fuck

How much of our problems are caused by ideas formed from the experiences and traumas we have had? Probably most. I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to let go. But sometimes I just want to be the same old asshole I’ve always been. I want to self destruct. I want to burn bridges. I want lay waste to everything around me.

The problem is
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I’m alive still. 42 now. Sober 10 weeks.

My birthday was September 15th. I decided to head back to Arizona for a week to visit friends and get out of the headspace I’ve been in since my grandma died. It’s weird not having parents, let alone not having the person who raised you around. So I bounced from Detroit to Phoenix.

fuck I don’t miss that heat.

I did miss my friends though....
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Gonna take some time and figure out my life. I feel lost again.

My grandma was my world. My rock. The toughest old bird anyone every knew. Im doing my best to honor that by being the strongest person I can be but it’s tough to keep it together and not think the absolute worst.

My mom passed away 35 years ago last November. And I had fallen out with my dad in July last year. But now My grandma is gone. We said goodbye yesterday and I’m here for the first time in my life with no one to guide me. It’s just me now.