hmmm,
after the initial 'high' of knowing i was a single, i am now in a bit of something that feels akin to grieving.....
it seems i am okay with the fact we are no longer together, though i get occasional twinges like wondering what she is doing and with whom, but it seems that i am more lonely than anything, i am sad for the future we lost....we had the venue for our ceremony picked, papers were signed, and i still had some of the emails she sent where she said she'd wait for me etc etc
i find that many of the little things like noticing the time we would talk on the clock and nothing happening, or one of our two favouriite songs playing on the radio and remembering the good times we had....these are the things that seem to set me off
i also think that i wouldn't have had as much of a problem with what has happened if had been in the US when this happened and i had access to my support network of friends and family, and maybe in point of fact the issue may not have arisen at all if i could have been close to her physically, or maybe if i hadn't so many issues with my first attempt at getting sorted out professionally and i had moved last year and not this year.....but this is all pointless conjecture, and thus not worth engaging in as it will only do my head in, and not solve anything.....
in all, i am doing the best thing for me which is to get fully qualified here in the UK as this is a pre-requisite for doing the same in the US......but i would like to just have a lady to care about.....i think in finality it is best to have no one instead of the wrong one.....but RIGHT now, i am not sure if that feels all that comforting.....i would rather have a bit of ass and a bottle of single malt.....but that would only lead to disaster, haha
to keep myself somewhat sane, i have been hitting the gym HARD and making good progress, and i am doing really well at work, along with gambling some playing poker....and enjoying it, but it all...
hmmm,
after the initial 'high' of knowing i was a single, i am now in a bit of something that feels akin to grieving.....
it seems i am okay with the fact we are no longer together, though i get occasional twinges like wondering what she is doing and with whom, but it seems that i am more lonely than anything, i am sad for the future we lost....we had the venue for our ceremony picked, papers were signed, and i still had some of the emails she sent where she said she'd wait for me etc etc
i find that many of the little things like noticing the time we would talk on the clock and nothing happening, or one of our two favouriite songs playing on the radio and remembering the good times we had....these are the things that seem to set me off
i also think that i wouldn't have had as much of a problem with what has happened if had been in the US when this happened and i had access to my support network of friends and family, and maybe in point of fact the issue may not have arisen at all if i could have been close to her physically, or maybe if i hadn't so many issues with my first attempt at getting sorted out professionally and i had moved last year and not this year.....but this is all pointless conjecture, and thus not worth engaging in as it will only do my head in, and not solve anything.....
in all, i am doing the best thing for me which is to get fully qualified here in the UK as this is a pre-requisite for doing the same in the US......but i would like to just have a lady to care about.....i think in finality it is best to have no one instead of the wrong one.....but RIGHT now, i am not sure if that feels all that comforting.....i would rather have a bit of ass and a bottle of single malt.....but that would only lead to disaster, haha
to keep myself somewhat sane, i have been hitting the gym HARD and making good progress, and i am doing really well at work, along with gambling some playing poker....and enjoying it, but it all feels hollow to some degree as i have no one to share it with, and that sucks ass....though i am writing some and doing some guided meditation and that is helping a bit....though i am truly of the opinion that the only thing that will help is to put some distance between me and the events that have caused me to suffer like this........the distance being a combination of time and maybe a few more female companions, along with the support of friends and family and doing my best to get where i wanna go in my profession when i get to the US
day by day i seem to be getting a little better and that is encouraging, and in the end it is a learning experience.....but fuck it is hard......i have to say that it will make any future relationships better but for now i am in present and not enjoying it terribly.....
i guess the origin of a lot of it, is that i have moved beyond that stage of many relationships/hook ups.....been there and done that and then some, i really want to have a relationship that means something and builds upon itself and go from there
hmmm, plenty of food for thought, or too much perhaps? whatever the end result, i will end up better for it and with a better understanding of the dynamics of relationships......this can only be a good thing i think
take care SG land
L82
after the initial 'high' of knowing i was a single, i am now in a bit of something that feels akin to grieving.....
it seems i am okay with the fact we are no longer together, though i get occasional twinges like wondering what she is doing and with whom, but it seems that i am more lonely than anything, i am sad for the future we lost....we had the venue for our ceremony picked, papers were signed, and i still had some of the emails she sent where she said she'd wait for me etc etc
i find that many of the little things like noticing the time we would talk on the clock and nothing happening, or one of our two favouriite songs playing on the radio and remembering the good times we had....these are the things that seem to set me off
i also think that i wouldn't have had as much of a problem with what has happened if had been in the US when this happened and i had access to my support network of friends and family, and maybe in point of fact the issue may not have arisen at all if i could have been close to her physically, or maybe if i hadn't so many issues with my first attempt at getting sorted out professionally and i had moved last year and not this year.....but this is all pointless conjecture, and thus not worth engaging in as it will only do my head in, and not solve anything.....
in all, i am doing the best thing for me which is to get fully qualified here in the UK as this is a pre-requisite for doing the same in the US......but i would like to just have a lady to care about.....i think in finality it is best to have no one instead of the wrong one.....but RIGHT now, i am not sure if that feels all that comforting.....i would rather have a bit of ass and a bottle of single malt.....but that would only lead to disaster, haha
to keep myself somewhat sane, i have been hitting the gym HARD and making good progress, and i am doing really well at work, along with gambling some playing poker....and enjoying it, but it all...