just tried to microwave some pizza by sticking it in the fridge.
god i'm tired.
wore out is more like it, actually.
and i sure as fuck CANNOT wait to get up for some shitty work meeting in less than 6 hours where everyone is going to be lectured like the down-syndrome douchebags they are.

(can you believe a guy at my work misspelled 'CANNOT'? no joke. god. damn. RETARDS.)

left this thing alone long enough... i suppose.
it comes and goes, and for the past few months, had definitely been in a phase of going. i think i'd been looking at it the wrong way, considering it to have more of a purpose than it does, or at least... a different purpose than it does.

my cats are so clueless. finicky, i guess. annoying, really.
one goes out, the other comes in. and then they want to switch every 10 minutes.
i can hear whichever one is outside from inside. wailing and wauling like it's the worst thing that they could possibly suffer, to be outside, despite it being their own choosing.
i can hear them from INSIDE, dammit.
FUCK! that's annoying.

life is sneaky.
it has a way of sneaking up on you, and sneaking past you, though rarely both at the same time, which i suppose is fortunate.
coming soon!:
a big change of life!
an information and testing session with the provincial government for a job where i get cursed, threatened and spit at for $20 an hour! and get free meals!
ohh, prison... will i remember your hard corners and hardened cons as i think i do?
doubtful. it's been a long time.
hell, will i even pass the 'session'? that's what i should concern myself with.

because god knows i didn't last time. pass, that is.
i totally failed the psych testing.
but if anyone ever failed anything legitimately,
with an excuse,
moreso... with a R E A S O N...
i did on that psych testing.
up in the north country at school... they'd just never seen anything like me.
so when they did...
and when the test asked me things like;
"do you sometimes think people are talking about you?"
"do people stop talking when you enter a room?"
"do you often feel people's eyes on you?"

i answered honestly, and i answered 'yes'.

crazy thing was, i wasn't crazy. it was happening. you could ask anyone.
although, i have thought for a long time that one of the craziest things a person can say, a huge tip-off that someone is unbalanced and out of control, is saying the phrase;
i'm not insane

anyway, dear journal,
time to take advantage of what is likely going to be limited time only internet access.
that means;
time for porn.

Yeah, so my wireless internet is down again, so I don't spend enough time on here ever to figure out how to access my bookmarks in one big go. Is there even a bookmark page now, since the re-vamp? Because I can't seem to find it. And it's starting to piss me off. HELP!

Weird couple of weeks. My girlfriend is a teacher at my old high school, and there was a retirement party for the principal. So there I am, surrounded in all these old teachers of mine, like 8 years later, drinking with them. It was fucked. Also on the list of happenings:

- Lacklustre AFI concert. I had only seen them at Warped before but they always did a killer set there, so I just expected better. I should have done so and saw them 4 or 5 years ago, apparently. Dillinger Escape Plan fucking deafened me. Retards. "Hey... we suck really hard and we just scream... so let's cover up our suckiness by playing louder than everyone else! Yeah!" Uhh, no, thanks.

- Bought a car. Yeah, that was pretty exciting, didn't sleep very well for a few days thinking about it.

- Started rehearsals for a new show... sort of. The director is a friend of mine who's never directed, only kind of watched me do it in our old company. So communication isn't the greatest, and it doesn't feel very cohesive at the moment, even though there are only 6 of us involved in all. Meh, he'll learn. Hopefully.

And I know there's more, but in fashion true to myself... I forgot already.

HOW DO I GET MY BOOKMARKS?!

one day, people will only find understanding in a zoo, or 'animal reserve'. once roaming free across the great plains of all parts of the world, understanding has been hunted to near extinction for reasons... no one really knows. some magnificent specimens remain in the wild, the biggest and strongest of their kind, but their numbers are so few that sometimes they are not able to find a mate, and die lonely, defeated, and alone.

managed to get away to Hamilton for an afternoon, that was decent. it was raining, as it was all last week, which i liked. the problem, of course, was that the bums and punks weren't really out. not they even seem to exist anymore, but whatever.

