vervain______

i am
on the edge
but i hear nothing
i wait
my breath
no longer mine
there is light here
no color
i hear the door
being open
by the breeze
i shift
i turn
my life
stopped
i live
for another
my action
is removed
from
my own
i have split
in two

he has brought me back
i remember why
i am
alive.

in the rain
i want to walk
in
until i'm
soaked
until i'm
dripping
wet
i want
the rain
or other
things
because
i can't
have them
and
the longing
continues
i add wood
to that fire
until
my heart
breaks
until i
revisit
that
familiar
longing
for
the
past.

1 am.
thanks, viva.

damn, viva, where did you go?
?

was there a question about your life
or your death?
yes.

one hot night
my son and i fell asleep together
we were so close we were sticking.
i decided to get up and take a walk
up the hill
past the cemetary
in the dark.
two men grabbed me from the entrance of the canal walk.
one stabbed me, the other watched.
my spirit...
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waking up to an empty house. quiet. the air conditioner cranking. 10:16.

i don't
want
to
burn
this
out
shove this
down.
moments
like these
take talent,
restraint.
but not
too much.
how would i
know
what the
formula is?
what have i
done
that gives me
the right?
i have ideas.
i spell horribly.
i answer
to the sound
of crying
day in
and day
out.
i try to
silence it,
make it
better.
but this...
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light show last night. incredible fireworks (and noise) the sky was lit, there was smoke and paper casings everywhere. the babe slept through it all. and here it is, not even the fourth. i can only hope that the proceeding nights will be a little more tame (right.) what else to say? not much. there is a kind of tension in the air, a kind...
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this is
the way
i would
prefer it,
he said,
us
each
in our
seperate
corner
like in
a
boxing
match.
i
am
finally
at the
onset
of
indifference.
i am quiet,
seemingly
yielding,
to his
limited
sensibilities.
you might
call them
games,
i said
but it is
merely
weariness.
games
are for
those
with energy
or fun
about
them.
this round
you must
battle...
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hah! my hair is gone. hello, summer. what an amazing feeling to feel the wind on one's scalp. many women don't know what they're missing. it was actually spontaneous. first one chunk gone, and then another. soon about an inch all around remained. i asked hubs what he thought about it (keeping in mind he has already seen this at other times, along with about...
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when? where? how?

coffee and a teeth cleaning. lack of sleep, impatiance. no tenderness. i am sorry, my son. my limit has almost been reached. i am sick of your tugging. i am sick of your whining. i try so hard. thankless, not exactly. i do what i can to get through it.