hmmm,
after the initial 'high' of knowing i was a single, i am now in a bit of something that feels akin to grieving.....
it seems i am okay with the fact we are no longer together, though i get occasional twinges like wondering what she is doing and with whom, but it seems that i am more lonely than anything, i am sad for the future we lost....we had the venue for our ceremony picked, papers were signed, and i still had some of the emails she sent where she said she'd wait for me etc etc
i find that many of the little things like noticing the time we would talk on the clock and nothing happening, or one of our two favouriite songs playing on the radio and remembering the good times we had....these are the things that seem to set me off
i also think that i wouldn't have had as much of a problem with what has happened if had been in the US when this happened and i had access to my support network of friends and family, and maybe in point of fact the issue may not have arisen at all if i could have been close to her physically, or maybe if i hadn't so many issues with my first attempt at getting sorted out professionally and i had moved last year and not this year.....but this is all pointless conjecture, and thus not worth engaging in as it will only do my head in, and not solve anything.....
in all, i am doing the best thing for me which is to get fully qualified here in the UK as this is a pre-requisite for doing the same in the US......but i would like to just have a lady to care about.....i think in finality it is best to have no one instead of the wrong one.....but RIGHT now, i am not sure if that feels all that comforting.....i would rather have a bit of ass and a bottle of single malt.....but that would only lead to disaster, haha
to keep myself somewhat sane, i have been hitting the gym HARD and making good progress, and i am doing really well at work, along with gambling some playing poker....and enjoying it, but it all feels hollow to some degree as i have no one to share it with, and that sucks ass....though i am writing some and doing some guided meditation and that is helping a bit....though i am truly of the opinion that the only thing that will help is to put some distance between me and the events that have caused me to suffer like this........the distance being a combination of time and maybe a few more female companions, along with the support of friends and family and doing my best to get where i wanna go in my profession when i get to the US
day by day i seem to be getting a little better and that is encouraging, and in the end it is a learning experience.....but fuck it is hard......i have to say that it will make any future relationships better but for now i am in present and not enjoying it terribly.....
i guess the origin of a lot of it, is that i have moved beyond that stage of many relationships/hook ups.....been there and done that and then some, i really want to have a relationship that means something and builds upon itself and go from there
hmmm, plenty of food for thought, or too much perhaps? whatever the end result, i will end up better for it and with a better understanding of the dynamics of relationships......this can only be a good thing i think
take care SG land
L82
after the initial 'high' of knowing i was a single, i am now in a bit of something that feels akin to grieving.....
it seems i am okay with the fact we are no longer together, though i get occasional twinges like wondering what she is doing and with whom, but it seems that i am more lonely than anything, i am sad for the future we lost....we had the venue for our ceremony picked, papers were signed, and i still had some of the emails she sent where she said she'd wait for me etc etc
i find that many of the little things like noticing the time we would talk on the clock and nothing happening, or one of our two favouriite songs playing on the radio and remembering the good times we had....these are the things that seem to set me off
i also think that i wouldn't have had as much of a problem with what has happened if had been in the US when this happened and i had access to my support network of friends and family, and maybe in point of fact the issue may not have arisen at all if i could have been close to her physically, or maybe if i hadn't so many issues with my first attempt at getting sorted out professionally and i had moved last year and not this year.....but this is all pointless conjecture, and thus not worth engaging in as it will only do my head in, and not solve anything.....
in all, i am doing the best thing for me which is to get fully qualified here in the UK as this is a pre-requisite for doing the same in the US......but i would like to just have a lady to care about.....i think in finality it is best to have no one instead of the wrong one.....but RIGHT now, i am not sure if that feels all that comforting.....i would rather have a bit of ass and a bottle of single malt.....but that would only lead to disaster, haha
to keep myself somewhat sane, i have been hitting the gym HARD and making good progress, and i am doing really well at work, along with gambling some playing poker....and enjoying it, but it all feels hollow to some degree as i have no one to share it with, and that sucks ass....though i am writing some and doing some guided meditation and that is helping a bit....though i am truly of the opinion that the only thing that will help is to put some distance between me and the events that have caused me to suffer like this........the distance being a combination of time and maybe a few more female companions, along with the support of friends and family and doing my best to get where i wanna go in my profession when i get to the US
day by day i seem to be getting a little better and that is encouraging, and in the end it is a learning experience.....but fuck it is hard......i have to say that it will make any future relationships better but for now i am in present and not enjoying it terribly.....
