i am A QUEUED WOMAN again! oh wow it made me feel better to see that. ive been checking it hourly. i freely admit im obsessive/compulsive, but only about certain things.
only certain things.
i will be so happy when my set goes up live; it will be a real good smackaroo right in the face for my ex. i am not a vindictive person. i kind of like to pretend i am sometimes, and sometimes i find myself in situations where i HAVE to try to play the Tough Girl Takes No Shit Chews Up Nails And Spits Out Carpet Tacks... but... its not me. whoever i am, i am not mean.
but the son of a bitch im referring to; nick, my soon-to-be ex husband, hurt me in just about every way a person can be hurt. and he did it without a second thought. and i recall one of the last conversations we had (we havent even spoken in months), i mentioned i was going to submit a set to the suicidegirls and how did he feel about that? at first he was positive. a day later, he was all kinds of negative; calling me names, pushing all my buttons because he knows me so well he knows exactly where to push and how hard. he always knew me because i never wanted it any other way. i wanted him to be capable of trusting me completely to the end. to hell, if necessary. i would have followed him through hell.
in some ways, i suppose i did.
but i was very (un)surprised by his reaction, actually. i know him a little bit too after all this time. not as well as he knows me; not even in the ballpark, but i know him a little. enough. i knew what he was thinking. this, all this, all these beautiful, striking, intimate, intelligent, stunning, NAKED, women were supposed to be for HIM. this was HIS toy. i was supposed to disapprove and purse my lips and call it porn and start a fight. i think i caught him off his guard a little. im glad. its not easy to catch nick ****** off his guard. he is very good at manipulation and an excellent liar. he has, in fact, become SO good at bait and switch, at conning women, that i wonder if he is even aware of the extent of the damage he leaves behind him and never bothers to clean up.
so it will be a private victory for me to go live; to be on here, to have the personal satisfaction of knowing he can click on 'browse girls', type in zombette, and see everything he cant have anymore.
that is selfish. that is pride. but i have precious little left of my own personality after all this mess of a marriage; and my feelings toward him are not pleasant. i cannot say i wish him well and godspeed. i cannot say i hope he finds happiness.
to my credit, i guess, i wish i COULD say those things with honesty, but i cant. i want a little revenge, in my own way. i held him when he was going through withdrawal. i spoon-fed him when he was sick. i routinely rubbed his back with rubbing alcohol and cotton balls because it gave him pleasure. i bought him little things. silly things that wouldnt mean anything to anyone but us. all i ever wanted was for him to love me as much as i loved him.
and i lost.
it is harder than you can realize for me to come right out and say that.
i lost.
but ive accepted it.
can i move on from this? i cant answer that. he took too much away from me. no, thats not really fair, i suppose. i GAVE him too much of me. i honestly cant say what i have left to give to anyone else.
i truly and completely and blindly believed that he and i were Meant for each other. that it was Fate. that we were Soulmates. how else, i asked myself so many times, could i explain the last ten years.
yep, we have ten years in. not together, but ten years of flirting and forbidden fruit and neglect and success and finally failure. he has been my obsession/love/dream for my entire adult life.
can i let that go as soon as the divorce papers are signed and the 60 or 90 or whatever days have passed and everything is finalized and wrapped up all nice and pretty with a bow on top? no, of course not. i dont know how long it will take me to regain all the ground i lost in myself when i was with him.
we fed off of each other. we enabled each other. he put the pills on my tongue and said 'body of christ' and i made the sign of the cross. we destroyed together because nobody wants to die alone.
i think he knew that long before i did. i just figured it out a few months ago. after being deserted by the person you treasured above all others; it forces you to rethink a few things you took for granted as truths. and ive been lying to myself for years.
i wouldnt mind having sex again. that would be lovely. just... to feel hands on my skin, all over my skin. to have someone i want look at me with lust. that would be pleasant. it has been a very long time. but i would feel like i was cheating.
and i have never cheated in my life.
it would be confusing and i would drive myself insane with questions of Right and Wrong even though the two really dont exist. ive only been with three men. all three told me they loved me and wanted to marry me. the last one did. and look what happened.
and i cant even use the excuse Well, we were kids, you know.
we werent kids. i was 25 and so was he. that seems to me to be old enough to make major life decisions without fucking up so bad you end up homeless and dead inside.
not that he is either. i am sure he is fine fine fine. in fact, hes probably inside some other girl right now.
god. im making myself sick.
only certain things.
i will be so happy when my set goes up live; it will be a real good smackaroo right in the face for my ex. i am not a vindictive person. i kind of like to pretend i am sometimes, and sometimes i find myself in situations where i HAVE to try to play the Tough Girl Takes No Shit Chews Up Nails And Spits Out Carpet Tacks... but... its not me. whoever i am, i am not mean.
