Dear Suicide Girls,

This will be my last Blog entry. I found out a suspicain I had was true today. This journal is no longer sacred. My private thoughts are being read by people who dont like me. People who wish to hurt me. But, first, I need to clear the air. Here goes.

Josh- I love you. I always will. I am not in love with you, as you arent in love with me. I hope you and I can be freinds again. I miss that part of our relationship. We made a child together, and no matter what I have said on this blog, or anywhere else, you will always be a vital part of my life. Thank you for the happy years we had together, for they enriched my spirt and strenghtened my soul.

Kathy- You are transparent. I have loved you and been apart of your family and yet you still fail to be honest with me. I know you dont like me. I know you talk badly behind my back. I expect that, of course, but what I dont expect is you to be nicey nice. That isnt real. It makes me feel like shit. And, by the way, if I am not welcome in your house, neither is my child. You should really talk to me about the way you feel. I can take it. Also, as I said, I expect you to say things about me. BUT. DO NOT talk about me in front of my daughter. That is completly unacceptable.

Grace- I will admit that it has been hard for me to accept you into my, and my child's life. I have heard really nasty things (maybe added to the pile) about you. But, you need to know how I really feel about you. I want to be honest: You fucking rock. I love you. Really. I think you are going to be the thing that saves this horrible situation. I am in awe of you willingness to put shit aside and get to know me as a person. Thank you for that. I look forward to spending more time with you. Josh is lucky to have you, and you to have him.

Tabatha- .....eh.....I've said all I have to say to you.


Well, there it is. I'm though.

-Amber-

-Waking up next to him-

(Rock on- gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon
And dig your grave
Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray)


He's all over my mouth and running over my breasts. This affair is warming up my soul.


(Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise- loves- to go down
Lousy lovers- pick their prey
But they never cry out loud)


Shadows on the walls. Calling his name from down the hall. Come back to bed, hold me just a little more?


(Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now- do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.)


Never felt anyone so loving, so careful in the way he explores every inch. I am feeling very generous.

Music keeps playing.....I settle in closer......time for a shower?

Hello my dears.

House sitting for freinds and getting some computer time.

Hum. Update. Yes. Fuck, I dont even know what to say.

I am well. I have been having some pretty steep emotional rides latley, as I try to figure out how to live on 300$ a month, support myself and my child, and how to continue on with my life. It is hard ya know. Not being without Josh, that is a piece of cake. Josh was an emotional drain on me and I am happy to be free of our marraige. It's the lack of routine, that free floating feeling that is hard to deal with. My house wolnt be done being built until September, and in the meantime I am homeless.

I was pretty happy staying where I was, but things got sour. I have no space that is all my own, as I share a room with the man-friend. Olivia goes crazy. I dont even have a place to put her down for her naps! AGH! Do you know how important a nap is to a 2 year old?!? Oh, and that man-friend. Dont even get me started. I am happy with him, but damn. Relationships take a lot of head space, especially weird-kinda-sorta-maybe-we-are-and-maybe-were-not ones.... I just dont have room for him in my head at this time. I want to concerntrate on my kid, my house, and my assortment of jobs. I am not throwing away what we have (whatever the hell it is), but I am putting it on the back burner for now.

So, I am moving in with some other friends, and I will have my own space.

Ah. This feels nice.

-Amber-

Been on an emotional ride lately.

Tired, irritable.

Cant wait for this divorce to final. Working on getting the seperation done...what a pain in the ass.

Olive is being such a sweet lady. I love my baby so much. She was the best thing that came out of all this. She is what keeps me strong, keeps me going.

I am missing my man friend. He's been gone almost 2 weeks, will be back in one more week. I cant wait to touch him, kiss his wonderful mouth. Ahhhhhhh.......

-A-

She wants to buy the look of my abuse
They want to use my blood
To color their perfume

Get out of me
I know
Go, go, go

Just like a starfish
My legs will still grow back
I'll just be ten times stronger
Each time that you attack me

cry.

You.

make.

me.

want.