to pick up the sword and liberate what ills one internally...
i have been very tormented. peace has been distant. i have been counseled to go inside. to be silent. to shut off the goddamn t.v.
there is breath in this advice.
i have longed to be away from the moment... an indicator of my imbalance. i have been pining for the past. a foolish...
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i have been very tormented. peace has been distant. i have been counseled to go inside. to be silent. to shut off the goddamn t.v.
there is breath in this advice.
i have longed to be away from the moment... an indicator of my imbalance. i have been pining for the past. a foolish...
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y:
I understand that. I've had identical thoughts to those over the years.
routine disrupted. my bones are weary. couldn't get myself out to get a coffee. i also plan on taking a nap with the babe today. coffee injested will not let that happen. so...i move in slow motion, which allows me to enjoy kid's games much more. i clap to the songs, roll a ball across the floor to him, hide it in the mailbox.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
billyfivecrows:
Yeah... I feel ya.
Sometimes the coffee doesn't work the way I want it to. It's like, "Okay. Now not only am I slow and tired, I'm also twitchy and nervous!"
Sometimes the coffee doesn't work the way I want it to. It's like, "Okay. Now not only am I slow and tired, I'm also twitchy and nervous!"
y:
I thought you meant I was cute for calling your style strong 'n' melancholy 
Oh well. Wait a minute, wait a minute - does this mean I'm not cute 
I loved your previous entry. I can see why you thought about becoming a nun. I'm meditative in the same sort of way. I've often thought about becoming a monk over the years. But I'm an artist to the bone! And I have authority issues.
Your boy sounds quite contrary. Like Mary, Mary
An answer will come, no doubt.
Oh well. Wait a minute, wait a minute - does this mean I'm not cute
I loved your previous entry. I can see why you thought about becoming a nun. I'm meditative in the same sort of way. I've often thought about becoming a monk over the years. But I'm an artist to the bone! And I have authority issues.
Your boy sounds quite contrary. Like Mary, Mary
An answer will come, no doubt.
the blueberry stains look like bruises on his skin. when i see them, hours later, my heart flips in my chest, running down its inventory of how the slight happened. it is a minute later i say aloud to remind myself "blueberries." then i rest. today, blueberry scones in the morning. his thumb looks as if it had been squeezed to bruising.
i stood outside...
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i stood outside...
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billyfivecrows:
You can lead a boy to fluff... but you can't make him fluffy!!!
(I shouldn't talk! I have like 20 stuffed animals!
)
This is another lovely piece of writing. Thanks for sharing. Have you ever read Louise Gluck?
Oh... in regards to our messaging. Thank you for being so open. I appreciate the ear and the friendship...
You know what? After all that being said, I feel quit happy and warm. Sure, I don't feel completely content, but that's just anticipation. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'll be ready, it will be easy, and the best thing for all involved.
Thanks again. 
Drop me a line anytime...
-bfc
(I shouldn't talk! I have like 20 stuffed animals!
)
This is another lovely piece of writing. Thanks for sharing. Have you ever read Louise Gluck?
Oh... in regards to our messaging. Thank you for being so open. I appreciate the ear and the friendship...
You know what? After all that being said, I feel quit happy and warm. Sure, I don't feel completely content, but that's just anticipation. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'll be ready, it will be easy, and the best thing for all involved.
Thanks again.
Drop me a line anytime...
-bfc
xani:
thanks for leaving a comment on my writing it means a lot to me.
why not wack a tree with a stick. we all have agression. i'm glad he's unleashing it safely.
why not wack a tree with a stick. we all have agression. i'm glad he's unleashing it safely.
it was small. it made me smile. lead on the page, it sat near there ,wanting more than it had been given. so i gave it a larger audience. a mother always thinks she knows what's best. people will talk. they always have. meanwhile, i let myself out. i had the proper key to unlock the door, and i moved skyward. nothing is as it...
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you are fragile, but don't break. it isn't worth it.
next day. raining. hard.
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kingskottie:
rain rain go away! 
billyfivecrows:
It's like Hawaii weather here! Sunny and mild.
But, if you don't like the weather in Georgia, give it 10 minutes and it'll change.
It's usually humid as fuck, and in the high 90's. This mild weather is a blessing.
Hope it stops raining soon for ya.
But, if you don't like the weather in Georgia, give it 10 minutes and it'll change.
It's usually humid as fuck, and in the high 90's. This mild weather is a blessing.
Hope it stops raining soon for ya.
i get it. she said. your lonley. you act tough, but your breaking. where do we go from here, all i have is an idea of happiness. the right colors, a catchy design. i draw upon my past for kindness. the nights are black and pressing. there is no where to sleep. my mother was killed. there is no place to hide. the leaves have...
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billyfivecrows:
This piece is quite touching. Happy-Sad. An awkward way to put it, but that's what comes to mind at the moment.
And you're right... I couldn't just drop by!
It's this whole "virtual reality" thing of the internet... sometimes... it just feels so real... 
(Hey! You've got Henry Fool on your Films list... I love that movie.)
And you're right... I couldn't just drop by!
It's this whole "virtual reality" thing of the internet... sometimes... it just feels so real...
