vervain______

and why
should i be
surprised?
(but i am)
anything can
happen
(it has,
it does)
in love.

going back to
that armour
i see it
have seen it
before
(off he goes)
there is one
house for
that.
one room.
no company
on that
ride.
(i don't
even try)

sleep?

sleep.

could it be enough?
one pillow
two pillows
a soft bed?
i had a place
to rest my head
but i didn't always
rest. with bats in my
eyes i thought
about death
endings
beginnings.
i stood on that edge
to look down.
the wind blew up
all around
but i had
no hair to get lost
in.

green grass
the white fence and
we are talking. inbetween the swing
push
i say "aren't the days long?
mine are."
she stares.
"yeah."
my hand comes up
pushes him
stays up
contact
again.
some are becoming pregnant
a second time, one a third.
one is due in february.
another is on fertility drugs.
that one is tired and doesn't give a
damn. she doesn't...
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i am not such
a sacrificial lamb.
when my body
says write,
i write.
(i hope he understands)
and will i move
so far away
that my father
cannot show him
how to drill
the drill?
bang two boards
together
and make
something?
but he will make
his own,
i know.

i know
it was his words
that held you up,
carried you around
better
than
your own legs
could.
i don't dislike you
for it.
(and what would it matter
if i did? only more of the
same)
i have had
my own struggles.
my own weakness.
if i could
i would
hold you up.
if i could
without my own
drowning,
certainly.


coming out...
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the wall is too hard
i should have known
or it is too late.
i could have
brushed my teeth
prepared lunches.
i could have
should have
done a lot of things.
but no,
i am here and
sometimes
i am
there
only
to return again,
sick from my flight
hurt from the landing.

a moment.


end,
to end.
clear that slate.
shoot em up,
but don't kill anyone.
what was it you said?
losing,
lost.
those words,
that bed.

rising too
that
there.
i see my isolation
i feel my tears from
the bottom of my heart.
what now?
what now?
(part of me wants to
know.)

how do you do
the dishes?
one dish
at a time.
but how do you
do the dishes?
one dish.
how could i do them
otherwise?
mountains of them
behind me...
in front of me
(possibly)
one dish
at a time.

time for shutting the windows. starting to feel cold
now. his blue curtains are doing it again, getting inside me.
blue room. blue daze, the moment just before the sleeping.
two calls came in. my mother, my sister. how was your night?
and how are things? well and well. this and this. something something.
he forgave me for the disturbance. he layed down like a...
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