i guess the origin of a lot of it, is that i have moved beyond that stage of many relationships/hook ups.....been there and done that and then some, i really want to have a relationship that means something and builds upon itself and go from there
hmmm, plenty of food for thought, or too much perhaps? whatever the end result, i will end up better for it and with a better understanding of the dynamics of relationships......this can only be a good thing i think
take care SG land
L82
hey guys,
just wanted to commit some thoughts to 'paper' as it were......
in the cold hard light of day, i think the split with the Missus is for the best, and admitting this is very painful, but ultimately true
i have been compartmentalizing some of the good and bad points about her in order to try and deal with the whole of the situation.....the list is something like this.....will start with the negative/bad points:
-we had little actual common ground in terms of what we liked to do WRT hobbies....i like to lift, do judo, get inked and am into motorcycles...she offered to try some of these things, but only as a peace making exercise, she always much more enthused about going out and doing the bar scene, something i am WAY over.....no issues with going out every now and again, but not really a big deal for me.....if i am gonna go out late...let's find a card game and play for some big bucks
-this may be shallow, but looks wise she was definitely not what i would normally go for....i normally go for heavier built girls with some ink/rocker/alt lasses....more my thing.....not smaller more conservative ladies...nothing wrong with that, but i know that i would likely have my head turned on more than one occasion.....and i have to say, that i have never been the strongest in that regard, i don't need anymore temptation than that
-the fact she lead me on and said she was gonna come to the UK, and then 3-4 days before she was supposed to come she calls me up and says she ain't coming......before Xmas of all times, a time that has always been tough for me for personal reasons.......a reason she knew about as well.....she said to my mother when she went to visit her that felt sorry about doing this, and that she wanted to make things work, but that she needed some space......a not unreasonable thing, but when i had an issue with it she had a one night stand.....that was some bullshit, she tried to gloss over it, but in the end i had to tell some people and she couldn't deal with the fact that some people knew that she was not the little princess and centre of everyone's attention that she liked to be
-there are some other things.....little things that she said and did that kinda seem in retrospect very petty......for instance, she unfriended me on FB, no great deal with that, but she then takes down all of the pics and untags all of the things that she posted that she had had up for a number of years....now that seems kinda petty to me, but maybe she is making a clean break and that is how she rolls????!!!!
some of the things that might have had some influence in her decision are that she is the youngest of 2, and she has had a damned hard time with type I bipolar disorder....now as someone who is involved in the provision of pharmaceutical care to patients with a wide variety of conditions, and i have seen the influence of this type of condition on people and how they act.....and she has always been her parent's special little girl, so maybe a combination of her illness and being spoiled contributed to this........also, she was crushed in one relationship she had whilst in college, and she mentioned in passing how this has affected her....but in all honesty, i don't know how true this might be
another contributory factor was the long distance aspect of the relationship....but going in she knew this would be hard in that regard, but we talked regularly etc and we had planned regular visits one of which i am going on in a few weeks....she was one aspect of the visit, the other being a job interview of sorts and catching up with old buddies and my family i dunno....she was all about coming over and mentioned that she wanted to come and live with me for the remainder of my contract.....
the other thing is that as she lost weight, she was a heavy girl for her height, she was getting more and more attention when she went to the bars, and she more than likely had her head turned...she was not able to deal with being a couple and was likely unfaithful before the incident she told me about......
the good things:
-she forced me to re-evaluate some of who i am as a person......i am now in therapy, and have talked out some of it and i am working on trust and communication issues that have existed since forever....and that is a good thing!!! i am building back some relationships that had slowly been decaying for a while
-the other thing is i now understand why i drank so hard and so heavy for so long, and now i understand that was because i feared being alone and was not happy with who i was, i just didn't want to think or feel.....as that is the case, i am now thinking of breaking my sobriety...not getting fucking hammered, more a case of having a whiskey when i want to kind of thing....i guess the fear of being alone was a contributory factor towards us getting together...i have moved all over the world in the last decade, and have lacked any degree of support network and undergone a few traumatic events in that time.....i guess the old need to satisfy a college urge that i never got out of my system meant that as soon she showed any interest i fell WAY TOO HARD AND WAY TOO FAST.....and liked the feeling of having someone totally devoted to me, or so it seemed
-no more bad sex :-)
-i can get a lady who is a better fit for me
-i know what i want from a relationship...strange as this may sound, it seems as though i have put together a shopping list of requirements and i am not gonna deviate from that!
