with me
I am the keeper of shadows
I am the keeper of demons
I am he who must not awaken
I am the angel you've been waiting for
I am the the partner to all you life and crimes
I am what cant be fixed or restrained
I am the unpredictable anarchy
I am the drug that eats you up inside
I am the one that will never get bored
I am the one that will always love you
I am the one that will see you through the storm
Where are you girl?
I am waiting

Ladies and gentlemen, well mostly ladies lol

For the first time i believe in my brief SG history I will write a completely positive blog...Yes I know, the shock is amazing, the world is ending, hell has frozen over...hum....well that doesnt count against the positivity

I am FINALLY feeling more stable at my job. I am finally settling into just having friends. I am finally approaching October. The last two weeks of October I will be in New York City. So if you can give me any tips as to where to party or you are going to be there. then please give me a buzz.

I just saw an amazingly romantic movie about that city (no I am not gay, i am just a bloody romantic) in any case it makes a point for destiny so it was pretty cool.

Ever dreamed awake? Ever wanted something so bad that it hurts? Its good, it lets you know your still alive. Someone made me feel like that this week. Weird how day dreams can take you over. Hopefully one day one of my good old daydreams will become reality.

So there you go, complete positivity....i know i am gagging too lol

Hum.........ever had one of those weeks lol.

I marvel at the vagueness of that phrase, lets marvel together for a second....or two.....ok enough marveling on to business or whatever.

Ive come to realize that i often bitch and moan on this blog, eh....that sucks....oh well

So on to what sort of "one of those weeks it is"

A) I realize that I am in a job that I neither hate, nor love. I can paid well and do nothing. I know, what am I complaining about, that sounds bloody ideal doesnt it. Well in theory it is, except for the unfortunate side effect that your paranoid all the time since your boss asking you what you are doing and you having to reply absolutely nothing is always on the back of your mind.

B) I detest the people in this country. Fuck the shallowness is overwhelming and widespread. I honestly tried, i went out, i tried to socialize. No dice

C) I feel like I am existing, not struggling, or living. Lets elaborate, struggling is feeling like your fighting an uphill battle, living is feeling content with your life, existing is the grey area in the middle. Not enough of a challenge to be considered it struggling, and not enough of a fulfillment as to be living. Your basically just getting enough to live on and do nothing else but at the same time its no big effort to get it. Its zero sum balance without an effort. Its going to work, doing nothing, and then going home, rinse, repeat over and over. You get older, but shit stays the same.

D) The only fucking thing i was looking forward to, the ONLY FUCKING THING has now been canceled. Someone fucking reminded me that while it is unlikely i will get fired, i am still starting my masters next year and should save up for it just in case. Translation: That nice little trip to Vegas...is not gonna fucking happen. So of course, me being me, i will be responsible and save, but you know what. FUCK THAT, I am going to New York instead. Not gonna be as expensive, and instead im going to fucking go mad shopping, even then id still only spend half the money id spend in Vegas, so if anyone wants to meet me there, well come on up with me.

