I’ve seen such beauty in this world. Such peace. I’ve seen both oceans here in America and dug my feet in the sands. I’ve seen museums and paintings that evoke such passionate joy that I’d sit and stare for hours. I’ve seen acts of kindness that could be only believed if seen with your own eyes. I’ve seen such love that it would break a man to lose it. I’ve lived with every day feeling as though nothing matters, that I had nothing to lose. I’ve been on an island paradise and felt like I never wanted to leave. I’ve experienced unconditional love and never seen it fade. I’ve had friends I would call my brothers but I’ve had friends called brothers that left me when I needed them most. I’ve seen death first hand, the abruptness of it all and finality that it creates in the human heart. I’ve seen the ugliness that we bring to each other. I’ve seen it from my own family. I’ve been a complete piece of shit because I didn’t know how else to get attention and at the same time keep people at bay. I’ve built walls and set fire to bridges that would make the Notre Dame fire seem like a minor problem. I’ve prepared for war, literally. I’ve breathed seething hatred. I’ve found peace at the heart of a fight. And when I die, I know I won’t be on a list to enter an sort of heaven. I won’t know real peace and I won’t ever know how to get there. I’ll know what true love is but I’ll never know peace. I wish I knew how to give up. I wish I knew how to let go. But it will never be in my vocabulary. The contradiction obvious to even the most casual passerby. Mean while I hope for an end to this pain that is harbored one my head and heart.
