So, my birthday's coming up. And I have one simple wish. To spend a day with my dad. Just me and him. No one else. It doesn't seem like much to ask, does it?
Well it is when I keep calling and get no one. When all my emails and messages go unanswered. It's enough to make me sit back and wonder, does he hate me?
It doesn't help that I have these dreams where he's been dead for weeks, months even, and we don't find out until a stranger gives condolences.
It's like, he doesn't care. That he doesn't even know I exist anymore. Mom claims it's 'cause I took her side in the divorce.
But I didn't take sides. I stayed neutral for this fucking reason. If I ever find out she told dad I took sides, I will gut her.
It's strange, but I keep being reminded of my senior year in highschool, where I had a violin solo with the concert orchestra. Dad said he had a business trip and didn't show up. Though I kept scanning the audience for him... found out later he was with one of his girl friends somewhere.
The message was clear back then: You're not more important to me than some piece of ass.
It gets really hard when I have all these great childhood memories of my dad. For a long time he was what I lived for. And as dorky as this sounds, I know I've been following him for a long, long time.
And now, its like I'm nothing to him. I get ignored in favor of the boys. And I feel left out. I'm the oldest damnit, I know it's selfish to think this, but I was here first.
I just want him to know I'm here. Sometimes I feel like if we passed each other on the street he'd ignore me. I wonder what I did to him to get this. Why me? Why don't I mean anything to him, it's like after the first 18 years of my life, I no longer exist.
And it hurts.
Well it is when I keep calling and get no one. When all my emails and messages go unanswered. It's enough to make me sit back and wonder, does he hate me?
It doesn't help that I have these dreams where he's been dead for weeks, months even, and we don't find out until a stranger gives condolences.
It's like, he doesn't care. That he doesn't even know I exist anymore. Mom claims it's 'cause I took her side in the divorce.
But I didn't take sides. I stayed neutral for this fucking reason. If I ever find out she told dad I took sides, I will gut her.
It's strange, but I keep being reminded of my senior year in highschool, where I had a violin solo with the concert orchestra. Dad said he had a business trip and didn't show up. Though I kept scanning the audience for him... found out later he was with one of his girl friends somewhere.
The message was clear back then: You're not more important to me than some piece of ass.
It gets really hard when I have all these great childhood memories of my dad. For a long time he was what I lived for. And as dorky as this sounds, I know I've been following him for a long, long time.
And now, its like I'm nothing to him. I get ignored in favor of the boys. And I feel left out. I'm the oldest damnit, I know it's selfish to think this, but I was here first.
I just want him to know I'm here. Sometimes I feel like if we passed each other on the street he'd ignore me. I wonder what I did to him to get this. Why me? Why don't I mean anything to him, it's like after the first 18 years of my life, I no longer exist.
And it hurts.
heh. sometimes i feel like i float around with NO family. nobody. not you, not the boys, no parents. like i just sprang into existence from the own awesome force of my will... and existed lonely and unfulfilled forever.
everyones family is fucked up. i just think a lot of times its less palpable. those are the people who think everything is fine but wonder why they FEEL depressed when they have no reason... the sistuations that just barely scratch the surface but make you feel shitty anyways without even knowing why or what...
at least we know were fucked up. were a ruined broken unit but we know it.
and all of us love each other nonetheless, even when we think we dont.
You will learn that parents and adult children can be friends! Really! The moment you can both see each other as "grown-ups", you will have a friendship that will last the rest of your lives. I was in my mid-twenties when I was sittin' around watching a ball game with my dad, when we were talking about mortgage payments or tax loop holes or somethin like that, and he realized I wasn't a kid anymore. I realized he saw me as an equal and it brought him down a notch. For years we were like guy friends. We would talk about work, girls, cars, whatever. He would ask me stuff about the stock market, I would ask him about parenting. We had a very cool relationship til the day he died.
Don't give up on Dad. He's just a guy. Guys are idiots. Tell him you want to be his friend, and that you don't want to be left out of his life. It'll make him cry... in a good way.