E) My dream, well one of my two dreams. The first being me publishing a novel and making fuck you kinda money, but lets be realistic, thats rather unlikely. So when I say my dream i mean the realistic one, i want a doctorate and i want to someday retire and be a college professor......Yea, i know, sounds pathetic, but lets dissect that for a minute. It means that when im done with all the work, i am going to spend the rest of my days surrounded by college students, college parties, and lax work hours....sounds like a plan to me. Besides the fact i am going to use and fuckin abuse the fact that i will be a doctor. To this day, I only have had ONE motherfucking person back up my dream of getting a doctorate. So when i pull it off somehow, i am going to rub it in everyone else in my life's face (I know its petty, but shit, they say I cant do it. The say im wasting my time. And i SOOOOOOOO fucking know that when i pull it off, they will try and glorify themselves with it and take some sort of credit or prestige from the fact that I did it.....fuck that. Even if its to call me an ungrateful asshole I will simply reply."That is DOCTOR ungrateful asshole to you, I didnt fucking get my OWN ass through four years of college, BY MYSELF, IGNORING ALL YOUR BITCHING for you to neglect that part of my name) breathing.......ok, rant over. As I was saying, my dream has been, once again, put down by my family. My brother doesnt care, he is off in his own little world and my family both immediate and extended are of no concern to him. My father.....well the jury is out on him, there could come a day he could help pay for my doctorate, or they could come a day when he simply will take credit for it like he did my bachelors. (sore subject, suffice to say i was on academic scholarship and the stress didnt just appear by its fucking self now did it. I kept the grades and I payed for my tuition with my own fucking effort. His statement was something like "I paid for your college". I rectified "No dad, I paid for my college, you paid the books and the living expenses, the fifty grand it would of cost you to pay my tuition, that was all me". My mother....well she is the one that keeps trying to make me think of Guatemala as home and marry a nice girl (translation, Stay here where i can keep you in my grasp, and marry someone like me that will help make sure you act proper and normal) My reply (to myself, why get into a fight if there is no reason for it ;P): I want to marry a Suicidegirl (Translation: No i dont mean an actual suicidegirl....though i wouldnt mind that . I mean a girl that is REAL, that is herself, and that can fucking kick ass. The type of girl i will wake up every morning feeling like im the luckiest bastard on the planet for being with her. That I will spend the day waiting to be with her again. And when i see her again, we tear the motherfucking roof off my fucking place, wake the bloody neighbors, and make the dogs cringe. I want a partner, an equal, a fucking inferno on two legs. I want a girl that will walk out of the room topless with a cigarette firmly planted between her lips half asleep, fully naked into my living room where ill be playing with the boys and say "what the fuck are you staring at?" To which I will reply "The reason Im not gonna sleep tonight" at which point she will look down, realize she is naked, look back up, smile, walk to the fridge, drink some milk out of the carton, pull out two gatoraids, and the chocolate syrup and walk back to the room swaying her ass gracefully at which point i will kick all the motherfucker out of my house. Throw them a few sixpacks to excuse the inconvenience, and go have wild fucking sex with my fucking girl for the rest of the night. Now im willing to negotiate the walking out naked part. she can do that in pijamas for all i care, the rest though, stays lol. My point is that i want someone that likes me for me, and that is likeminded.

F) Well F is somewhere up there and it involves the sever lack of viable females here.

G) I have nearly died a couple of times, it sucks. That shit stays with you. No i dont live in constant paranoia, but at the end of the day, i question the impact, completeness, and joy of my life up till now as well as my views on where i might be going when i die. You try it, if you have a smile after it, then congrats, if not, then you know why its on the list.

Ok im done venting:

Im thinking im going to try and get a radio show again. I used to have one in college, I gave out advice. For the record, if you dont know, im good at it. I am not being presumptuous, i actually have a skill at it. Your guess as to why is as good as mine. As for you logical counter that if I am so good at it why is my life not perfect, well my reply is this. No one can self diagnose and rectify their own problems. One can give advice to anyone, be the wisest person on the planet, but at the end of the day, he cant give advice to the mirror. In any case, if ive ever given you serious advice you can atest to if im good or not, if not well just take my word for it. I want to do it to have something productive to do on the weekends. Going out here, well its just not doing it for me.

If any of you want to come to Guatemala, please let me know. I will be glad to have some company. The country is gorgeous, inexpensive, and very diverse and cultural. Like i said, the problem are the people.