all in all......i am looking forwards to getting qualified, moving home, getting more ink, and becoming the best person i can be.....and maybe find a lass who is gonna be worthy of my time
sorry for the somewhat incoherent ramble
needed to get that off of my chest
later
PL82
just wanted to commit some thoughts to 'paper' as it were......
in the cold hard light of day, i think the split with the Missus is for the best, and admitting this is very painful, but ultimately true
i have been compartmentalizing some of the good and bad points about her in order to try and deal with the whole of the situation.....the list is something like this.....will start with the negative/bad points:
-we had little actual common ground in terms of what we liked to do WRT hobbies....i like to lift, do judo, get inked and am into motorcycles...she offered to try some of these things, but only as a peace making exercise, she always much more enthused about going out and doing the bar scene, something i am WAY over.....no issues with going out every now and again, but not really a big deal for me.....if i am gonna go out late...let's find a card game and play for some big bucks
-this may be shallow, but looks wise she was definitely not what i would normally go for....i normally go for heavier built girls with some ink/rocker/alt lasses....more my thing.....not smaller more conservative ladies...nothing wrong with that, but i know that i would likely have my head turned on more than one occasion.....and i have to say, that i have never been the strongest in that regard, i don't need anymore temptation than that
-the fact she lead me on and said she was gonna come to the UK, and then 3-4 days before she was supposed to come she calls me up and says she ain't coming......before Xmas of all times, a time that has always been tough for me for personal reasons.......a reason she knew about as well.....she said to my mother when she went to visit her that felt sorry about doing this, and that she wanted to make things work, but that she needed some space......a not unreasonable thing, but when i had an issue with it she had a one night stand.....that was some bullshit, she tried to gloss over it, but in the end i had to tell some people and she couldn't deal with the fact that some people knew that she was not the little princess and centre of everyone's attention that she liked to be
-there are some other things.....little things that she said and did that kinda seem in retrospect very petty......for instance, she unfriended me on FB, no great deal with that, but she then takes down all of the pics and untags all of the things that she posted that she had had up for a number of years....now that seems kinda petty to me, but maybe she is making a clean break and that is how she rolls????!!!!
some of the things that might have had some influence in her decision are that she is the youngest of 2, and she has had a damned hard time with type I bipolar disorder....now as someone who is involved in the provision of pharmaceutical care to patients with a wide variety of conditions, and i have seen the influence of this type of condition on people and how they act.....and she has always been her parent's special little girl, so maybe a combination of her illness and being spoiled contributed to this........also, she was crushed in one relationship she had whilst in college, and she mentioned in passing how this has affected her....but in all honesty, i don't know how true this might be
another contributory factor was the long distance aspect of the relationship....but going in she knew this would be hard in that regard, but we talked regularly etc and we had planned regular visits one of which i am going on in a few weeks....she was one aspect of the visit, the other being a job interview of sorts and catching up with old buddies and my family
i dunno....she was all about coming over and mentioned that she wanted to come and live with me for the remainder of my contract.....the other thing is that as she lost weight, she was a heavy girl for her height, she was getting more and more attention when she went to the bars, and she more than likely had her head turned...she was not able to deal with being a couple and was likely unfaithful before the incident she told me about......