working all nights this week, all 6-12's. i get one night off to see what i'm hoping will be a better show than i expect it to be. music? no, Robin Hood.
make that: high school Robin Hood.
so yeah. who knows?

having a couple of lonely but calm nights at work already this week, i've dived quite happily into my new Wolves of the Calla book. oh Roland and your rag-tag band of gunslingers, how i've missed you. even if you do make my life far less exciting by comparison.

i got my notice that my SG membership was expired a couple of days ago. which means any day now, i'll try to log in and not be able to. probably the very day an awesome new Alexis or Palo set goes up, dammit. which means i should really get to the bank and do up a money order. because for all my beefs about the self-important internet shitwads... hey... hot naked chicks. and a pretty good comics group, to boot.


if black, white, and gray were all the same colour, it'd be me.

every now and then i intentionally go against my silky smooth nature and frustrate myself. well, intentionally may be too serious a word. basically, i do things that the past had demonstrated will frustrate me.
i suppose that's the case for today. and for a few days previous as well.
oh well. all things pass.

i'm on the road to recovery from two separate infections. ohh antibiotics, you wonderful bastards.
however, due to the general lameness of my job, a lot of people have been quitting both at my location and various others, and management doesn't seem to have any interest in hiring anyone else on at my location, so i'm working much more than i'd like to. i get 6 days off in the entire 4 week schedule. one of those days i will waste going to see a school play that i have low expectations for. this has been an ugly week. 6 days at work, all night shifts. and it just gets boring!

and i'm tired. from staying up late to be able to have time for myself, since i spend so much with the girlfriend because of her real and percieved problems. from getting up early to go out and do all the things i have to before work. fuck, which reminds me... i have to go do laundry since i'm out of work clothes. hopefully i still have enough time and won't be wearing damp clothes to work.

ugh.
life seems like a long and tired chore at the moment.
and that just completely goes against my general philosophy.
which is frustrating.

so, over the past couple of weeks, i have abandoned the internet and found a truer social calling in life.

haaa... no, that's not true. my wireless was down. somebody around here fucked something up, and i haven't had enough time in the past two weeks to breathe, much less fuck around with the internet connection and get frustrated further.

so i make my mediocre return to the electronic world, with a few more realizations under my belt:

i relate a lot of things to tetris. i didn't realize what an impact that game had on my life, but lately a lot of things i've been doing remind me of tetris. i end up singing the song as the realization comes to me every time.

i'm a good driver. no, make that... a spectacular driver. when driving granny for easter dinner, or needing to get across town in the matter of seconds... i'm fucking amazing.

i'm headed out of town on theatre business for four days next week.
i'm frigging excited, it's going to be awesome.

time for a frosty chocolate milkshake... BITCHES. and since i don't work until tomorrow night, i'm going to have a pathetic yet satisfying all-night x-box adventure.

fuckin' a. FUCKIN' A.

Back for a short while. Like, a couple of nights kind of short. Girlfriend's going for surgery on Tuesday, so I'll be spending a lot of time taking care of her.

Life makes me want to laugh at it. Anyone looking for sense in life is going to be sorely disappointed. Which also makes me want to laugh.
Ohhh, but also cry, sometimes.

Check this:
My current girlfriend is a teacher. One of my previous ones is an animator/artist on Ed, Edd, and Eddy (I think that's what it's called). Another ex is (or at least was) starting to consider stripping since she's strapped for cash.
Crazy.

I'm feeling more intelligent and adaptable and capable lately than I have in some time. I feel like... well, like a generally good person. Which is right on cue, because goddammit, anyone who knows me knows that I *am* a hell of a guy.
Plus, I can dance.

