PICS
Dearest Kira,
I do adore you for strategically placing two large Harry & David Tortilla Chips boxes directly in the path of my bedroom so that upon entering the doorway at 4:46 AM, I may drunkedly trip over them and near face plant into my hammer pressed bowl full of oranges! Good times. No, really..It's like a maze and the "cheese" is my bedroom..haha..I won again!! Thanx for keepin me on my toes!!
LOVEz. HUGz.
I do adore you for strategically placing two large Harry & David Tortilla Chips boxes directly in the path of my bedroom so that upon entering the doorway at 4:46 AM, I may drunkedly trip over them and near face plant into my hammer pressed bowl full of oranges! Good times. No, really..It's like a maze and the "cheese" is my bedroom..haha..I won again!! Thanx for keepin me on my toes!!
LOVEz. HUGz.
Oh Jacky D & C..I love ya! So I was sipping away on a devastatingly sinful, yet well deserved Jack and Coke in my bedroom..I was satisfied with what progress I'd made through Chapter 8 of 'ASVAB for Dummies,' when my phone goes off with a new text..It was from an unfamiliar number and it appeared to be a future shop customer..I wasn't expecting the Royal Reject of Debonaire himself to text me all the way from United Kingdom of Tardsville..I was truly taken aback by the shear outdatedness of his pickup lines..It's written exactly as he wrote me and I added some of my humorous over analyzation skillz in parentheses..They started rollin in at 8:38pm like this:
RR: So my friend says I should talk to you bout getting my next tatoo.
(Gawd I can't stand it when people misspell 'tattoo')
COMMANDO: You should talk to Maverick at Maverick's Tattoos. I'm his apprentice & I'm not tattooing just yet. Do you want the shop number? We're open at noon tomorrow.
RR: I've meet him and got the number but I think I'd b more intersted in u. Plus noon on a thus is a bad time"
(Oh, you're 'intersted' in me? ok right at this very moment I'm damning whatever so-called 'friend' gave this genius douchegasm my number..In fact, I wanted nothing more than to punch them both square in the kidneys for interrupting my study time!)
COMMANDO: Who is this and who gave you my number?
RR: Well I was talking to someone who I promised I wouldn't tell who. But I was describing a hot chick... Tats Who was skinny knew how to have fun and he said he knew the perfect woman. And told me to talk to u. R u all that? (Yeah Creepy Mcweirderson, I'm all that AND a bag of doritos! I considered this to be an opportune Bubba Gump kinda real estate of re-re to fuck with)
COMMANDO: Somebody lied to you. In reality, I'm a sociopathic fatty who collects Star Wars figurines & plays World of Warcraft in my mom's basement.
RR: Hott. Liar
(What? Did he just out-tard me here?)
COMMANDO: No really. Do you wanna see my backne? It's what happens when you don't wash after a few days..
RR: Backne? WTF
COMMANDO: 'Backne' = back acne..& there's pus involved. Do you like pus? I find it rather fascinating. I wanna collect enough of it & put it under a microscope & watch the bacteria grow.
RR: That may be the worst thing I've ever heard. Yet I don't believe ya but also no where near taking that chance!
At this moment, my roomie/hetero sexual life partner Kira runs into my bedroom practically hyperventilating because she's laughing/ crying at the same time and sits on my feet on the bed..In between sobs and laughter, she tells me "I just..hahha I just farted on Matt."
To which my response was, "Everybody farts Kira..especially your dog..Is this how you reacted to your mom telling you about having a period??"
I'm hugging her at this point because she's completely embarrassed by a little fart that escaped while watching 'Hamlet 2' with her 23yr old man-toy, Matt.
"Welcome to the adult world of gas Kira," I said as she left the room cackling like a homicidal school girl..
I missed a message from Bubba Gump during the malay that read
RR: I know ur not like that so... U've had to encouter that somewhere so I apologize
COMMANDO: Hey I'm not the weirdo who's just randomly texting people I don't know for a booty call..That's just sad..I mean even my World of Warcraft friends talk to me when I need them
RR: So my friend says I should talk to you bout getting my next tatoo.
(Gawd I can't stand it when people misspell 'tattoo')
COMMANDO: You should talk to Maverick at Maverick's Tattoos. I'm his apprentice & I'm not tattooing just yet. Do you want the shop number? We're open at noon tomorrow.
