Listening to: Kooks. Watching: Seinfeld. Reading: Marie Claire.
It's been awhile since I've even wanted to post an entry. I'm mainly floating along, waiting for change. I spose I shouldn't wait for it, it's not like when my moods are stabilized that I'll suddenly be all happy and dandy with my life. Just another excuse to wait and try and ignore my rapidly fleeting options. Not even depressed, I have these great things going on in my life, nothing is going wrong or anything. Things with Sam are pretty great ...I've had a few moments of panic and drastic overreactions with him but currently I'm really happy in our non-relationship relationship. There is a sense that I've had with him, that there is something stronger there that makes me feel really lucky and ickily vulnerable all at the same time. Dirty Soph asked if I thought of him as my best friend today. Yea, I guess in some ways I do because I feel totally comfortable around him and trust him and have fun with him but then there is other stuff about how differently we see us being together and how little time we've known each other. Not to mention that ugly thought that is constantly running through my head that I'm way more into this than he is, it's very easy to see yourself as some sort of desperate pervert when those thoughts are on a loop in your mind. You weigh it up in your head, well I do, and it always comes down to wanting to be with him and it all being worth it.
This is the least life I've had in a long time too. That tends to put a lot more pressure and emphasis on other parts of my life. I hardly ever feel like going out, like being in the world. Which means that quite a few of my friends have been majorly distanced from me in the last few months. You crash in every single part of your life and you end up starting to very slowly, build it back up again, essentials first. Weirdly enough, Sam seems to be one off my main essentials. Most of the time, I can get out of bed to see him for a few hours. Three days a week, I work a few hours and the rest of the time I'm waiting ...watching my belly grow and thinking about how badly I need to restructure my entire life again and work towards being normal.
Rammed dirty Soph's car today. Urgh ....I feel awful about it. I hope it doesn't cost me too much either. Might go to the Fetish Ball, not sure. Lately been feeling really gross and insecure about my bod. You know what not to do when you're feeling like that? go weigh yourself. One of the dumbest things I've done in quite awhile. How is it that, I've been basically the same steady weight since I was 16 and then suddenly I weigh myself and I'm 10 freakin kg's heavier!? Nastiest shock ever. Yuck. All my own fault of course, but man...
And in final news today, I got my Nutter Butter report back from the Psychologist a few days ago. So creepy to read about yourself like that. He wants me on heavier drugs etc, as I've talked about for awhile now...he described me as articulate (maaw) and that my mood was mainly dysphoric (which I've only just looked up in the dictionary)...he also called me fat. When your Psychologist feels the need to say that you're fat in your evaluation of your mind, you can either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh, mainly because I'm only a little bit over-weight but still count myself as pretty hot, but also because when I went to pick up the report he was very insistent that he had to put that in because of my eating issues and that he meant on offence by it at all. He looked like he thought I was going to tackle him and make him take it back. It was actually nice to have someone agree with me for once about it, like not shut me up as soon as I say anything about my weight, or just discount it and say I'm tall. Yes I'm freakishly tall, I love it, but tummies and bat wings and chubby cheeks are not part of the tall gene package kiddies. I eat too much and I don't do any exercise. That's it.
So on that cheery little note, I have to go chuck my incredibly needy cat out of my room so he doesn't position himself between my legs while I'm sleeping and restrict my restless smooching around, trying to get to sleep for hours in my going to bed routine.
P.S Here is Sam's animation (i'm so proud of my wee hotty!).
