I've been riding an emotional roller-coaster. I don't know what this is, I don't know why it's setting in, but I know I'll be fine. Normal things I can fend off-personal insecurities that I can normally laugh off and roll my eyes to I can now feel just irk me below my skin. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at once.

No, I'm not that typical woman asking for someone to say otherwise-a complement whore. I know I'm beautiful and smart and funny and pretty cool. And I'm the luckiest person to know so many people who love me and to love them back so much more.

I just want to know it again.

I want to sleep without something spiraling out of control in my mind.

There's really nothing I can't undo. I'm just not spending enough time on the things I need to do. I'm not focused on my talents...

I've been thinking of buying my own place. I don't want to get more than what I can afford, but the idea of buying rather than renting seems scary. I can't move out on a whim like I would when my lease goes up. I have to maintain a bit more than I would in an apartment. I also have to think of stupid things like resale value and insurance and all that crap. Oh and taxes. I'm amazed on what I still don't fully understand with all these grown-up ideas, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that people really complicate themselves with arrogant ideals of wealth and status. People can't just buy something and love it and settle into something they can be proud of. People need to think of a home as just another thing as status and title. No one learned anything from this 'economic collapse.' No one will.
I'm so glad that, with the exception of my father, my family raised me with the idea that entitlement is only what you can achieve honestly. Honestly as in, I didn't have to cheat, lie or steal to get what I need.
My father called me on May 1st to tell me about his recent vacation on a cruise in the Caribbean. I knew his vacation was funded by his father's hard working earnings and savings. I am using my money to buy a home or to save until I have money to do so. My father is using it on vacations. And in that phone conversation as he bragged about his trip-he did not ask me how I was. He also forgot my birthday once again.
“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.” Mark Twain

http://youtu.be/w3eTsNEgmL8

Finally I find myself out of debt. No longer sinking and finally have enough to live on instead of get by. I thought it would be a bit more liberating, but what's next?

I'm drawing again. Intricate details that I somehow enjoy, even with a mild essential tremor. It's my bubbles again, but I love the details and patterns in nature and I had to find something to entice me back. Down with the crochet hooks and knitting needles for now.
I lost 10 pounds too! It helped with food poisoning (stupid Panera) but I'm trying to get my weight back to where I felt better. It's not so much completely physical, but it has a lot to do with how I've been feeling lately. And yes, physical too. I don't like seeing me look bloated in my brother's wedding photo or being asked if I was pregnant. Sadly, I didn't weigh that much and wasn't nearly over the overweight mark.
And I can't believe I'm going to my 10 year reunion. A few friends talked me into it. Several are pretty successful, but the joke still remains to "crash" it Romy and Michele style. I think, if anything, making an ass out of ourselves for shits and giggles sounds pretty damn fun to me. Maybe I'll say I invented the stretchy wall mounting tape from 3M. You know-the kind when you stretch it, it releases without tearing off paint or ruining your poster? Yes. I invented that.

I almost forgot how to write a new blog. It's been so long.

Every week day is the same cycle. Weekends are busier with the warmer weather. My bank account gets smaller.

I am healthy with a brief moment of sickness. One that for only a few seconds by a nurse's misinformation, I actually thought I was going to die. I, of course, told my bf to take care of the parakeet. That was my only thought. I guess I knew I was going to be ok.

I feel so uninspired lately. I think it's been too busy to create. I am getting better at making excuses for myself.

Seriously

WTF

Where was I

Oh yeah kinda busy

Making crochet stuff for my Etsy

One day I hope to sell stuff

But now I'm having fun

Prov works late again

I miss him

Our parakeet is insane and only likes dark music. For example, Ministry and "Join in the Chant." But he also likes "Mr Blue Sky" by ELO.

He also only likes horror slasher movies or action/fight movies. Especially Van Damme.



My brother is now engaged to his now fiancé. Days before they had to put their dog down, also the family dog with my grandpa. Bittersweet holiday for them.

Back to crochet.

Walmart

This is amazing.

Normally I don't get too political on blogs. This is just amazing enough to post.

Walmart doesn't want to lose workers and is concerned about job loss? Really? If they were, perhaps they wouldn't use tactics by driving out local businesses (mega job loss and economic loss), using completely unfair labor practices and ruining small town dynamics. So Walmart has a heart?

Laughable, as everyone knows.

Now they're blaming Obama? He didn't even do anything. In fact, he'll probably be like any other politician and say more than can ever be done. Walmart has their own issue. They dug their own hole. Perhaps the millions of dollars used to fight unionization and backhandedly threatening their employees in this election year can actually be used to give people a living wage. Welfare pays better.