RR: I've meet him and got the number but I think I'd b more intersted in u. Plus noon on a thus is a bad time"
(Oh, you're 'intersted' in me? ok right at this very moment I'm damning whatever so-called 'friend' gave this genius douchegasm my number..In fact, I wanted nothing more than to punch them both square in the kidneys for interrupting my study time!)
COMMANDO: Who is this and who gave you my number?
RR: Well I was talking to someone who I promised I wouldn't tell who. But I was describing a hot chick... Tats Who was skinny knew how to have fun and he said he knew the perfect woman. And told me to talk to u. R u all that? (Yeah Creepy Mcweirderson, I'm all that AND a bag of doritos! I considered this to be an opportune Bubba Gump kinda real estate of re-re to fuck with)
COMMANDO: Somebody lied to you. In reality, I'm a sociopathic fatty who collects Star Wars figurines & plays World of Warcraft in my mom's basement.
RR: Hott. Liar
(What? Did he just out-tard me here?)
COMMANDO: No really. Do you wanna see my backne? It's what happens when you don't wash after a few days..
RR: Backne? WTF
COMMANDO: 'Backne' = back acne..& there's pus involved. Do you like pus? I find it rather fascinating. I wanna collect enough of it & put it under a microscope & watch the bacteria grow.
RR: That may be the worst thing I've ever heard. Yet I don't believe ya but also no where near taking that chance!
At this moment, my roomie/hetero sexual life partner Kira runs into my bedroom practically hyperventilating because she's laughing/ crying at the same time and sits on my feet on the bed..In between sobs and laughter, she tells me "I just..hahha I just farted on Matt."
To which my response was, "Everybody farts Kira..especially your dog..Is this how you reacted to your mom telling you about having a period??"
I'm hugging her at this point because she's completely embarrassed by a little fart that escaped while watching 'Hamlet 2' with her 23yr old man-toy, Matt.
"Welcome to the adult world of gas Kira," I said as she left the room cackling like a homicidal school girl..
I missed a message from Bubba Gump during the malay that read
RR: I know ur not like that so... U've had to encouter that somewhere so I apologize
COMMANDO: Hey I'm not the weirdo who's just randomly texting people I don't know for a booty call..That's just sad..I mean even my World of Warcraft friends talk to me when I need them
I'm going the fuck to hell..And I'm taking a few of you willingly (or unwillingly) with meh!
I've gotta share this textastic textversation I had with a friend earlier today..we'll call him 'FALSE, Nig Nog,' or 'FNN' for short..He let me borrow a pair of his navy blue jogging shorts 2 weeks ago during a drunken marine sleepover..He's since accused me of stealing them, however, he obviously isn't aware of one of the clearly important unspoken rules of drinking and sleepovers..I believe it's rule no 527b..And it states:
If home owner has intentionally invited still awake party goers to drunkedly stumble from one apartment 20 steps away into their apartment for a sleepover in his bed at 0613am, 3 hours before said EOD graduation, they must also provide said company with sleepover clothes to sleep in..ie: SHORTS, sweat pants, shirt, lingerie, ect..
Yes, I do believe that's how that rule is written exactly
FNN: I want my shorts back.
COMMANDO: What shorts? oh, you mean the ones i wore underneath my pants the sleepover night? you'll have to pay..
FNN: I already paid....you have my shorts!
COMMANDO: Shorts are not recognized as a form of currency..what effin country are u from FNN, seriously?! i wanna go there so u can pay my way in 'shorts'..that'd be awesome.
FNN: I've been drinking again so excuse my language, but I wanna be on you lol
COMMANDO: u suck at changing subjects. true story.
FNN: lol u know u like it.
COMMANDO: Sure. I like it like i want a handfull of habenero peppers stuffed up my snatch
FNN: That could be hot.
COMMANDO: Did u really wanna see me cry, u twisted sadist?!
FNN: hmmmm.... maybe lol
COMMANDO: Ur going to hell.
FNN: Nope. I provide salvation.
COMMANDO: U can't provide salvation thru torchure..who taught u how to be a savior?! Did u read a 'Salvation For Dummies' book?!
FNN: Nope. I don't do religion.
