Lol, i find every time i post here is only when i wanna say something that i don't want anyone to ever see. Gotta love it, eh?

So i'm visiting a friend, i haven't really seen in about 2 years.

last time she came to visit me, she totally bailed on me, and yeah.. what can i say? And the last time i went to see her 2 years ago, i can safely say i did not enjoy it.

So, to start with, i originally was going to a show downtown Toronto, which was a Halloween party/friend's birthday/after party. But i was going alone and i might have seen my ex, so i didn't want to go. bringing up this problem with this girl, who is one of my best friends, sometimes that makes me sad, lol, and she convinces me to come to her Halloween party. One of my biggest problems is i don't go to parties where i don't know more than a few people, because i know, being the person i am, it'd be very awkward. So she promises that she won't leave me alone at the party, or anything like that.

So i figure it's my best friend. I'll trust her.

so i get here, party starts, and guess what? most of the time I'm left in a room with like 8 other ppl who all know each other and are talking about shit i wouldn't know about, so I'm left feeling awkward, as i figured. So i leave the room eventually, have some weed, then go sit in her room and listen to music. Eventually she comes in again, and asks why i'm alone. Lawl, funny. i get dragged outside, she stays around for a bit, then goes off again. This time i figure i'll try to be social, so i try to chat with people, and still doesn't really work out. So this time i try to locate her, and i find her in the smoking room, so i pull out some more weed, and chill there with them. Meh, good for now, i guess.

I'm not drinking because i'm smoking non-stop, so i don't wanna mix, and personally i'd rather weed than alcohol. But yeah, she's pretty smashed,so i'm...

Lol, i find every time i post here is only when i wanna say something that i don't want anyone to ever see. Gotta love it, eh?

So i'm visiting a friend, i haven't really seen in about 2 years.

last time she came to visit me, she totally bailed on me, and yeah.. what can i say? And the last time i went to see her 2 years ago, i can safely say i did not enjoy it.

So, to start with, i originally was going to a show downtown Toronto, which was a Halloween party/friend's birthday/after party. But i was going alone and i might have seen my ex, so i didn't want to go. bringing up this problem with this girl, who is one of my best friends, sometimes that makes me sad, lol, and she convinces me to come to her Halloween party. One of my biggest problems is i don't go to parties where i don't know more than a few people, because i know, being the person i am, it'd be very awkward. So she promises that she won't leave me alone at the party, or anything like that.

So i figure it's my best friend. I'll trust her.

so i get here, party starts, and guess what? most of the time I'm left in a room with like 8 other ppl who all know each other and are talking about shit i wouldn't know about, so I'm left feeling awkward, as i figured. So i leave the room eventually, have some weed, then go sit in her room and listen to music. Eventually she comes in again, and asks why i'm alone. Lawl, funny. i get dragged outside, she stays around for a bit, then goes off again. This time i figure i'll try to be social, so i try to chat with people, and still doesn't really work out. So this time i try to locate her, and i find her in the smoking room, so i pull out some more weed, and chill there with them. Meh, good for now, i guess.

I'm not drinking because i'm smoking non-stop, so i don't wanna mix, and personally i'd rather weed than alcohol. But yeah, she's pretty smashed,so i'm trying to take care of her, you know, make sure she doesn't fall and all that jazz. Eventually we go back to her room cuz she wants to change the music. she's sitting on the chair, and i'm sitting on the floor, holding her so she doesn't fall over. she starts dancing in the chair, and starts rubbing against me and wutnot. >.< i do love and care for her, but i know this is only cuz she's drunk. oh well. So eventually she kisses me. in my head all i can say is "Fuck." Does it again, a few minutes later, i'm still thinking the same thing. We go back outside, i'm sitting next to her, she's still all dancie and flirty, So she's still atempting to kiss me, and now i'm whispering to her "no."
She replies "But I love you, how can you say no?"
"Because i love you too, that i won't do that while you're drunk. if you still want to tomorrow, then okay."
She gets sad, but gets over it pretty quick. We go sit in the kitchen, and she's falling over, so we bring her back to the bed. Some other guy is sitting there, and honestly, i was getting weird-as-fuck vibes from him, i won't be sad if i never see his face again. fucking creeper. He leaves, she lies down. She starts hiccuping like crazy, and i'm not sure if that's good or bad, so I'm sitting there with her, just to make sure.

some random dude, comes in and flies onto the bed behind her, and had a fucking vibrator or some shit on him, and they start cuddling. so i get up and move from the bed, start getting my shit up, eventually he gets on the computer to change the music, i go up to her and whisper "are you gunna be okay?" "yes." so then i grab my laptop and cell phone and leave. door slams shut behind me.

