Today I would to share you with guys a very personal story of mine which very few people actually know about probably only 2 people in my life actually know about this story. Not even my own parents and family members even know this story I must warn you its much of a happy story but it does get more positive towards the end. Ok lets begin about 12 years ago or so when I was only 10 years old in my final year of primary school this random weird socially awarkward kid who had no legitimate friends the only friend really ever had was just a small plank of wood with 2 eyes and a mouth drawn on it ever heard of the cartoon Ed, Edd 'N" Eddy ?. well theres this kid in it called Johnny who also had a plank of wood as his best friend well I was that kid.
So I was a loner and because I wasn't like any of the other kids I was different in lots of ways as you know kids are the cruellest and when they see something different or somebody who is different they're not accepting it. I was majorly bullied and I mean majorly because of being different from the other kids deemed an outcast. I had it all verbally, physically cyberly you name it I had it all thrown at me I had this with every primary school I attended there wasn't 1 single day where the bullies left me alone it didn't matter what I was doing as soon as they saw me come through the gates every morning it would begin they wouldn't rest. I possibly spent more time getting into scraps than anything else but no matter how many times I would fight them they still kept coming. I also had serious anger management issue at that time very short fused which was probably another main reason why they kept on coming back. Worst of all whenever I would go to the teachers for help cuz all I wanted was just for them to stop an leave me be I never got that help I needed all they would say was just ignore them. Everytime that was all they offered so then as I was never getting any help from those who are suppose to help you in these kind of situations I would always take matters into my own hands which normally ended with them being a bloody mess and me in trouble with the head teacher I can't even begin to tell you numerous of phone calls were made to my dad about me getting into scraps an being in trouble.
This would just continue and continue for months and months I already had enough shit to deal with in my life without them making it all ten times worse. Things were that bad I would literally cry myself to sleep every night it became that bad were I would make up anything just not to go into school always hoping that I become sick to not go in to school. And as we've probably all done before this is where the story begins to get pretty dark where I would think to myself what if I wasn't alive anymore would anyone actually miss me if I was dead would the bullies be sorry for the torment they put me through how will I end it ? I'm sure all of us at some point in our lives have thought about it but for me at that point I was done with everything I wanted out. Then came the evening where I was like right this is it tonights the night I depart from this world I knew my dad would be out for a couple of hours and I would be home alone that night. I began the preparation for it all my method of choice which was gonna be put a gun to my head and blow my brains out written my goodbye letter. Due to the Hungerford massacre in the late 1980's and the Dunblane school massacre in the mid 1990's semi automatic firearms were outlawed and couldn't just simply be in possession of one the best I had was an air pistol know the kind that fired metal pellets still could do some damaged but wether it would of been powerful enough to do the job I don't know.
But anyway I had the weapon ready and my goodbye letter all written out just sitting on my bed having one last moment to myself before I went through with it then finally the moment right this is it goodbye world I held the gun to my head as I'm just about to pull the trigger I'm not sure how to explain this but had his voice and a vision go through my mind the vision being the devastation on my family after hearing the news of my demise and visions of all the moments I would miss out on and just my life thus far at that point flashing before my eyes. The voice telling me "don't do it you got so much more to live for and experience things maybe shit for you now but it won't always be like this things will get better eventually there are people who love you and want you to be around and you'll be glad that you decided not to end your live so soon". It was from that I made the decision to take the gun away from my head and said NO I'm going to carry on living and not to let yourself become in this situation again. So I then got rid of the gun and tore up my goodbye letter and never told my dad what I was about to do that night still to this day he doesn't know nor does anyone else in my family nor will they find out. Since then I've left school for 6 years came out with 10 or so GCSE's finished college made some great friends who I'm lucky to have got a good job which I enjoy experienced sex (which I never thought I would) had a small handful of girlfriends which again never thought I would been to a music festival the same one 3 times been to countless concerts found a community in which I feel accepted for who I am (that being SG) etc the list goes on best thing I ever did was not going through with ending my life and of course I'm here on SG with all you wonderful people and getting to actually meet a small few of you and hoping to meet some more members and the ones I've already met again in the future.
love you all mitchy :)