Inauguration 2017: A Day to Remember
Forget, for a moment, that President - yes, America, PRESIDENT - Trump is the offspring of baboon, or that he has zero political experience, or that he has a strange bromance with Russian President Vladimir Putin, and even the fact that he won the election with his patented "grab her by the pussy" slam finishing move on former Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton. The dude - uh, excuse me, the Presidential dude - knows how to throw an inauguration.
The festivities of the day began with the singing of the National Anthem. The President invited former runner-up on hit reality television game show America's Got Talent, the incredible 16 year old songstress Jackie Evancho. Trump chose her after remembering meeting her during the televised competition when she was 11, and saying, "in 10 years, I'll be marrying that." We don't know what Melania thinks of this proposal, but the girl's got an impressive set of lungs, nonetheless.
Shortly after the Anthem was sung, President Trump was sworn in over two Bibles by Chief Justice John Roberts. Roberts was reported to have had difficulty finishing sentences after seeing Donald's tiny hand draped over the Bible.
"I do *giggle* solemnly swear *snort* or affirm that I will faithfully execute - my God man, are those really your hands? - the Office of the President of the United States *laugh* of Tiny Hands. I mean America! The United States of America!" Roberts was reported saying.
After swearing in, he gave a short speech of one to three word sentences, reiterating his stances on certain issues.
"Mexico wall good! North Korea, bad! Taxes! Trade! NAFTA bye bye! Obamacare, bad! Me President! No make fun! Me fire you! Freedom of speech! Just kidding!"
While all this was happening, the Secret Service managed to thwart no fewer than 27 attacks made by time travelers from the future, all wearing Meryl Streep masks, and wielding various energy weapons. The Secret Service lost only six men during the attacks, which were kept under wraps.
After Mister Trump's speech, he held up his [tiny] hands and a stage arose from a hidden sublevel of the street. Cabinet necromancer Nêhr-zûhk chanted an incantation that, while sustained, raised legendary rock star Ronnie James Dio from the grave to perform "Holy Diver" for the newly anointed President. The incantation was cut short during a guitar solo, however, when a rogue peanut vendor ran over Nêhr-zûhk's foot with his cart. Dio, decaying and smelling of rank tuna salad that might have been stored in a homeless man's asshole, collapsed, dead once more.
The new President wasn't the only one having fun yesterday. It was reported that Former President Barack Obama was seen leaving the White House with a parting gift: the decapitated, preserved head of Osama Bin Laden that was kept in a jar under lock and key in a hidden compartment in the Oval Office. It was reported that he took the head and snickered something about "his precious" as he fled the scene. His former running-mate and Vice President, Joe Biden, also left the White House with a grin on his face, and told reporters that he'd left an Upper Decker in the President's private bathroom.
Former 2017 Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton and her husband, Former President Bill Clinton, were also in attendance. Hillary was seen congratulating Trump on his firm victory over her, and letting him know that there were no hard feelings for the tearing out of her woman bits on election night. Afterward, she was noticed glaring at Bill while he eye-fucked the shit out of Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, for a prolonged period of time.
The inauguration, which lasted roughly 22 minutes and only had 1/5 the turn-out of Obama's initial term, ended with a luncheon hosted and catered by leading members of the Ku Klux Klan.
In Other News:
After years of debate and experimentation, scientists at Columbia University have determined that bars of soap are the only substance on Earth that one can "safely and sanitarily" rub on one's face immediately after applying it to one's filthy asshole.
