Six Hour Traffic Jam Blamed on Temporary Amnesia
Ottawa, IL - A nearly six hour traffic jam that stopped up ten major intersections yesterday has been blamed on the common occurrence of temporary driver's amnesia. Temporary driver's amnesia, often referred to as TDA, is when a driver at the head of traffic stops at a red light and, through the magical boredom that ensues, completely forgets how to drive when the light changes back to green. The symptoms generally dissipate when a person honks their horn and breaks the short-term loss of motor functions and memory.
The causes of this loss of skill are varied, but some of the most prominent reasons are: Nose-picking, texting that dreamy boy in AP Chemistry class pictures of your new Brazilian wax job, daydreaming about what you'll do to your alpaca after work to satisfy your "urges," masturbating furiously to grainy 13 second long Real Media Video clips on your laptop from 1992, falling asleep at the wheel, or singing Hanson's "Mmm Bop!" at the top of your lungs.
When the light turns green, your amnesia-riddled simian brain struggles to focus back on the task at hand: driving. This results in forgetting where the accelerator pedal is located, sudden paralysis of your right leg, the deathly fear of going any faster than 9 MPH, or spilling hot McDonald's coffee onto, or around, your crotchal region.
These bouts of sudden and short-term memory loss frustrate many drivers, but none were as frustrated as Ottawa, Illinois residents between the hours of 4:11 PM and 9:37 PM.
"JESUS FUCKING FUCK! This fucking guy just wouldn't fucking go! Fucking cunt shit cock ass fuck bitch!" Said upset commuter Daniel Jameson, a cab driver for Alzheimer's patients. Continued Dan, "FUCK!"
The pandemonium started three short seconds after the light first turned green, and lasted well into the night. The perpetrators: a middle aged man and woman by the names of Gordon and Norma Branston. We interviewed the Branstons the next morning, and they recount their harrowing tale.
"Well you see," Gordon - a feline-to-English interpreter - recalls, "We were on our way to the store to buy all the bread, milk, and eggs we could carry because there was supposed to be a massive snowstorm, and that's what people our age do. Anyway, we came up to the light at 10th and Ottawa Boulevard and we had to stop. So we were talking about which Power Ranger we wanted to sleep with when the light turned green, and I froze! I didn't know what to do!"
Norma, a housewife and amateur dried beef rehydrator, continued. "Gordy turned to me and told me, 'Honey! I forgot how to, uh - do that things where you, uh - propel the car forward! You know, uh - Drive! What do I do?' Well I told him, 'certainly DON'T take your foot off that left-most pedal, as I feel the car might explode like a grenade!' I was terrified. I, too, was stricken by the TDA!"
Police arrived on scene at roughly 6:38 to attempt to marshal traffic around the idiot couple, but by the time they'd arrived, officers had also become stricken by the seemingly intermittent bout of memory loss. Order wasn't restored until after the Army National Guard arrived with tanks, armored personnel carriers filled with armed troopers, and Apache helicopters.
There is currently no cure for - or medication to abate the effects of - Temporary Driver's Amnesia.
In Other News:
Area man Walter Ford, an Abe Vigoda impersonator, was sentenced to life in prison for the murder of Rachel Harmon after using a pick-up line so smooth it made Rachel's ovaries explode, killing her instantly... the next day.
