age: 37 (Jun 15, 1976)

MEMBER SINCE: June 2002

occupation: Outrageous funnyman.

sign: In Case of Fat Emergency, Use Stairs Do Not Use Elevator

makes me sad: Children that peel off their innocent faces to reveal their true form of Zartan.

body mods: Ear, ear, nose, ear, ear, ear, ear, ear.

gets me hot: Rescuing orphanages and breakdancing bikini carwashes.

makes me happy: The innocent faces of the children.

fantasy: I'm a space magician fighting against the Asteroid Lords of Xon with a talking dog and a team of confusable but irreverant foreigners. Also check this: my dick is like 200 feet long and launches killer bees.

i lost my virginity: to the max

most humbling moment: Slipping on a banana peel and crashing onto the stage of the National Bedwetting Society's Convention where 17 national magazines took pictures of me exactly when my high school girlfriend parachuted in holding a banner saying I had a vagina.

into: Volleyball, Muay Thai, binge drinking, basketball, shitty superhero cartoons, explosives.

stats: 6 foot 3, 195 pounds of kickboxing destruction, stupid-colored hair, blue eyes, drunk