COMMANDO: Didn't think so, u back alley salvationalist! ur still going to hell
FNN: And you are coming with me.
COMMANDO: To hell, of course. I'll probably be driving the bus! Ur job will be to give me road head during our decend
FNN: Shouldn't it be the other way around when mentioning road head?
COMMANDO: No. it can be done. I've been on the receiving end of some amazing road head before. Maybe we could practice so that when we die, you'll be ready ;D
FNN: Im down for that
COMMANDO: You'll have to get in line..apparently, there are several others ahead of u who want 2 blow me while i'm driving the hellbound bus of death
FNN: I should be jumped up since im leaving soon
COMMANDO: aren't u leaving in march? that should be plenty of time 4 me 2 weed out the inexperienced oral divers before u..it's an arduous task, u know...
FNN: my dates got pushed up. i have to be there in march and im going home for all of feb.
COMMANDO: oh well that just fucked up the system of everything now didn't it?
FNN: That's what i'm saying. thats why i shuld be pushed up on the list
COMMANDO: it's not a list..it's a line & i'm not sure how the other line members will react 2 ur linejumping..there might be a coup
FNN: That's cool. your loss lol
COMMANDO: I'm just sayin u might have 2 fight off a few of them! are u not tough enough?!
FNN: Is the prize really worth that much?
COMMANDO: ha! apparently not if cg1 (creepy guy 1) stopped stalking me lolz
I'm gonna go jump off a bridge or choke to death on my tongue now lolz
FNN: Why?
COMMANDO: Because even cg doesn't want this hot mess nemores..what's worse? admitting that u pity-fucked a loser or having that same loser turn u down?
FNN: i wouldn't know..u haven't thrown me a pity fuck yet..
COMMANDO: I think I've retired from pity-fuckin 4 a minute after that last blow 2 my already nonexistent ego
FNN: Guess im outta luck then
COMMANDO: Sorry homie..hate me now?
FNN: Nah. just a few shattered dreams
COMMANDO: Sometimes dreams are better left in dream land and not acted out in real life..a little fuckin bird told me that once
FNN: I guess u don't have 2 worry about adjusting ur line then
COMMANDO: Don't be a h8r, captain guilt trip
FNN: Im just sayin
COMMANDO: Next time u think about just sayin something, run it by ur new buddy cg b4 u text it to me
FNN: You should be choked out for calling cg my friend
COMMANDO: Oh there u go again with that love talk, FNN...are we dating? I'm loving how far u let me get in these ridiculous text convos b4 u threaten me..it's cute.
FNN: lol dating? i just wanna see u naked again lol
COMMANDO: when did u see me naked to begin with??
FNN: my house when u stole my shorts
COMMANDO: funny, i thought i was already wearing those shorts underneath my pants because they were mine to begin with! ha!
FNN: ha. i don't think so!
COMMANDO: no seriously..what parts did u see??
FNN: Well, i saw where u have hair and where u don't ;D
COMMANDO: Who doesn't shave their lady bits these days? I mean would u still be interested if i had the same sonic the hedgehog hair style going on down there?
FNN: Maybe, just for the craziness factor though and my mouth would not go near the craziness
COMMANDO: Oh yeah? i thought u wanted a lil taste of this craziness since u obviously don't get enough of it in these texts..
FNN: Not if it looks like a hedgehog lol
COMMANDO: makes sense..udon't wanna shake hands witha prickly handed governor
FNN: NOPE.
Yes I still have his fuckin shorts and hell no he's not gettin them back!! As soon as I figure out how to upload pics, I'll post a few of the 'stolen booty' HAHAHA
g'niter.
I've gotta share this textastic textversation I had with a friend earlier today..we'll call him 'FALSE, Nig Nog,' or 'FNN' for short..He let me borrow a pair of his navy blue jogging shorts 2 weeks ago during a drunken marine sleepover..He's since accused me of stealing them, however, he obviously isn't aware of one of the clearly important unspoken rules of drinking and sleepovers..I believe it's rule no 527b..And it states:
If home owner has intentionally invited still awake party goers to drunkedly stumble from one apartment 20 steps away into their apartment for a sleepover in his bed at 0613am, 3 hours before said EOD graduation, they must also provide said company with sleepover clothes to sleep in..ie: SHORTS, sweat pants, shirt, lingerie, ect..