Well if you read my rant, thanks for reading, if you didnt, well alas you didnt Im out, talk to you laters peoples lol

Hey people, so last blog was a downer, and tonight i felt melancholic so here goes a poem that came to me tonight due to that inspiration


Chasing

A life dedicated to chasing a storm
With endless hope and faith in its existence
A hurricane of fire, passion, and freedom
A storm like not other, my own storm

That is the love I have been chasing, the one I long for
But as I sit here and feel the breeze pass by me
After this long and fruitless quest has raged around me
Raged and swirled around me for years uncountable

Now in this moment, as the gentle breeze caresses my face
Now it is when I come to realize the error of my ways
Passion, burning passion, nights of empty ecstasy
When every touch was wild and burned my skin

Days where I would loose myself to the animal inside
Days where I would abandon reason for instinct
Days whose lovely scars still adorn my body
Permanent reminders of those night most memorable

I can still feel the empty peak, the rush of victory
When screams fill and echo the night over and over
A crescendo of rich and decadent music of lust
And when the song is over, all is nothingness

Now a I sit here and contemplate the breeze
Now I see that love is not in the storms or infernos
Not in a violent squall or a blazing hurricane
No, love, like God, is in the gentle breeze

Storm and hurricanes inevitably die down
Fires and infernos eventually go out
And so does passion, lust, and ecstasy
Empty victories, empty ashes are all that remain

Cold scars and memories, both fading in time
Desires, mistakes, instincts, and consequences
Regrets, questions, hunger, and insatiable impatience
Cruel gifts left behind from nights of foolishness

In the end, true love is a constant and soft breeze
Blowing away worries, caressing every nerve
Gentle and constant, pleasurable torture
Cool, and warm against my touch, my lips

A calm harbor where I can rest my weary self
Where I can make my home, and my birth
Laying down anchor at long last
And resting after the long journey

Often mistaken for boredom and staleness
Still waters that grow muddy and polluted
The sediments and poisons of routine and boredom
But this is the farthest from the truth

Fresh waters constantly replace the old
New winds blow gently against the deck
Ever changing clouds shadow the sky
And the Sun and Moon dance freely

So now I seek my place, my home
To whose arms I shall return every time
In whose chest I shall rest my head
In whose hands I shall trust my heart

Caresses that leave scars in the soul not body
Kisses that burn and spread like gentle wildfire
Touches that shoot lightning through the body
Existence that completes and multiplies

Every move done with loving reverence
Slow and deliberate, as if holy and breakable
Yet rough, and firm, the sturdiest rock
Nights that will never be forgotten

When heart, and body move as one
When heart and body act as one
When heart and body, and heart and body
Together finally all become one

My soul calls to you, loudly, endlessly
My heart breaks for you, over and over
My body aches for you, every nerve ablaze
My voice calls to you in the dead of night

My dreams are of you, shrouded in shadow
My thoughts go to you, on the breeze of life
My path seeks you, over and over till we cross
And my feet carry me forward, to my sanctuary

So I am done chasing after wild fire and cruel storm
I am tired of playing games where no one wins
It is you I seek, peace, support, truth, and love
My rock, my port, my partner, my true soul mate

So its 1:30 in the morning...in retrospect not that late considering ive been awake at 5am and slept only 2 hours before heading off to work. The 5 i will sleep are good compared to that. So i dont stay up for lack of sleep, shit i can sleep any time of the day at will, in fact i REALLY need it, but i have a tendency to stay up doing something or someother. And the later it gets, the more tired i become, the less shit goes through my head, and the more i start thinking clearly....always, i always end up thinking much clearer.

So unlike the other 99% of the nights where i am up and thinking clearly i will actually put my thoughts to the proverbial paper or in this case screen.

My life has been good....to an extent, yes there are those that had it better...in fact alot of them. But I have always had what I needed except for three things

1) A clear path as to what i should be doing with my life workwise

2) Friends

3) Love

Out of the three which do you think is most important?







Well ill tell you the answer its love. God loves me, my parents....well i guess they love me in their own way, my grandparents and family love me. But only God knows the REAL me, my family loves a me that does not exist, the me they wanted, the me they think i am....Man how wrong they are, they are like blind men trying to describe the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. In any case I digress

Now the fact that i have had little to no friends, and that, in fact, my best friend is an antisocial, genocidal, sociopathic, depressed recluse with violent tendencies basically give me VERY limited social abilities.