(Hey! You've got Henry Fool on your Films list... I love that movie.)
billyfivecrows:
Eh. You're spellings not that bad. I got the intent of the piece. That's what counts.
Yeah. I do know what you mean. Most of my friendships in "real life" over the last few years have splintered and dissipated. I'm in a (semi)long distance relationship whose status is in limbo after three years of ups and downs. I've been nursing my mom through 3 surgeries the past few months.
So... yes. They feel real, the friendships I've made here. Real enough sometimes to make me really feel the depth of my lonliness.
Edited because my spelling sucks sometimes. too!
[Edited on Jun 06, 2006 8:00PM]
Yeah. I do know what you mean. Most of my friendships in "real life" over the last few years have splintered and dissipated. I'm in a (semi)long distance relationship whose status is in limbo after three years of ups and downs. I've been nursing my mom through 3 surgeries the past few months.
So... yes. They feel real, the friendships I've made here. Real enough sometimes to make me really feel the depth of my lonliness.
Edited because my spelling sucks sometimes. too!
[Edited on Jun 06, 2006 8:00PM]
cooking dinner for my father tonight. stuffed shells, which is not vegan. i almost nearly am but i refuse to force anyone into liking tofu if they just can't swing it. though i am sick of seeing people's disgust or hearing it verbally. my aunt, a definate rocket scientist, said, "oh i couldn't do that!" i responded with, "don't worry, your not alone. not many...
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billyfivecrows:
Pass it over here... I'll eat it!
(I'm an "opportunivore". I'll eat whatever ya got!
And I love tofu...)
(I'm an "opportunivore". I'll eat whatever ya got!
And I love tofu...)
backpaddling. the new story, one constructed out of ease, grounded, with only a small chance of flight. a life is short. i will be reborn. but what, next time? this is no excuse to waste the present life, it is only a strong feeling, as i have been many people in the past and this present formation is more substantial, easier to see and understand....
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
y:
I feel that real Christianity is pretty much a pagan thing. In the sense that the Christ is in nature - is nature, the Earth. I think people are wrong to believe that Christianity usurped paganism and turned the old Gods into Chritian ones because they were a pack of bastards. I think the early Christians knew perfectly well that the 'old' gods were real; they only changed the Gods' names and altered their image in order to show them in a new light, in the light of the Christ since the event on Golgotha.
God is in the present moment, in every little tiresome thing.
Your rosary sounds pretty. I like the wooden ones for some reason. Wood seems like a Christian material.
God is in the present moment, in every little tiresome thing.
Your rosary sounds pretty. I like the wooden ones for some reason. Wood seems like a Christian material.
meta:
haha, yes, no person willingly living in Rhode Island can possibly be a non-douchebag.
i was hungry, so i ate. i was thirsty, so i drank. now i am here, almost optimistic. which brings me to a nice lead in. radiohead has a song called optimistic, which is funny almost, since the band's music and general feel is quite the opposite. the main chorus is "f you try the best you can, if you try the best you can,...
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go ahead,
be innocent.
it still
won't stop them.
they will
track mud
on your
clean floor.
the one you broke
your back to shine,
on hands and knees,
one rag in hand.
they will still
want something
from you.
a small bit to
throw in their
deep cavern,
a penny
in a
wishing well.
(don't take it all so personally.)
does it help to...
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be innocent.
it still
won't stop them.
they will
track mud
on your
clean floor.
the one you broke
your back to shine,
on hands and knees,
one rag in hand.
they will still
want something
from you.
a small bit to
throw in their
deep cavern,
a penny
in a
wishing well.
(don't take it all so personally.)
does it help to...
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y:
You're good, you know that?
y:
You don't know how glad I am to hear that.
I love so-called coincidences. I just happen to be making my own set of rosary beads at the moment. I've been whittling the beads from a dry stick I picked up on a walk the other day. I've never prayed the rosary before, but I like prayer; and seeing as how I wasn't brought up Christian or religious, I feel like I need something to focus on to get me started. I tried to buy a rosary but the company went weird and didn't send it; gave me a refund. It was a Tau cross rosary, the Franciscan one. And I can't find any others online. So I'm making my own! And enjoying it; except I have blisters cause my hand isn't used to wielding a knife for whittling (or any other reason
)
How're things with you? Not great?
I love so-called coincidences. I just happen to be making my own set of rosary beads at the moment. I've been whittling the beads from a dry stick I picked up on a walk the other day. I've never prayed the rosary before, but I like prayer; and seeing as how I wasn't brought up Christian or religious, I feel like I need something to focus on to get me started. I tried to buy a rosary but the company went weird and didn't send it; gave me a refund. It was a Tau cross rosary, the Franciscan one. And I can't find any others online. So I'm making my own! And enjoying it; except I have blisters cause my hand isn't used to wielding a knife for whittling (or any other reason
)
How're things with you? Not great?
if you are searching for something, you will find it. and if you don't, you are sure to find a good replacement. don't worry about the details, they are not important. focus, instead, upon the journey, the stretch of your own longing, the breaking of your own heart, the quieting (finally) of the mind.
the men are all over the roof like ants. they shout...
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the men are all over the roof like ants. they shout...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
billyfivecrows:
Vivid. Lovely.
huck:
"the quieting (finally) of the mind"
how we yearn for this
how we yearn for this