but the son of a bitch im referring to; nick, my soon-to-be ex husband, hurt me in just about every way a person can be hurt. and he did it without a second thought. and i recall one of the last conversations we had (we havent even spoken in months), i mentioned i was going to submit a set to the suicidegirls and how did he feel about that? at first he was positive. a day later, he was all kinds of negative; calling me names, pushing all my buttons because he knows me so well he knows exactly where to push and how hard. he always knew me because i never wanted it any other way. i wanted him to be capable of trusting me completely to the end. to hell, if necessary. i would have followed him through hell.
in some ways, i suppose i did.
but i was very (un)surprised by his reaction, actually. i know him a little bit too after all this time. not as well as he knows me; not even in the ballpark, but i know him a little. enough. i knew what he was thinking. this, all this, all these beautiful, striking, intimate, intelligent, stunning, NAKED, women were supposed to be for HIM. this was HIS toy. i was supposed to disapprove and purse my lips and call it porn and start a fight. i think i caught him off his guard a little. im glad. its not easy to catch nick ****** off his guard. he is very good at manipulation and an excellent liar. he has, in fact, become SO good at bait and switch, at conning women, that i wonder if he is even aware of the extent of the damage he leaves behind him and never bothers to clean up.
so it will be a private victory for me to go live; to be on here, to have the personal satisfaction of knowing he can click on 'browse girls', type in zombette, and see everything he cant have anymore.
that is selfish. that is pride. but i have precious little left of my own personality after all this mess of a marriage; and my feelings toward him are not pleasant. i cannot say i wish him well and godspeed. i cannot say i hope he finds happiness.
to my credit, i guess, i wish i COULD say those things with honesty, but i cant. i want a little revenge, in my own way. i held him when he was going through withdrawal. i spoon-fed him when he was sick. i routinely rubbed his back with rubbing alcohol and cotton balls because it gave him pleasure. i bought him little things. silly things that wouldnt mean anything to anyone but us. all i ever wanted was for him to love me as much as i loved him.
and i lost.
it is harder than you can realize for me to come right out and say that.
i lost.
but ive accepted it.
can i move on from this? i cant answer that. he took too much away from me. no, thats not really fair, i suppose. i GAVE him too much of me. i honestly cant say what i have left to give to anyone else.
i truly and completely and blindly believed that he and i were Meant for each other. that it was Fate. that we were Soulmates. how else, i asked myself so many times, could i explain the last ten years.
yep, we have ten years in. not together, but ten years of flirting and forbidden fruit and neglect and success and finally failure. he has been my obsession/love/dream for my entire adult life.
can i let that go as soon as the divorce papers are signed and the 60 or 90 or whatever days have passed and everything is finalized and wrapped up all nice and pretty with a bow on top? no, of course not. i dont know how long it will take me to regain all the ground i lost in myself when i was with him.
we fed off of each other. we enabled each other. he put the pills on my tongue and said 'body of christ' and i made the sign of the cross. we destroyed together because nobody wants to die alone.
i think he knew that long before i did. i just figured it out a few months ago. after being deserted by the person you treasured above all others; it forces you to rethink a few things you took for granted as truths. and ive been lying to myself for years.
i wouldnt mind having sex again. that would be lovely. just... to feel hands on my skin, all over my skin. to have someone i want look at me with lust. that would be pleasant. it has been a very long time. but i would feel like i was cheating.
and i have never cheated in my life.
it would be confusing and i would drive myself insane with questions of Right and Wrong even though the two really dont exist. ive only been with three men. all three told me they loved me and wanted to marry me. the last one did. and look what happened.
and i cant even use the excuse Well, we were kids, you know.
we werent kids. i was 25 and so was he. that seems to me to be old enough to make major life decisions without fucking up so bad you end up homeless and dead inside.
not that he is either. i am sure he is fine fine fine. in fact, hes probably inside some other girl right now.
god. im making myself sick.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Very eloquent. You concisely state the harsh reality that one faces when going through a breakup. I wouldn't be surprised if many people would nod at your words and know them to be truth; I know this applies to what I was going through during a terribly messy breakup of my own several months ago.
I hope you feel better, that releasing your doubts and anger onto the written page helps ya feel less of that in real life.
Please don't feel that you are cheating on your ex if you do things he wouldn't approve of (including meeting new boys). One of the wonderful things I discovered was that I didn't have to consider myself in relation to my horrid ex anymore; likewise, your self-image should not be primarily influenced by the ex (one hopes he's more of a footnote, now). You don't have to compare his values and desires to yours, and try to hold his wants up as some sort of standard you are obligated to. In time the need to have a daily dose of joy at his misfortune or the impulse to feel despair when he appears to be succeeding at something, anything, will also fade. Hopefully, the need to know this person that in previous times gave the illusion that you knew all there was to know will fade. These are lessons I learned as I was putting myself back together after my breakup.
I can only hope you can glean some small sense of encouragement from my basically anonymous comment on your blog. Good luck! You deserve to feel good.