In all honesty, ive been developing my social skills from scratch over the last 5 years, and frankly, i think im doing a piss poor job at it. First off my basic need for love bleeds through so i end up befriending girls not guys. Secondly, I apparently share more in common with the people on SG that i do with the entire country of Guatemala which i now reside in. Thirdly, when you have a Face book with 500+ names and only about 10% of them know who the fuck you are, a cellphone with over 80 numbers of people that you have met but never speak to, and the sad reality that NO ONE calls YOU, YOU have to call THEM. Well, I have to conclude I am doing a piss poor job.

I mean honestly, what am i supposed to do? This is not a rhetorical question. I honestly dont know how to have friends. Do I call them up? Should they call me? How many times a month should I speak with them? How many times should i go out with them? What the fuck do I talk about with them? I dont read the news (its all negative anyways), I dont follow any sports (except World Cup, Go Italy), I dont have a social life, ergo social gossip is lost on me, besides the fact i hate it, there are no clubs worth belonging too in Guatemala, my life is basically wake up, go to work, eat breakfast at work, work, eat lunch at work, work (by work I mean sit at my desk do nothing 99% of the day and get paid VERY well for it((no i am not happy about this, i have been fired once, i dont care to have that happen again, I want to be useful, I want to feel useful, and I want my bosses to see me as useful and for me to know about it))), go to the gym, eat dinner, get online, go to sleep, repeat from Monday to Thursday, then Friday and the weekend I go out to clubs were people dont dance, strangers NEVER talk to each other unless introduced, and then go home having wasted time and money on a fruitless exercise. And if I go out with "friends" its is because I called THEM and we got together there. And I dont meet anyone with them, i just hang with them, the music is too loud to hear them speak, so I just stand there, nod and smile. I really am getting tired of this shit.

So that brings me to dating. If i cant even have friends, well getting a girlfriend will and has presented difficulties. First off I dont have a clue what I am doing. There are girls that I find hot, then get to know them and find them dull or pretentious. Then girls I find kewl, but find that arent attractive to me. Finally girls that are both kewl and hot and consider me only a friend. Finally, I am adding a new category, girls that apparently are kewl and hot but that i feel no attraction to....fucking shit this is a new low. A guy walking in a fucking desert finds a fucking cooler filled with Gatorade and finds he doesnt like it, he leaves it, and keeps walking.... are you fucking kidding me? Ok, ok , I have no proof she likes me. At least so far she has been polite, courteous, and attentive which is more than i can say for 99.999% of the women I have met in my life. She answers text messages and phone calls, calls me to tell me if she will be late, and to let me know if I want to get together with her and her friends. And I dont like her? fucking shit

Frankly I am calling it people, I have done it before, i have said it as well, but frankly this time I am oficially and publically calling it. This is it, I give up, fuck the country, there is NO WAY IN HELL I will ever find the love of my week, month, year, let alone life in Guatemala, it is just NOT going to happen. IF a girl get on a plane and flies here then MAYBE, just MAYBE it will be possible, but locals are a LOST cause.

So enough negativity, on a positive note there is a girl on here that I like (Hey ill leave you to figure it out) Suffice to say I think she is cute, funny, and nice. So that is a GREAT improvement on what I have managed to find in Guatemala. If she does come here... well we will see what happens. Frankly like i said, im calling it, and just giving up. Fuck it, fuck them, fuck it all. If i like you then no worries, otherwise I am indifferent to you, well no worries, but if i loath, despise, or am irate with you, well go fuck yourself with a shotgun and do the world a favor and pull the trigger while you are at it.

Yea I can talk to anyone and solve their problems, give great advice, but I cant help my reflection. I have no clue what I am doing, and I cant seem to care. I care just enough to annoy myself, not enough to be worried. But we will see what happens, i think at the end of the day. If i moved, the problem could get resolved in less than a week.

