fuck

Been home almost 4 months. decided it's time to get the fuck out.

moving to Phoenix.

Plan:

Get Better. Physically and Mentally.
Get Stronger, Faster.
Go Back to the Army.

Workouts will equal 1 hour cardio, 30-45 minutes strength training.
Runs 3 times a week.
Solo Ruck marches with weight. Starting progressively from 4 miles at 45 lbs to 15 miles at full gear weight(100lbs) or more.

Arizona will provide mountains...necessary for a grunt. I'll get to start over. Wipe my shit clean. New Life. Leave the history here.

I love my city. Detroit. But it was killing me before I left and is continuing to be poisonous to me even now.

I love my friends and family. But they will just have to understand. I am doing what's best for me.

I keep thinking what the fuck am I doing here? why do i exist? who am I? why did i join the army? why do i want to go back?


here is what i've got so far...

I'm wasting my life here. Drinking and working a dead end job.

I exist because my parents fucked and I was spawned here after. No thought was given to my existence and sometimes I wonder if my my dad ever really gave a fuck. Mom I hope you don't get too pissed at me for this life, I know I've fucked up hard over and over. I know you watch me here and there I can feel it even 25 years after your death.

I have no idea who the fuck I am anymore. I used to think I was an artist but I failed at art school. I used to think I was a Detroit Hardcore Kid but I fell out of the scene when I couldn't tolerate the newbs who started coming up into the scene. I used to think I served a purpose but now I realize I know absolutely nothing about life and it's function. Who am I? A survivor. That's it right now...nothing more. nothing less. I want more. Fuck less.

I joined the Army to find myself again, to clean myself up, to go to school. To gain clout. Real clout. I wanted to serve my country. I wanted the brotherhood of the Infantry. I wanted to prove to others I was better than I was. I wanted a life again. No matter the cost. I wanted something to be proud of.

I want to go back to the Army because I feel like I didn't get a fair shake. I feel like getting hurt fucked everything up. I still feel like I can do it. I just need the help of the VA and I'm good. I don't have anything to prove to anyone but myself now. everything and everyone else can eat a dick. I won't give up because you say there other ways, i'm too old, the army won't take me back(i have an honorable discharge), i can quote "milk the system", etc. It would be super easy for me to give up right now, take what I've been given and move on. I don't want easy. I don't want to move on. I want to serve a full contract. I want to prove to myself I am in fact better than this. I don't need your respect. I need my own. I want to look at myself in the mirror at night and in the morning and know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better than what I've been putting out there in recent years. I want to look at myself and say "I never gave up. I never gave in. I never accepted defeat. I never accepted less." People in general are quick to accept what they've been given and eat it up like it's the best thing ever. I will not do that. I will fight to the bitter end to achieve my goals. This is just the start.


Phoenix see ya in a week and a half.