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unnecessaryz

Member Since 2003

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Tuesday Jun 29, 2004

Jun 29, 2004
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Blakka-Boom! I'm Somebody's Ex-Husband!

When I finally called the courthouse recently to get the final ruling on my divorce, I realized something that said a lot about the perfect failure that was my marriage: I was more nervous and excited about the ruling than I was about the day I said "I do."

Relationships are a scary thing in the way they creep up on you and change your life too slowly for you to notice until it's way, way too late.

The first step in sealing your inevitable doom is to get along with someone. Nothing sucks more than getting along with someone. Mostly because it skews your ability to think about the future in an cold rational way. Why envision an impossibly shitty life with someone when you've never even thought about eating a bullet rather than face another day with that person? Don't worry. It's not your fault. The only people that would be prepared for something like that are people who've already been married once, rich people with smart lawyers, and ex-Vietnam POWs who can no longer enter a grocery store without knowing where the nearest exits are and which fat old lady could be eaten to survive.

The second enemy in the war on happiness is comfort. If you stay with someone long enough, you become comfortable, and comfort leads to laziness and complacency. You become capable of enduring someone else's endless bullshit assaults because you have a nice couch and a big TV. And since drifting is a common result of being lectured at, you'll probably even be thinking "Well, this pretty much sucks, but it beats the tar out of not having that Playstation 2 I got from the wedding." You become afraid of how difficult it might be without that other person's support instead of thinking how totally awesome it would be if they weren't even there. Look at it this way: You may have to buy a new TV when you breakup, but how great can your current one be when the volume is constantly blocked out by ultra-sonic complaining?

Self esteem is the third uppercut to the jaw of freedom. There was no place in the world I felt shittier about the way I looked than in my own house. Since we stopped hanging out with each other in any way after about three years, I started showing up at a lot of places stag. This in turn lead to a renewed interest in me by the opposite sex...and also some members of the same sex. This did wonders for my self esteem and I figured it would translate well in my relationship. But whenever I came home feeling hot, I was just shot down and made to feel like a fat bald idiot once again. After awhile, one would think that I'd start to invest my assets in the time honored tradition of fucking other people. But since I'm generally an all around honorable guy (read: idiot) I was able to resist temptation. My advice at this point is: if you start to kick yourself for not following the hot girl you met on the dancefloor into the bathroom, then it's time for you to either get a divorce or buy a pair of leather underwear with spikes on the inside. Because clearly you love to torture your groin.

But at the end of the day, it's all worked out. I'm free. She's free. Whatever party felt more oppressed is finally free. No one is a bigger fan of irony than myself, but even I was a little saddened by the fact that the best, most turbulent-free moment we spent together was the final week we lived in the same house. Marriage is an outdated tradition that warps a working relationship into a one way trip through Dracula's asshole, where even the best people have the life sucked out of them and get ejected through the most evil colon known to man. I am willing to concede that every once in a while, there is a magical explosion of chemistry between two people and everything works great in the end. But as society becomes increasingly more hedonistic, the odds of this happening become lower than the chances of you coming across a broken down van filled with porno stars experienced in the ways of pleasure who will gladly reward you with ass for helping them.

PS - HonkeyKong is a master of making sure you never not have a drink in your hands.
blackeyed
VIEW 25 of 36 COMMENTS
luna666:
ahh shit. i get along great AND am comfortable with my right hand. my left too. i'm fucked.
Jul 6, 2004
luna666:
aww shit, both of us in CO this weekend?

they shall suffer.... BIG TIME!
Jul 6, 2004

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