So Im sitting here feeling like i have something to say, yet i have no idea what to write.

Yesterday I went out to dinner with a girl that was breaking up with her boyfreind, i will be honest I used to have the hots for her. Now its not so much the hots as attraction and a high opinion of her, as well as she really is kewl. So at the end of the night, i kiss her, and i have no idea if she liked it, or if she didnt.

The end result is that in any case, she wants to fly solo, I can understand that, she deserves that. I also know i have no right to ask for anything from her. Yet i still want to ask.

Maybe I have been alone for too long, or maybe like a guy drowning in an ocean of people that i feel no physical and/or emotional chemistry with I have gone and found myself a log that is floating in it with me. A log of a girl that is kick ass, sexy, and fun and i find myself wanting to explore that, I guess its human.

Man that is a term that I wouldnt have used to describe myself, at least not for a long while. I have been superhuman or subhuman for so long.

Yet this is probably frightening to anyone other than me, feeling this intensely, this fast. Its not that I am in love, I am not in lust either. I am just plain enthused, and enthused is a BIG improvement for me. Now I know what your saying, "Wow, he is ENTHUSED, big whoop. Let me describe my enthused. Thousands of ideas, plans, and fantasies flying through my head, a fire hotter than a fucking sun in my chest, and that strange excitement that makes the hairs on your arms and back tingle as if electricity is running through you. Yet on the outside i sit with a poker face, i keep a calm, composed, and cool demeanor. I am ice, a fire burning inside ice.

I have been existing for so long, and now i actually, feel alive and more dead than ever. Alive with excitement, and dead with the fact that my reality is that of a man alone. And yet i know that if i want anything with this girl then I am going to have to play the friend card like crazy till she comes around and feels like dating again. And even then, there is the chance that we wont work out together, or she wont want to go out with me. Oh well, such if life, i guess a kewl freind is better than nothing, but man this is annoying, having to be me, the guy that can control his bloody impulses and yet has fucking insane and intense impulses. Some would even call me masochistic with the level of pain i endure just holding back.

Love at first sight, and interesting concept. I dont believe in love at first sight, love is too complex an emotion to ever capture in a moment, you need to build to love, some of you that have asked me for advice have heard of my pyramid theory, let me restate it.

Sacrifice (True love)
Love (caring)--- Communication
Trust----------------------------Respect
You need to build on theses one level at a time, so you can build the next on a sturdy surface.



But there are two other forces.

1) Lust at first sight: Self explanatory, you see someone and you want to screw their brains out or just make out with them, or maybe you just think they are pretty or hot.

But there is another, less well known phenomenon

2) (unnamable).... There is no name for it, some call it chemistry, some call it instinct, some call it animal attraction. But basically there are times when something just clicks. You see a person and it goes beyond just physical attraction, there is an inherent respect and admiration. You seem to understand the persons nature just with one look and that nature pulls you in. It could be a look or a smile, but something makes your insides boil and you HAVE to know that person.

Pictures can speak a thousand words, put enough of em together and you can make a very nice story. I saw a very interesting story, im still following it to see how it ends.

Ah SG land, welcome to another post that no one will read lol ;P

Im your host, the tragic comedian known as Eddie, Rewop, Eduardo, or just plain E.