the good things:
-she forced me to re-evaluate some of who i am as a person......i am now in therapy, and have talked out some of it and i am working on trust and communication issues that have existed since forever....and that is a good thing!!! i am building back some relationships that had slowly been decaying for a while
-the other thing is i now understand why i drank so hard and so heavy for so long, and now i understand that was because i feared being alone and was not happy with who i was, i just didn't want to think or feel.....as that is the case, i am now thinking of breaking my sobriety...not getting fucking hammered, more a case of having a whiskey when i want to kind of thing....i guess the fear of being alone was a contributory factor towards us getting together...i have moved all over the world in the last decade, and have lacked any degree of support network and undergone a few traumatic events in that time.....i guess the old need to satisfy a college urge that i never got out of my system meant that as soon she showed any interest i fell WAY TOO HARD AND WAY TOO FAST.....and liked the feeling of having someone totally devoted to me, or so it seemed
-no more bad sex :-)
-i can get a lady who is a better fit for me
-i know what i want from a relationship...strange as this may sound, it seems as though i have put together a shopping list of requirements and i am not gonna deviate from that!
all in all......i am looking forwards to getting qualified, moving home, getting more ink, and becoming the best person i can be.....and maybe find a lass who is gonna be worthy of my time
sorry for the somewhat incoherent ramble
needed to get that off of my chest
later
PL82
well,
been pretty damn dramatic since my last blog......
the missus and I totally separated and it seems there is no reconciling....she got pissed because she cheated on me after a massive argument and i told some people about to get it off of my chest, and she couldn't handle the truth.....well, fuck that, i am not gonna sit here and suffer in silence.....if she can tell her friends and family, so can i
oh, and i find it highly suspect that she was okay with going out and doing her thing, yet the moment i try to sort out some things for myself, i am the villain....fuck her
she was a little two faced actress, who couldn't handle the truth when it bit her on the ass....and i will be eternally grateful that i have friends an family who stuck by me and helped me out......
i deserve much better and i will have it, i wish her luck in this life because she will fucking need it
on a slightly different note....i am getting more ink on Saturday, and defo looking forward to it.....i have come a long way since my first piece that took 45 minutes some 4 years ago, haha
take care SG land
L82
been pretty damn dramatic since my last blog......
the missus and I totally separated and it seems there is no reconciling....she got pissed because she cheated on me after a massive argument and i told some people about to get it off of my chest, and she couldn't handle the truth.....well, fuck that, i am not gonna sit here and suffer in silence.....if she can tell her friends and family, so can i
oh, and i find it highly suspect that she was okay with going out and doing her thing, yet the moment i try to sort out some things for myself, i am the villain....fuck her
she was a little two faced actress, who couldn't handle the truth when it bit her on the ass....and i will be eternally grateful that i have friends an family who stuck by me and helped me out......
i deserve much better and i will have it, i wish her luck in this life because she will fucking need it
on a slightly different note....i am getting more ink on Saturday, and defo looking forward to it.....i have come a long way since my first piece that took 45 minutes some 4 years ago, haha
take care SG land
L82
i am now in possession of a rather tasty piece of traditional Samoan influenced ink....got half my work done today...got another 3-4 hours to get it finished
that'll make it so it is just about done by the time i go home to see the fam and try to mend the relationship with my missus.....
i am gonna look good and feel good....trying to mend myself mentally at the moment, the ink is part of that process and the therapy is another....work is going really well at least...i think between the ink, the therapy and the lifting/Judo/boxing i am gonna be busy.....
the main thing that is bugging me is that i am spending too much time alone....i need to make some friends, and to go out in a social sense, not just lifting and such...which while fun, it isn't entirely fulfilling.....
still, i have only to make it through 7 more months and i am back home to people and the place i love......
that'll make it so it is just about done by the time i go home to see the fam and try to mend the relationship with my missus.....
i am gonna look good and feel good....trying to mend myself mentally at the moment, the ink is part of that process and the therapy is another....work is going really well at least...i think between the ink, the therapy and the lifting/Judo/boxing i am gonna be busy.....
the main thing that is bugging me is that i am spending too much time alone....i need to make some friends, and to go out in a social sense, not just lifting and such...which while fun, it isn't entirely fulfilling.....
still, i have only to make it through 7 more months and i am back home to people and the place i love......
is tired of being treated like shit....and will get on with improving himself so that he can get the person he deserves
i am not sure what i can do.......
i feel profoundly sad, dejected, rejected and unable to function at the moment....and having a week off work, whilst all my family are in another country and my fiancee decided to put out engagement on hold really fucking amplified those feelings
i was planning to go out and have at least one coke with some workmates, not really friends per se, but at least it would have been a fair bit better to sit with a few folks, hit midnight and then disappear shortly thereafter......but within the last hour or so at work, i started having a feeling inside me that i couldn't quite put on a finger, kinda like a combination of all the aforementioned things at the beginning of this entry....
