Terror in the Skies
Terror struck Afriqiya Airways flight 8U209, this Friday morning, when two men of Middle Eastern descent hijacked the aircraft as it left Libya. The hijackers, armed with explosive jackets and laden with giant purple dildos, threatened to blow up the plane and leave the bodies of dead passengers in what they called "revealing and suggestive positions" with the floppy phallic devices adorning their under shirts. Their only demand: Bring back the McDonald's McRib.
The pilots of the A320 Airbus - terrified - made an emergency landing in the tiny country of Malta. The Malteaser Prime Minister, Joseph Muscat, dispatched armed forces to... What's that? It's not "Malteaser?" It's "Maltese?" Whatever, editor Patrick Webb with a tiny penis and a jihadi pubic hair bird nest for a beard! Malteasers are fucking delicious! The MALTESE Prime Minister, Joseph Muscat, quickly dispatched Malta's armed forces to handle any negotiations. For each passenger - of the 111 on board - released by the hijackers, one juicy, barbecue-y, onion-y McRib would be delivered.
By 7:30 AM CST, 65 passengers had been released in trade for the mouth-watering fast food finery.
"It was so scary!" exclaimed one terrified passenger. Amanya Mantalban, a connoisseur of fine ear waxes, recalls her time on the aircraft. "One minute I was telling my husband about the flavor profile of llama ear wax versus that of alpaca ear wax, and the next, two men with dozens of floppy purple dildos strapped to their chests began spouting anti-Western cultural sentiment and how if McDonald's doesn't bring back the McRib, they'll kill everyone!"
I had a friend who raised alpacas once, and I can personally attest to the grand flavors of their ear wax. He used to feed his alpaca, whose name was Tina, ham and Stove Top stuffing. I believe that its steady diet of festive holiday type meals gave its ear wax an earthier depth of flavor. It's paired well with a nice pinot noir or cabernet sauvignon.
By 9:00 AM CST, all the passengers and crew had been released with the promise that all Libyan McDonald's restaurants would permanently carry the vaunted faux rib-meat sandwich made of delectable mechanically separated pork and chicken, and fashioned into a delightful rack of ribs look-alike. At press time, a Libyan special forces team was seconds away from assassinating the would-be hijackers at the first McDonald's they stopped.
In Other News:
All foods not currently marked with the ubiquitous "Kosher" symbol will now be referred to as "Anti-Semitic" foodstuffs. Eating these items will be considered at hate crime.