So theres this girl, and theres this guy. Now guy doesnt have a clue what he is doing, in fact he is certifiably nuts, but alas he thinks girl is cute, smart, and funny...and above all interesting. So guy is doing something smart for the first time EVER and that is pacing his bloody self

I keep telling him that you need to take it easy, become their friend, and then see how you feel when you get to know em better. But alas my friend here has been single for WAY too long and has no idea what to do with a woman. Let alone how to figure if he likes em beyond the ¨"Uh she is purty"

So that is on my mind ;P peace

Lol well I find myself sick with a REALLY bad cold, I should be heavily medicated, but alas I am putting on a brave front an weathering the storm. You know I mentioned in my last post (it was in spanish) that people dont really read my blog so I might as well use it as a journal, well for once I guess ill just post something in English and be honest, honest with me and all those that care enough to read through this blog whose length I have no clue as to....(was that grammatically correct? I believe so...so let us move on )

So I find myself pondering the dichotomy that is desire vs. the need for human companionship, or in simple terms, lust vs. love. I have never been in love before, I have been in love with the idea of love, and I have dreamed about true love, written poems about it etc. etc. (I know corny, but alas I have the heart of a poet and a romantic)

Those of you who know me have come to hear me complain on more than one occasion that I dont feel like i fit in with the people in this country, or humanity in general. I am wierd and proud of it lol, normal is boring. Still it sucks to be lonely. Another thought that I have been facing is destiny, how much does a higher power influence your life and how much is it your own making. I am 26 about to turn 27, I have had very little experience with girls, in all honesty only one girlfriend to speak of and it hasnt been for lack of trying. So i am left with the question, is it because I am in the wrong environment to meet girls that I like and that will like me back, it is because I suck at interacting with girls, or is it just because I am fated not to meet anyone till later on in life. Each has a valid weight to them. Yes, Guatemala is a terrible environment to meet girls, 90% of the population is unattractive to me. They are native Guatemalans, they are a humble people who have their charm but their charm is lost on me. If any of you have ever run into that problem for example a Japanese not finding a white person attractive, well that is what it is, it isnt racism, its just i dont find them attractive. Anyways that leaves me with 10%, now here is an interesting thought, think about the people you know that fit under the title of the hottest 10% of the group. For example high school, think of the hottest 10% of the class. They KNEW they were the hottest so how did they behave? Honestly, more than likely, like they behave here, pretentious, stuck up, and messed up. Now for me, i like suicide girls, and i dont mean just those girls that are on here and have turned pink, I am talking about every girl that is different, and that chooses to be TRUE to herself and be who she is, regardless of what other people say. I dont like normals, i dont like carbon copies, i dont like wannabes, I like girls that are suicidegirls, and you dont find that type of girl easy in Guatemala and not in that 10% most definetly. The second point is that I suck at interacting with girls, well I will be honest I havent had that much experience, but what little I have had has left me with mixed results, so I can conclude if i have a problem meeting them or not, most of my social skill tho are underdeveloped (what do you expect when your fucking grade is only 38 people big and seem like the cast of 90210 and your the only dark bastard in the group, the closest thing after me would be geeks that played Magic the Gathering on the recesses, and those were actually a grade above me, so in general just imagine yourselves stuck with the cast of 90210 as your classmates, and all of them are either victims or assholes, blips or bastards that would berate and insult EVERYONE teachers, friends, and enemies alike...hey at least they were equal about it and didnt discriminate lol. So no social life there, and college, well....college was one giant rush to have fun in 4 years, you have friends, but your so spread out with stuff that you can barely call that a social life in the true sense of the word, people hang out with you and you party, doesnt really require much effort to make freinds lol. So now the final option being that fate, God, or whatever force you believe in is influencing my life....well its possible, anything is possible. If youve seen the new James Bond movie Quantum Solace then I can put it to you this way, what if you were stuck in the desert, and you were dying of thirst, and you found yourself a can of motor oil, would you drink it? what about if it was just piss? or if it were a sweet tasting poison? How far can you force yourself to settle or see something that isnt there only to realize too late your compromising, or you made a mistake? Food for thought, what if I meet a girl that is just nice enough, and cute enough, that I unconsciously say, "your not going to find any better", that is a truly frightening thought. I dont want to settle, I want fucking wow, this is it, I found her, this girl blows my fucking mind and I blow hers. I want the day I choose to marry a girl to be one where i do so without doubt or hesitation.

