zomg i'm alive

i miss you cupcake

I might be coming back soon.

or i might just be drunk.

who knows.

"I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----"

This summer heralds the ten year anniversary of many heavy events. After all, ten years ago today i turned 18, a significant year. I find that I am ill-equipped to deal with this situation.

Despite the original intention of the poem i've quoted, which has haunted my brains nonstop this year, that one is not the event I am here to speak of today. Not the piece of history that repeated itself at such a meaningful time.

A month ago today (o hai univerz, thnx 4 erly bday prezzy) I wound up in the hospital with my third bleeding ulcer, naturally bigger and nastier than ever. It was so large, in such a bad place, so much blood lost, etc etc that I will be somewhat fucked-over by it for the rest of my life.
I can never again take my celebrex, or even vioxx should it ever come back. No advil or motrin or aspirin. No nsaids. Nothing.

Also, this bitch is going to take forever to heal. I just NOW can start having small amounts of caffeine and weak tea but still no soda and months until i can have alcohol. And yes, I can feel the sadness in my stomach if I have straight tea. Tannin and caffeine are both harsh on it. In september I need to go back for another entrosocopy to make sure there isn't too much scar tissue/damage wich could cause long term problems because of it's placement at the top of my intestines.

At the moment it has just been 'me and tylenol 3' but not only does codeine do little-to-nothing for me anyway but I've been out of it over a week because no one will refill it for me. so really just tylenol. I take tramadol for my Fibro pain but it has never touched my headaches so yeah.

I'm not looking for drugs. I am tired ad out of it all the time as it is, I don't need any help with that. But at the same time wish my doctor would consider giving me something as an option. At the moment all everyone has me doing is waiting for various appointments I have set up with new neurologists to come around but that's another month away. And that pain clinic just wanted to try the lidocaine drip again which did nothing for me so no thnx try again please.

There is more but I am tired and i hurt. I'm miserable and in pain pretty much all of the time. I was supposed to come out of hiding this summer. I haven't answered an email or gone out to a show or anything in almost a year. And now it's been even worse. I'm a little sorry for complaining all the time and not being fun or useful but at the same time, not really because if it's annoying/upsetting to YOU think about how it feels to be on the inside of it.

'now and again it seems worse than it is but mostly the view is accurate'

"For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes."

Hey guys, sorry to anyone who has tried to contact me in the last month.

I had my nigh-annual computer implosion, which rendered me internet-less for a couple of weeks, and then had trouble setting up my new machine, followed by a miasma of illness, work zaniness, dental issues, and much financial stress. Actually every single one of those issues is still in effect.

Anyway I'll be catching up hopefully on everything this week including my Group management and i do apologise but damn it's not been fun to be me so i can only apologise so much.

s-s-s--sssorry. I forgot the downward sucking pull of this time of year. Death and holidays. No hope. Will not be clawing way back to surface until said surface thaws out. Death and holidays. No mouse for miles. That is a guarantee.

tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
"who put these bodies between us?"

pst psst.

I have been away working very hard and very dilligently on becoming so introverted that i [disappear completely]. As i approach the (event) horizon i realise instead of disappearing i am going to turn >inside out<.

stay tuned cats and kittens. who knows what will pop up?

perhaps a better version of me?

So remember how an update was pending because things were supposed to be changing? Yeah, they didn't. If anything, it was more of a "the more things change the more they stay the same" situation and fuck THAT noise.
So i've been busy being screwed over by that kind of stuff and thus, there was no update.

The reason why there has been no quickie updates or messages from me involving incriminating pictures from my birthday extravanganza is because of a drought of cameras. My stoopid roommate sold his stoopid digital camera to his stoopid sister when he visited her in stoopid L.A. last month. But I've located a working camera and just need to wait for the opportunity for someone to help me document my new prettiness.

I do want to say thank you to everyone involved in making this year's birthday one of the best i've had in a long time. The wonder of it all is that it was so happy DESPITE the fact that all the Usual Suspects and people that i depend on were predictably mostly absent and did nothing and have done nothing. It was a good kick in the rump for the whole "stop depending on these jerks and go out there and get yourself your own life" train.

p.s. Yes, my hair has gotten really long, and yes i've gotten fat again so no, i don't look like any of those old pictures of me anymore and that's why i keep deleting them and replacing them with cartoons of mice and that's also why you won't recognise me if you bump into me...

I'm WAY behind on life right now, but things might be changing. Hold on.

"Summer in the city, I’m so lonely lonely lonely
I’ve been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there’s no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don’t get me wrong, dear, in general I’m doing quite fine
It’s just when it’s summer in the city, and you’re so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes"

I don't like to talk about my life anymore because it's either boring.. or full of complaints.

And i made teh interwub tired of my complaints back in '01.

Also, shortly after that*, i lost the ability to communicate and it's grown worse over the following years.


Emails, journals, replies, posts... anything. It all becomes too exhaustive for me to do. I find myself planning out these responses or posts in my head.. if i'm driving or at work or any time my mind wanders... You'd be surprised the things that are composed inside there and forever lost... but if i set down to do it, everything in my mind becomes like tar.. I can no longer think of words and i find myself suddenly disgusted by the prospect.

And that, in short, is why i am the best and biggest lurker the interwub has ever met.

P.S. bet you didn't know i've been ridiculously happy at work (aside from the physical pain, and the soul-sucking customers) for a very long time now, huh? Don't worry, i'm not anymore. I'm a very very disgruntled rodent again.

*note: While i've noticed and have mentioned this "Can't communicate verbally or typing anymore, and when i do it is so exhausting..." problem quite a very long time ago; i've only recently began to forumlate ideas on when and how this all happened. Naturally, i am completely and utterly incapable of expressing these conceptual realisations in words... not even in my own mind.