Yes, I do believe that's how that rule is written exactly
FNN: I want my shorts back.
COMMANDO: What shorts? oh, you mean the ones i wore underneath my pants the sleepover night? you'll have to pay..
FNN: I already paid....you have my shorts!
COMMANDO: Shorts are not recognized as a form of currency..what effin country are u from FNN, seriously?! i wanna go there so u can pay my way in 'shorts'..that'd be awesome.
FNN: I've been drinking again so excuse my language, but I wanna be on you lol
COMMANDO: u suck at changing subjects. true story.
FNN: lol u know u like it.
COMMANDO: Sure. I like it like i want a handfull of habenero peppers stuffed up my snatch
FNN: That could be hot.
COMMANDO: Did u really wanna see me cry, u twisted sadist?!
FNN: hmmmm.... maybe lol
COMMANDO: Ur going to hell.
FNN: Nope. I provide salvation.
COMMANDO: U can't provide salvation thru torchure..who taught u how to be a savior?! Did u read a 'Salvation For Dummies' book?!
FNN: Nope. I don't do religion.
COMMANDO: Didn't think so, u back alley salvationalist! ur still going to hell
FNN: And you are coming with me.
COMMANDO: To hell, of course. I'll probably be driving the bus! Ur job will be to give me road head during our decend
FNN: Shouldn't it be the other way around when mentioning road head?
COMMANDO: No. it can be done. I've been on the receiving end of some amazing road head before. Maybe we could practice so that when we die, you'll be ready ;D
FNN: Im down for that
COMMANDO: You'll have to get in line..apparently, there are several others ahead of u who want 2 blow me while i'm driving the hellbound bus of death
FNN: I should be jumped up since im leaving soon
COMMANDO: aren't u leaving in march? that should be plenty of time 4 me 2 weed out the inexperienced oral divers before u..it's an arduous task, u know...
FNN: my dates got pushed up. i have to be there in march and im going home for all of feb.
COMMANDO: oh well that just fucked up the system of everything now didn't it?
FNN: That's what i'm saying. thats why i shuld be pushed up on the list
COMMANDO: it's not a list..it's a line & i'm not sure how the other line members will react 2 ur linejumping..there might be a coup
FNN: That's cool. your loss lol
COMMANDO: I'm just sayin u might have 2 fight off a few of them! are u not tough enough?!
FNN: Is the prize really worth that much?
COMMANDO: ha! apparently not if cg1 (creepy guy 1) stopped stalking me lolz
I'm gonna go jump off a bridge or choke to death on my tongue now lolz
FNN: Why?
COMMANDO: Because even cg doesn't want this hot mess nemores..what's worse? admitting that u pity-fucked a loser or having that same loser turn u down?
FNN: i wouldn't know..u haven't thrown me a pity fuck yet..
COMMANDO: I think I've retired from pity-fuckin 4 a minute after that last blow 2 my already nonexistent ego
FNN: Guess im outta luck then
COMMANDO: Sorry homie..hate me now?
FNN: Nah. just a few shattered dreams
COMMANDO: Sometimes dreams are better left in dream land and not acted out in real life..a little fuckin bird told me that once
FNN: I guess u don't have 2 worry about adjusting ur line then
COMMANDO: Don't be a h8r, captain guilt trip
FNN: Im just sayin
COMMANDO: Next time u think about just sayin something, run it by ur new buddy cg b4 u text it to me
FNN: You should be choked out for calling cg my friend
COMMANDO: Oh there u go again with that love talk, FNN...are we dating? I'm loving how far u let me get in these ridiculous text convos b4 u threaten me..it's cute.
FNN: lol dating? i just wanna see u naked again lol
COMMANDO: when did u see me naked to begin with??
FNN: my house when u stole my shorts
COMMANDO: funny, i thought i was already wearing those shorts underneath my pants because they were mine to begin with! ha!
FNN: ha. i don't think so!
COMMANDO: no seriously..what parts did u see??
FNN: Well, i saw where u have hair and where u don't ;D
COMMANDO: Who doesn't shave their lady bits these days? I mean would u still be interested if i had the same sonic the hedgehog hair style going on down there?
FNN: Maybe, just for the craziness factor though and my mouth would not go near the craziness
COMMANDO: Oh yeah? i thought u wanted a lil taste of this craziness since u obviously don't get enough of it in these texts..