Anyways that said i come back to my previous point, lust vs. love. How bout just satisfying my need for companionship and my physical needs so to speak with any girl?

Well my friends, Friday, was an illuminating day. I went out with a girl 15 years older than me, with two kids, but who looked half her age...I mean REALLY looked half her age, not surgically. The woman hit the genetic jackpot BUT I KNOW there can never be anything formal between us. What I want from a girl and from life, she cant provide me. But she was hot, and she was available. So I go out with her...as friends...we go to a bar, smoke a hookah, she has a few drinks, we talk about taking chances and relationships and we end up making out...I mean really making out...like making a fucking scene in this restaurant in a touristy area. But you know screw the crowd, it was fun. Still as i was making out with her applying everything i have ever learned, from kisses that are sweet and innocent that show caring and love, to kisses that could be considered pornographic or animalistic, to biting and doing other stuff to each others necks and shoulders. The thought that this was going nowhere, and that it shouldnt be happening just kept bugging my head. It has been so long, that I ignore the voice and we continue. Ill save you the details, but we end up in my car, things escalate, we drive to her place, things escalate, and as finally, after 5 years of not having sex, two of which happened with my only girlfriend who was a 21-22 year old virgin, whose right to choice I not only respected but damn well enforced because I wanted it to be HER choice. I am offered the oportunity to have meaningless, hot sex with a hot older woman....and....I just could not do it. Physically I was up for it, mentally I already had about a good 5 or 6 hours of REALLY interesting things in mind (believe it or not, whatever. I know Tantra, I have read those pervy Kamasutras and the real one, AND im creative so I had plenty of ideas), the drive was there, but my conscience just would not let me go through with it. I cannot use a person, I have learned that I cannot make out or have sex with a person just for the shits and giggles of it. I need to feel something for the girl, it may be gay, it may be weird, but whatever its who I am. Call it me wanting to avoid bad karma, me having a big conscience, me being naive, but whatever. I just cant be an asshole, I cant be like the other 97% of men that get lead around by their dicks and/or treat women like things. I just cant, after this weekend I have come to a realization, infinitely simple, but very fucking serious.

I cannot be involved with someone that I cant see a future with.

So that is the end of this rather depressing blog, if there is anyone who finds me pathetic, insane, or otherwise, well that is your choice. I like that I can wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror. In any case thank you for reading all of this, I hope I didnt depress or anything lol. I shall now return to my cheery, insane self, to those of you who can accept it, even if you dont agree with it, thank you, and now you know a little bit more about the guy who you have been talking to till now.

Bueno nadie lee mi blog tonces bien puedo usuarlo como un diario.

Este fin de semana se me planteo la opcion de irme a la playa, honestamente, prefiero pegarme un tiro. No es porque no me guste la playa, sino porque no me gusta la playa de Guatemala. Soy un animal nocturno, bien podrias decir que soy vampiro. Los vampiros y el clima humedo y calido no van.

Total hay una SG que me tiene pensando, no voy a decir quien es pero creo que ella lo puede adivinar. Es bonita y ademas tiene fondo, bueno todas las SG son asi pero esta...pues me gusta. La mierda es que nunca voy a conocer a una chava asi aqui. Voy a tener que esperar a que algun dia yo vaya para aya o por algun milagro una de ellas venga para aca.

Total le escrito up par de mensajes y pues como que todavia no los ha leido, me pregunto si en verdad le importa leerlos.

Bueno este fin de me quede en la ciudad como les estaba contando a todos ustedes que no estan leyendo para nada. Fui por primera vez en serio al centro de la ciudad, y total dos resultados, uno realize que no es tan peligroso, y dos que simplemente no era todo lo que yo esperaba....para variar. Honestamente Platon tenia razon cuando dijo que una idea nunca sera como la realidad, ni cerca. Solo le ruego a Dios que un sueño sea mejor que la idea, y que ese sea mi verdadero amor, y ojala lo encuentre pronto.