fuck

You know before I came back here I had started all this Buddhist reading and was doing good with it and had found this zen spot in my head and heart. You really had to try to take me away from that spot. Even then chances are I would have just said something like "its not worth it" or something to that effect and dealt with whatever feeling I was having at that moment. But months of not having a job and now a full month of living back here at my grandmothers house is just killing me. I have to keep reminding myself that "I am not my Khackis". Its hard to be back here a lil bit too. Granted its awesome to be able to talk to old friends and have a spot to come and just read through shit and make friends with new people. But some of the memories are hard, not just site related stuff but stuff that happened outside of this site. I can claim to be over certain things in my life but certain things still hurt. I still have those scars and its hard to deal with them. I was forced to discard this site and in doing so I pushed a lot of shit to the back of my head and forgot it. Now I'm back here again realizing certain things still hurt. I've gotten away from my zen spot now. I'm depressed and I'm putting myself in a spot where these feelings are controlling the way I live and think. God, its weird to think that I'm even able to think about a spot in my life where I just let shit go. But now that I have that spot fighting to stay alive or fighting to do whatever or even just fighting, seems so wrong. I don't want to fight anything anymore. I don't even want to fight this depression. In a lot of ways I just want to embrace everything that comes my way, because in the end I think you learn more that way rather than fighting everything. I've fought. I've fought for so long with so many people and things that I just got lost in conflict. I didn't want the drama that came with it but I wanted the feeling that I could take on the world and win. And in doing so, I took on the world and everything that came with it. The Weight of the World is not something you want, I found out. Now I'm here trying to figure this out. Like its a puzzle and I have the pieces right in front me but I cant see how it goes together.

Now I've solved issues with my family and I've solved issues with friends. But I can't solve my own. My feelings of insecurity, abandonment, uselessness, not being good enough, etc...Are now my biggest problems. One thing I don't have anymore is the feeling that I'm unable to talk to people. Thanks to Alcohol and this site and some one who was close to me for a while. But the majority of my issues are still here. I saw a therapist last year. He told me I live this way because in my head I have a need to walk the line of wanting to die but realizing that life isn't something to throw away. I do things like driving 150mph on the freeway and drinking copius amounts of booze, and telling dudes with guns that I'll fucking kill them(a story best saved for later) because I have a sort of death wish and feel dead and these things make me feel alive. I don't know he might be right. I used to drink to kill my pain inside. Shit that I didn't tell people and still only certain people know. I used to drink because people thought I was hilarious when I was drunk. I used to drink because I didn't like myself sober. I used to drink to match people drink for drink because I thought it was a game. I used to drink so I could talk to girls, because if you're drunk and say something stoopid you can write it off that you were drunk. I used to drink because it was the only way I knew how to get through the day. Then I stopped much for the same reason I stopped being a member of this site. I put my life in someone else's hands because it was better for me. I make stoopid decisions and when I do that I affect everything and everyone around me. But I was dealing with these feelings and decisions till recently. And everyone said I was doing better that they could see a little light coming from me. I don't know what to think anymore. People gravitate towards me either way. Its just what happens. I'm that guy. I can walk into a party or a bar and make 10 new friends even if I think I'm a douche. Thats how its always been. But now I don't drink to drown shit out or to be funny or because its a game. I drink because I simply love Guinness and good Whiskey. I go places not because I don't want to be alone but because I want to just be around good people for a few then go home. There are a ton of things that have changed but at the same time a lot of things are the same. I'm trying to find that spot in my head again where I can do anything but its hard.


PS I posted more pictures of tattoos in my Ink Folder.