As I write this, I am currently covered in paint. My fickle heart fell out of love with my room so I’m undertaking a renovation on my own. I can’t afford new furniture so I’m painting my ikea set and adding little embellishments that I made with resin. It could be a hot mess. I painted my room and now the furniture seems like a daunting task. I’ll keep you posted. I may give up entirely and just live in the chaos I created. Doing all this work with chronic pain is a lot to handle. My neck is incredibly angry at me and my knees are threatening to go on strike. It feels like there are pickets in my patella.
It will feel good when it’s done, though. New always feels good. Nothing makes my heart feel as happy as change.
My walls are a pale, pale pink now. I shot a show with Playboy TV back in 2006 when I was an edgelord pick-me and went on a rant about pink. I wanted to make it clear I wasn’t a “normal girl”.
Imagine being so pressed about a color.
Imagine me thinking for years I was a girl.
Now that I’ve sorted my gender issues and I’ve realized I’m bigender, I’m more comfortable with feminine things. Before I came out, feminine things had this nebulous space in my psyche that rubbed my soul raw. I was good at a lot of traditionally feminine things - beauty, crafting, baking - but I always felt weird about it. Turns out, there was a masculine part of me that I wasn’t nurturing. Now that I’ve understood myself, I feel more comfortable with pink. With fluff. With girly things. I don’t need to be gritty all the time. I’m not a girl, entirely. But I’m also not NOT a girl, entirely. Gender is complicated.
Here are a couple of photos from a set I did recently on my OnlyFans as a thank you for reading this far.