Everyone's gone by then, so I'm chilling in the common room. it's fucking freezing btw, and i'm wearing what i've been wearing all day long. so not very warm or comfy, so ofcorse i'm a little pissed off. meh i go outside, smoke some weed, come inside and attempt to fall asleep. next 3 hours is me freezing my ass off while trying to pass out.

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next morning i wake up to the front door banging, around 9, i hear her get up, and answer it, talk to the ppl there, and then go right back to sleep.

great friend. doesn't even check to see if her friend is okay. I'm starting to realize why i have very few friends. i don't like associating with people who don't treat their friends like real friends.

so i txt her and say "Luckily my bag and all my shit is in there, cuz i would have totally been home by now."

Eventually i can't take it anymore, and i realize i have 5 bucks on me, so i ask one of her house mates where a McD's is around the area. and i go for a walk smoking and steaming.

Was it cold out there you ask? fuck yes. just as cold as it was where i was sleeping.

so i walk around for a while, then go get pizza, and while i'm sitting there i txt her again. i forget wut i said -.-;; i get a reply saying something along the lines that she feels bad and that she just woke up.

This is around 4:30ish btw. I've been awake since about 11 am. 5 and a half hours of frustration building up = one fucking pissed off Ameer.

another text "where are you"
"I'm in the common room watching T.V."
"no you're not i just checked there"
"oh oops, i kinda forgot that i left and went for a walk."
"where"
"no clue, just walking"
"please just come back home"

eventually i make it to a random park there and i sit on the swings for about an hour or so, then i go back to the house around 6, and chill in the common room again. Eventually i txt her back asking her if she's taken her medicine yet, and i hear her walk out. so i look up and she comes over and sits next to me and says sorry.

she still doesn't know what I'm mad at her about, and i don't plan on telling her.

My heart hurts cuz i know she'd never kiss me if she wasn't drunk, and i'm mad that i let her do it 2 times before stopping it.

Also, i believe in honesty, trust, honor, caring and all that jazz, especially in friends.

Trust - lost it when she left me alone for like half an hour in total awkwardness with people.
Honesty - i guess she's still honest.
and Honor? - no matter how drunk or high i get, i would never do anything with someone close to me that would confuse them, expecially when we've talked about it.
Caring? - thanks for letting me sleep in the freezing room, lady.

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we ended up going out to dinner for sushi, and i told her a few things. nothing about me, just shit that she didn't remember from the last night. We came home, watched Nightmare before Christmas with her house mates, then came back, got in her bed and watched Cube 2 and then 1.

we talked about a whole bunch of stuff here and there, mostly i talked about random family shit that i've never told her. she is still one of my best friends i guess.

but i won't lie, last night's sleep was the most peaceful I've had in a while. it was terribly comforting to cuddle up against her. I really do love this girl too much. All night while i was awake i couldn't stop thinking about the night before tho, and everything that happened. i wanted to make her feel horrible over it. just as horrible as i felt the entire day before, but i couldn't bring myself to do it to her. Yet, i can make myself do it to almost everyone else, including my ex girlfriend, who i dated for 2 and a half years. Yep. too much love.

this morning when we woke up, we stayed in bed for a few hours, just talking, random me cuddling her, and silence. I haven't been this totally at peace inside in almost 6 months. Yet still...

There's one thing i had in my head that I'm still dying to say to her.

"You know what sucks the most? I will never forget those kisses, even though i know you only did it because you were drunk, and they meant nothing to you... kinda hurts, you know?"

But i don't have it in me to say those words to her, and hurt her with them.

*Edit* i don't know where to stick this so i'm sticking it here. How come whenever i'm talking to someone online, they're always like "i'm never at my computer, that's why i never reply." but then when you're at their place, they're on pretty often. what's the excuse then? yeah, never at your computer, my ass.