That's it for now.
But, if anyone remembers me... how about a comment?

last one for a while.

all night long
stuffed into the slums
by choice?
not so much.
not by choice, no.
the blisters popping inside my boots
and soaking my socks with ooze said no
not by choice.
the scum, our roll call;
the sluts
the junkies
the bums
the pushers
the prostitutes
and the oversexed 11 year olds.
all night long
my hands were trying to grow eyes
to find that perfect throat to throttle.
but i guess it never came
i guess it eluded my grasp
but i walked around,
teeth clenched,
no longer with fingers but with C L A W S
ready to rip open the next piece of human garbage
that looked at me funny.
i wanted to do it
i wanted to feel
as it built and built.
but it wasn't until the cold set in
on that long, tired walk home
that the music fell upon my ears and i felt it all
come rushing in.
i broke, nearly in half
and my insides poured out seemingly at random.
the tears snuck up on me
as i felt
FELT
felt real, felt it come back.
and the tears snuck up on me like a rat in the dark
they gnawed through the back of my eyes
and they came out, by jesus, they came out.
disgusting things as they were
because it dawned on me
that none of it meant a goddam thing.
and i promised that i would not turn out like that
poor bastard at work today
that there was no way, no way in hell on earth
that that would be me.
and i thought,
this is not what moses intended when he came down
from the mount
as the tears rolled down my face
as paper bags snaked in the wind
as my ankle buckled underneath me.
the snow began and blew in my eyes
and i welcomed the coldness of it,
such the opposite of what i (finally) felt inside.
i burst
i BURST
wide open,
yelling, screaming
at no one... no one was there
but everyone should have listened.
i think if i was ever to have bled out into stigmata
tonight would have been the night
because the pain of the world was thrown upon me
from all directions, all at once
and i realized that it was because my hands were not
big enough
i could not wrap my hands around it's throat
the throat of the fucking world
and that instead
it sat squarely on my shoulders
as the last fucking person on earth who gives a damn.

I am firing on ALLLL my fucking cylinders tonight.

Not a bad weekend, but I am sick as hell and prepared to die. I’ve been writing up directions on what to do in the event of my death tonight, but decided I needed a break when I wrote about a near-threesome I had and put it in the section about things I was proud of/high points/things I enjoyed part. And wanted to write about it in detail.
So here I am! To talk about the weekend, and in particular, the Less Than Jake show last night.

Terrible shitty weather last night. The girlfriend and I decided to leave for the show a bit late, in order to possibly miss a shitty opening band. We didn’t even know who they were going to be, but were quite sure they would only be of interest to effeminate dudes with plugs, star tattoos and fat girlfriends, as well as broads with two much eyeliner, two belts, and gallons of pudge hanging over their pants.
Basically, the majority of SG members.
And yeah, I was not disappointed with that assumption.
Well, I WAS disappointed, but I was not incorrect.
Less Than Jake has some of the ugliest fucking fans of any band, I gotta tell ya.

But anyway, we managed to miss one opener, and but had to stand through two more destined-for-stardom hunks of steaming crap before LTJ. Some hippy, mop-top, used clothing bullshit where they all looked related, and the other band with some faux-metal, wanna-sound-angry-but-just-come-off-as-spoiled-pussies junk. I’m 100% positive that both sets of jackasses would have MySpace accounts. Ohh, the hipsters that love that crap. Who download 3 songs off the internet and suddenly become OMGZ SUPERFANZ!!!1

Hot.

I like Less Than Jake, though. They’ve been around forever, they’re funny, and they always give’er when they’re putting on a show, and last night was no exception. Their fans, well... they’re something different altogether. For the first bit, I was next to some bouncing blob of a young woman who looked a little something like this:



She flailed about for some time, sweating her ass off. Ohhhh, she stunk so bad. If only she went to more shows and bounced around like that, I thought, maybe she could fit into some clown pants and a studded belt.
Hot.

There were other various annoyances for the girlfriend and myself (like the inbred retard who was trying to videotape half the show on her crappy digital camera, ohhh, aren’t there a ton of those at EVERY show anymore?), but after years of shows, I have a good, trained elbow and amazing crowd control skills. I can shift all but the sturdiest of HARDXCORE chumps pretty subtly, and those that don’t go willingly but are just TOO enthused, well... if you imitate what they’re doing and elbow them in the face a few times, they usually get the picture.

So anyway... did I have a point?
Not really, I just hope it was an amusing story starring some 'I'm ok, you're ok' PC jackass dickwads masquerading as punk bands, the actress who Sloth from the Goonies' stand-in, and a good Less Than Jake performance.

Well, if anyone bothered to read it, anyway.
Fingers crossed?