i barely got home, and just started crying like a little fucking girl, WTF?!?!?!? this continued throughout the night, and i couldn't fucking move......and this has been going on all day
well, as i was acting crazy, i tried to sort out a therapist because i can't stand the thought of burying myself in a bottle or being on drugs again to numb the pain,, i figure trying to talk this shit out would be a better use of my resources, the source of this shit is defo internal and using external bandages is no good......hoping i get some replies soon.....the amount of stuff i that is rolling around in my head is starting to impinge on my work......whatever personal relationships i have at the moment are fucked, and any sort of routine i have been using to cope is a pretty shot to hell ATM......i am starting to not care about anything, which i think could be kinda dangerous
i need some sort of balance......really soon
i feel profoundly sad, dejected, rejected and unable to function at the moment....and having a week off work, whilst all my family are in another country and my fiancee decided to put out engagement on hold really fucking amplified those feelings
i was planning to go out and have at least one coke with some workmates, not really friends per se, but at least it would have been a fair bit better to sit with a few folks, hit midnight and then disappear shortly thereafter......but within the last hour or so at work, i started having a feeling inside me that i couldn't quite put on a finger, kinda like a combination of all the aforementioned things at the beginning of this entry....
i barely got home, and just started crying like a little fucking girl, WTF?!?!?!? this continued throughout the night, and i couldn't fucking move......and this has been going on all day
well, as i was acting crazy, i tried to sort out a therapist because i can't stand the thought of burying myself in a bottle or being on drugs again to numb the pain,, i figure trying to talk this shit out would be a better use of my resources, the source of this shit is defo internal and using external bandages is no good......hoping i get some replies soon.....the amount of stuff i that is rolling around in my head is starting to impinge on my work......whatever personal relationships i have at the moment are fucked, and any sort of routine i have been using to cope is a pretty shot to hell ATM......i am starting to not care about anything, which i think could be kinda dangerous
i need some sort of balance......really soon
well,
after the short and yet strangely to the point blog i wrote a few days earlier, i feel the need to vent and get some stuff of my chest.......this isn't meant to be any great piece of literature but simply a mental blowing out of the cob webs
so we will start at the beginning
i guess based on conversation with my fiancee, that we haven't been communicating especially well....now i being male, and somewhat emotionally closed off, this has never been a strong suit......well, combine this with us having to endure a long distance relationship, and she has called off the engagement for the moment, or until at least until i get to the US permanently.....
this, along with the timing of this announcement, right around the birthday of my late father.....and the disappointment of having something taken away that i valued so VERY highly crushed me.....at the moment, i feel kinda numb and VERY distrusting of women and people in general....but TBH, i have to say this is something that i have always felt since a child due to a somewhat distant father, and my family all being so far away IE in a different country, or having tried to steal money from me after my father's death.......
so having set the scene, and having had some SERIOUSLY heavy conversations with my partner, my mother, my grandfather and a good friend of mine who is fair bit older than me in regards to what the situation is all about and solutions to the problems presented by this, i have come up with a few things that i want to do in the new year
normally my resolutions are based on my weightlifting/powerlifting/judo goals, but in this instance i feel that i am working towards things of greater importance.....things that will set me up for a hopefully happy future with partner
1.) working out some of my emotional issues with a councillor....these are my emotional distance, my lack of confidence and how it affects how i myself and others see me
2.) working on my ability to communicate........not so much in a professional sense, where i know that i am good, but in a more personal and intimate sense
3.) this is kinda related to point 1, but one that i feel deserves a mention....i am gonna start working on my appearance again.......at work, i am okay, but it seems like i have let myself go somewhat....maybe though a lack of confidence, maybe laziness......but i wish to portray a certain image and be the man i feel i should be and the one my partner deserves
4.) be at least stable enough emotionally and mentally to qualify as a pharmacist.......this will be my major earner for the next few years, so i figure i need to get it sorted
hope everyone is moving in the right direction
later
L82
after the short and yet strangely to the point blog i wrote a few days earlier, i feel the need to vent and get some stuff of my chest.......this isn't meant to be any great piece of literature but simply a mental blowing out of the cob webs
so we will start at the beginning
i guess based on conversation with my fiancee, that we haven't been communicating especially well....now i being male, and somewhat emotionally closed off, this has never been a strong suit......well, combine this with us having to endure a long distance relationship, and she has called off the engagement for the moment, or until at least until i get to the US permanently.....