It's been awhile since I've even wanted to post an entry. I'm mainly floating along, waiting for change. I spose I shouldn't wait for it, it's not like when my moods are stabilized that I'll suddenly be all happy and dandy with my life. Just another excuse to wait and try and ignore my rapidly fleeting options. Not even depressed, I have these great things going on in my life, nothing is going wrong or anything. Things with Sam are pretty great ...I've had a few moments of panic and drastic overreactions with him but currently I'm really happy in our non-relationship relationship. There is a sense that I've had with him, that there is something stronger there that makes me feel really lucky and ickily vulnerable all at the same time. Dirty Soph asked if I thought of him as my best friend today. Yea, I guess in some ways I do because I feel totally comfortable around him and trust him and have fun with him but then there is other stuff about how differently we see us being together and how little time we've known each other. Not to mention that ugly thought that is constantly running through my head that I'm way more into this than he is, it's very easy to see yourself as some sort of desperate pervert when those thoughts are on a loop in your mind. You weigh it up in your head, well I do, and it always comes down to wanting to be with him and it all being worth it.
This is the least life I've had in a long time too. That tends to put a lot more pressure and emphasis on other parts of my life. I hardly ever feel like going out, like being in the world. Which means that quite a few of my friends have been majorly distanced from me in the last few months. You crash in every single part of your life and you end up starting to very slowly, build it back up again, essentials first. Weirdly enough, Sam seems to be one off my main essentials. Most of the time, I can get out of bed to see him for a few hours. Three days a week, I work a few hours and the rest of the time I'm waiting ...watching my belly grow and thinking about how badly I need to restructure my entire life again and work towards being normal.
Rammed dirty Soph's car today. Urgh ....I feel awful about it. I hope it doesn't cost me too much either. Might go to the Fetish Ball, not sure. Lately been feeling really gross and insecure about my bod. You know what not to do when you're feeling like that? go weigh yourself. One of the dumbest things I've done in quite awhile. How is it that, I've been basically the same steady weight since I was 16 and then suddenly I weigh myself and I'm 10 freakin kg's heavier!? Nastiest shock ever. Yuck. All my own fault of course, but man...
And in final news today, I got my Nutter Butter report back from the Psychologist a few days ago. So creepy to read about yourself like that. He wants me on heavier drugs etc, as I've talked about for awhile now...he described me as articulate (maaw) and that my mood was mainly dysphoric (which I've only just looked up in the dictionary)...he also called me fat. When your Psychologist feels the need to say that you're fat in your evaluation of your mind, you can either laugh or cry. I choose to laugh, mainly because I'm only a little bit over-weight but still count myself as pretty hot, but also because when I went to pick up the report he was very insistent that he had to put that in because of my eating issues and that he meant on offence by it at all. He looked like he thought I was going to tackle him and make him take it back. It was actually nice to have someone agree with me for once about it, like not shut me up as soon as I say anything about my weight, or just discount it and say I'm tall. Yes I'm freakishly tall, I love it, but tummies and bat wings and chubby cheeks are not part of the tall gene package kiddies. I eat too much and I don't do any exercise. That's it.
So on that cheery little note, I have to go chuck my incredibly needy cat out of my room so he doesn't position himself between my legs while I'm sleeping and restrict my restless smooching around, trying to get to sleep for hours in my going to bed routine.
P.S Here is Sam's animation (i'm so proud of my wee hotty!).
I love reading your blog entries, even if reading between the lines they sound a little despondent sometimes - it can be hard to tell though, you are very clever at using humour to mask painful-sounding situations. I like knowing what is going on in your head and your life since we can't really keep in touch any other way.
I really hope that I've been a good friend to you Geni - sometimes I think that I've done some stuff that must be kind of annoying (I cringe when I think about when you first told me about the whole Sam thing!). Argh!!! Also I guess I just haven't heard from you in awhile and you know my personality, I always think the worst even though I try very hard not to (last night Jeremy said he'd be back from a ride "later on" (I was expecting him around 8ish). Past midnight and he still wasn't home, and had left his cellphone in the flat too so couldn't call to set my mind at rest. When he finally came in at half past 12, I pounced on him and burst into incoherent tears of rage/relief - just a little thumbnail sketch for you!)
You sound kind of like things might be looking up - the overall tone of your entries seems more upbeat anyway. "Dreamy" is definitely the right word, Miss Dreamboat!
I can't wait to see you again and give you a gigantic hug and just hang the fuck out.
Love you lots Missy, think about you heaps.
xoxox