look whos back.

i wanted something that reminds me of a better time. the relationship thats meant the most to me for the past 3 years died today and ive been crying for hours.
shortly after i started university 3 years ago i met a girl named noa. i was about to ask her out then but i found out she had a boyfriend so i backed off and settled for being a distant friend. a year later (last november) they broke up, and the next semester we had chemistry together and became better friends. the class was often cancelled and i still remember the path we walked along once when we spent the first extended period of time together, only an hour. i asked her out last febuary but she shot me down, saying she wanted some solo time after getting out of the 2 year relationship she just had (this excuse was a lie (1)(refer to this later)**). we became decent friends over the semester and hung out a few times over the summer when we both went back to toronto. when this semester started, we had 3 classes together, and shes a TA in a lab im taking. for almost all of september she had been almost completely avoiding me, and at the end of the month i approached her about it. she initially said she had just been busy and hadnt noticed, but the next day she caught up to me and told me that over the summer i had somehow been suffacating her, so she had been trying to create distance between us. she also said she wasnt impressed with me not mentioning anything sooner, and just letting things build up (i was somewhat angry when i asked why she had been ignoring me). she said that if i ever have anything on my mind i should just approach her about it immediately. That night i emailed her, telling her that by avoiding me she had convinced me that she wanted to end our friendship, and i had been leaving her alone because i didnt want to annoy her thinking that that was why she had been avoiding me (that i annoy her). i said that it really bothered me because i was still interested in...

look whos back.

i wanted something that reminds me of a better time. the relationship thats meant the most to me for the past 3 years died today and ive been crying for hours.
shortly after i started university 3 years ago i met a girl named noa. i was about to ask her out then but i found out she had a boyfriend so i backed off and settled for being a distant friend. a year later (last november) they broke up, and the next semester we had chemistry together and became better friends. the class was often cancelled and i still remember the path we walked along once when we spent the first extended period of time together, only an hour. i asked her out last febuary but she shot me down, saying she wanted some solo time after getting out of the 2 year relationship she just had (this excuse was a lie (1)(refer to this later)**). we became decent friends over the semester and hung out a few times over the summer when we both went back to toronto. when this semester started, we had 3 classes together, and shes a TA in a lab im taking. for almost all of september she had been almost completely avoiding me, and at the end of the month i approached her about it. she initially said she had just been busy and hadnt noticed, but the next day she caught up to me and told me that over the summer i had somehow been suffacating her, so she had been trying to create distance between us. she also said she wasnt impressed with me not mentioning anything sooner, and just letting things build up (i was somewhat angry when i asked why she had been ignoring me). she said that if i ever have anything on my mind i should just approach her about it immediately. That night i emailed her, telling her that by avoiding me she had convinced me that she wanted to end our friendship, and i had been leaving her alone because i didnt want to annoy her thinking that that was why she had been avoiding me (that i annoy her). i said that it really bothered me because i was still interested in her and id appreciate any form of contact after any of our classes sometimes to know i was wrong. nothing changed in october really, but i had still been able to talk to her if i caught up to her after class. last tuesday we were talking in the library and she mentioned something of a significant other. I talked to her again yesterday and said i wasnt aware that she had been seeing anyone, and she said that it had been going on for almost a year, even before i had asked her out and she rejected me saying she wanted alone time (go back to (1) above). when i approached her at first saying i wanted to talk to her, i was about to ask her about this, but cut myself off. she reminded me that whenever i have something on my mind, to come out with it, so i did. Today i told her there was more i wanted to know (how i had been suffocating her over the summer and why she didnt tell me the truth when i asked her out) but i reminded her that i hated how she never acknowledges me after class. She said i shouldnt care that she never talks to me, that nothing will happen between us, she thinks its creepy of me to wait around for her after class when shes talking to the prof so i can talk to her which i had just done (when she tells me to bring stuff up with her if somethings on my mind), and that this semester shes cut all but a few people she holds close out of her life and wants to spend all her time with those few people, at work, and studying and seemed to be getting really annoyed and rude. i was in the middle of saying that i dont intend to come between her and her boyfriend and that im content with just talking to her sometimes, and its obvious why i care that she ignores me when someone else she knew came up and started talking to us. twice the conversation fell silent and she struck up a new one with that guy and was only talking to him. i was sticking around so i could finish what i was saying once the guy left, but she wouldnt let him. he suggested we go look for the book noa was after and thats when i finally left her alone.
this has taken at least 40 minutes to write and im still crying. im sure we're done and now i just hope she can remember me positively. the worst part is knowing that if she had been honest with me and what behaviors of mine annoy her things would have been different.

http://suicidegirls.com/members/pharcyde/1557730/
paragraph 3 describes when we had chemistry together last year

http://suicidegirls.com/members/pharcyde/1561127/
when i asked her out

point 6, way back when i thought there was only one way to spell her name
http://suicidegirls.com/members/pharcyde/1109582/

not long after we met
http://suicidegirls.com/members/pharcyde/1104473/

point 2. she used to skip a whole lot when i first met her
http://suicidegirls.com/members/pharcyde/1096265/

where it all started
http://suicidegirls.com/members/pharcyde/1078736/