this, along with the timing of this announcement, right around the birthday of my late father.....and the disappointment of having something taken away that i valued so VERY highly crushed me.....at the moment, i feel kinda numb and VERY distrusting of women and people in general....but TBH, i have to say this is something that i have always felt since a child due to a somewhat distant father, and my family all being so far away IE in a different country, or having tried to steal money from me after my father's death.......
so having set the scene, and having had some SERIOUSLY heavy conversations with my partner, my mother, my grandfather and a good friend of mine who is fair bit older than me in regards to what the situation is all about and solutions to the problems presented by this, i have come up with a few things that i want to do in the new year
normally my resolutions are based on my weightlifting/powerlifting/judo goals, but in this instance i feel that i am working towards things of greater importance.....things that will set me up for a hopefully happy future with partner
1.) working out some of my emotional issues with a councillor....these are my emotional distance, my lack of confidence and how it affects how i myself and others see me
2.) working on my ability to communicate........not so much in a professional sense, where i know that i am good, but in a more personal and intimate sense
3.) this is kinda related to point 1, but one that i feel deserves a mention....i am gonna start working on my appearance again.......at work, i am okay, but it seems like i have let myself go somewhat....maybe though a lack of confidence, maybe laziness......but i wish to portray a certain image and be the man i feel i should be and the one my partner deserves
4.) be at least stable enough emotionally and mentally to qualify as a pharmacist.......this will be my major earner for the next few years, so i figure i need to get it sorted
hope everyone is moving in the right direction
later
L82
well....
it has been a long old while since i have blogged but i figure enough time has elapsed and i have done enough in the interim to make it a tad longer than a few sentences, haha
anyhoo,
i am now getting married on the 29th of Feb 2012....the missus and I liked the date cause it'll allow us to btoh remember the anniversary, haha.....seriously though, it was because she proposed first and we thought it might be cool to remember it....
lifting is kay...just bubbling along...but dammnit i am so CLOSE to a 220kg paused box SQ, and it will be done....just a few KGs short
then it is on to a double BW raw regular SQ....good times!!!
work is going awesome......this tiem around, i really feel like i am gonna make my pre-registration year go the way i think it should...i feel confident in the way i am working and interacting in my work place.....my first work review went really well....and i feel confident in the next 13 week interval that i should make some extra progress!!! then i will work on becoming a pharmacist in the USA when i move over
see ya later guys
PL82
it has been a long old while since i have blogged but i figure enough time has elapsed and i have done enough in the interim to make it a tad longer than a few sentences, haha
anyhoo,
i am now getting married on the 29th of Feb 2012....the missus and I liked the date cause it'll allow us to btoh remember the anniversary, haha.....seriously though, it was because she proposed first and we thought it might be cool to remember it....
lifting is kay...just bubbling along...but dammnit i am so CLOSE to a 220kg paused box SQ, and it will be done....just a few KGs short
then it is on to a double BW raw regular SQ....good times!!!work is going awesome......this tiem around, i really feel like i am gonna make my pre-registration year go the way i think it should...i feel confident in the way i am working and interacting in my work place.....my first work review went really well....and i feel confident in the next 13 week interval that i should make some extra progress!!! then i will work on becoming a pharmacist in the USA when i move over
see ya later guys
PL82
well,
seems time for an update for those of you who care or not
i start the new job tomorrow.......this time next year, i will be ready to move over to the US, and live with my girlfriend and i can't wait....i genuinely feel good about trying to make my life how i want it to be.......
that's about it.....short and to the point!
later
L82
seems time for an update for those of you who care or not
i start the new job tomorrow.......this time next year, i will be ready to move over to the US, and live with my girlfriend and i can't wait....i genuinely feel good about trying to make my life how i want it to be.......
that's about it.....short and to the point!
later
L82