FNN: Not if it looks like a hedgehog lol
COMMANDO: makes sense..udon't wanna shake hands witha prickly handed governor
FNN: NOPE.
Yes I still have his fuckin shorts and hell no he's not gettin them back!! As soon as I figure out how to upload pics, I'll post a few of the 'stolen booty' HAHAHA
g'niter.
Cleaning all of Mav's 1,000 sq ft of desk and 13,000 trillion ink bottles has most definitely been the highlight of my week thus far..Yes, all of the paperwork, cds, various containers, tattoo novelties, photos and 10 layers of dust have been meticulously removed/polished with alcohol/windex/madacide and carefully rearranged in a ROY G BIV pattern..
For all of you who haven't revelled in the delight of doing such an arduous task as this, let me explain that it's got all the appeal of me running into a Catholic church on Easter Sunday with my pants around my ankles, jumping atop the pulpit, bending over and demonstrating how to use anal beads to a crowd of horrified church folk..Really..I've had more fun at the dentist's office!
And I'm sure that once he returns from his bike ride (cause it's nice out today) he'll move everything back to where it originally was..Ahhhhhhhh, apprenticeship, how I love thee
For all of you who haven't revelled in the delight of doing such an arduous task as this, let me explain that it's got all the appeal of me running into a Catholic church on Easter Sunday with my pants around my ankles, jumping atop the pulpit, bending over and demonstrating how to use anal beads to a crowd of horrified church folk..Really..I've had more fun at the dentist's office!
And I'm sure that once he returns from his bike ride (cause it's nice out today) he'll move everything back to where it originally was..Ahhhhhhhh, apprenticeship, how I love thee
Children say the craziest things, don't they? My roomate, Kira however, is not a child..She's 23.
..And she undoubtedly paralyzed the entire staff, customers and possibly a few peeps walking by Maverick's Tattoo shop in their tracks with this gem of an answer..So here's the scenario:
Maverick's balls deep in the middle of an extensive arm piece and chatting along with his customer (as usual)..Kira and I are standing by watching him tattoo and adding our two cents to whatever story or joke Mav's talking about (especially if we were a part of the story)..There were also two friends/relatives that the customer brought along with them sitting across from us..
As he pauses to wipe a blurb of blood and ink, he casually asks everyone, "So do any of you know what sex position makes the ugliest babies?" He continues tattooing while waiting for an answer..Without hesitating, Kira curiously blurts out, "I dunno Mav, anal sex?"
"Why don't you ask your parents? ooooh buurn..Hold on a sec..Kira, did you just say butt sex makes ugly babies?!' I think the world stopped rotating for a good 10 seconds there..Maverick sets down his shader as a roar of laughter escapes the room..
I jump in with a "Seriously?! If you're gettin knocked up from anal, Kira, you might wanna see your gyno"..
And so every time any of us mentions this quaint ice breaker, Kira's 'anal sex question' is thrown in there just for shits n giggles..good times..i fuckin love my roomie!!
..And she undoubtedly paralyzed the entire staff, customers and possibly a few peeps walking by Maverick's Tattoo shop in their tracks with this gem of an answer..So here's the scenario:
Maverick's balls deep in the middle of an extensive arm piece and chatting along with his customer (as usual)..Kira and I are standing by watching him tattoo and adding our two cents to whatever story or joke Mav's talking about (especially if we were a part of the story)..There were also two friends/relatives that the customer brought along with them sitting across from us..
As he pauses to wipe a blurb of blood and ink, he casually asks everyone, "So do any of you know what sex position makes the ugliest babies?" He continues tattooing while waiting for an answer..Without hesitating, Kira curiously blurts out, "I dunno Mav, anal sex?"
"Why don't you ask your parents? ooooh buurn..Hold on a sec..Kira, did you just say butt sex makes ugly babies?!' I think the world stopped rotating for a good 10 seconds there..Maverick sets down his shader as a roar of laughter escapes the room..
I jump in with a "Seriously?! If you're gettin knocked up from anal, Kira, you might wanna see your gyno"..
And so every time any of us mentions this quaint ice breaker, Kira's 'anal sex question' is thrown in there just for shits n giggles..good times..i fuckin love my roomie!!
