Dear Sir, we return the manuscript of the above title with suggestions for alterations and also that you take your picture researcher out somewhere, and administer a good shoeing. The suggestions are as follows, viz. 1] The cover date is three years ahead. Unless you are employing a clairvoyant, you should change it. [2] The frontispiece, labelled: 'The British Museum', is actually a picture of the Hollywood star Johnny Weismuller, apparently balancing a beer stein on his erect penis. [3] The picture on page 11, labelled: 'An Aardvark, is in fact, the Flatiron Building in New York. If one turns to the 'New York' entry, there is a picture of a Duck-Billed Platypus, with the word 'AARDVARK' written on it. [4] The picture, on page 24, entitled 'A Banana Plantation', is, in fact, a picture of Sir Mortimer Wheeler, the famous English Archaeologist. [5] The picture, on page 37, entitled 'Ethel Merman', is, in fact of a cat doing a poo in a shoe. We notice that this picture reappears on page 69, upside down, tinted blue, and covered with small labels explaining the Nitrogen cycle. [6] A picture entitled 'Herr Hitler' is, in fact, Ethel Merman. [7] On page 58, a picture labelled 'The majestic ocean liner Queen Elizabeth' is, in fact, a photo of Death Valley, with the word 'HORRID' written on it. [8] A picture, entitled, 'A coal mine' is again, the cat pooing into a shoe, although, unhelpfully, the word 'COAL' has been written on the cat's white fur. Interestingly, there are no pictures of any cats at all, in the entry for 'Cat' [which is to be found in the 'F' section, but there is a picture of the writer Samuel Beckett, entitled 'A tramp in the woods'. There is no entry for either Beckett, or Tramps in the book. [9] The entry for 'The internal combustion engine', is accompanied by a troubling photo, apparently showing Grace Kelly beating up a photographer at an airport. Turn the page over, however, to find, yet again, the picture of the cat pooing into the shoe, on end this time, labelled, quite accurately, we notice, as a four-stroke petrol engine. Next to it, was a picture of Deanna Durbin singing, entitled 'SUCK; SQUEEZE; BANG; BLOW. We think this should have been with the four-stroke engine, but we're not entirely sure.[10] We were particularly troubled by the entry on page 211, entitled 'POKOTAMEMEATBOSS', and the entry this covers seems to be written entirely in punctuation marks, and the picture on page 219, of a Chimpanzee apparently drinking it's own urine, and the very grainy photo of two people obviously engaged in quite vigorous physical exercise, but why the man is bent over like that, and why the lady's legs are over the man's shoulders, we cannot imagine. Two speech bubbles are added to this picture. The lady is saying: "Oh Gerald", and the man says: "GRUNT!". It is our opinion that there is something deeply suspect about this picture, and it should be removed forthwith. [11] The entry on page 242, labelled ' Flags of all nations' is a picture of comedian Arthur Askey being bottled off at the Glasgow Empire theatre. [12] Page 317 purportedly shows a picture of Las Vegas, but heralds, yet again, upside down this time, the cat pooing into a shoe. A picture of Las Vegas can be found in the entry for 'Where to watch atomic tests in America', but is wrongly labelled as 'St. Paul'. [13] An entry for 'Ethel Merman' has a picture of Hitler and Mussolini, apparently tap-dancing on the patio at Berchtesgaden. [14] The entry for Thomas Edison actually has a picture of Edison, but a speech bubble attached, has him saying: "I blow goats". We do not know what this means. But we don't like it. [15] The entry for Madame Curie has a picture of John Ruskin, labelled: 'He knew not of the ladygarden, and thus could not perform his conjugal unpleasantness on his wedding night'. Probably written by somebody like Tennyson, by it's tone. [16]Page 446: Brunel's Clifton Suspension Bridge, marks the unwarranted return of the cat pooing into the shoe, this time with a pirate's hat and eyepatch crudely added, and the speech bubble declaring: "I loves Brizzul, does I, Arrr!". [17] Page 502. An unseemly picture of a very fat, naked lady on a small motorcycle, and labelled: 'Queen Victoria looks for cock in Scotland'. We were not aware that the late HRH. hunted, but assumed if she wanted game she saw her Ghillie, Mr.Brown. [18] Page 514: Yet another picture entitled 'Ethel Merman', this time showing a funeral cortege. Sound effects have been added to the picture, such as 'SWERVE', 'SKID, and 'ROAR', and white paint has been used to alter the flowers in the hearse, so they now read 'TOSSER'. [19] Page 564: The picture, labelled 'Bertrand Russell' is, in fact, a diagram of the lower digestive tract, labelled up as the Berlin U-Bahn system. [20] A picture, labelled 'The Great Wall Of China' very much appears to be Ethel Merman pooing into a shoe onstage. We sincerely hope it isn't. Please, please, please, make changes, or better still destroy this m/s. and start again. Punks.
ponycorn:
interesting