Disney Proves Star Wars Isn't One-Trick Pony
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story opened in theaters across the world (except China, because fuck those squinty-eyed Commies. Wait - they make all our shit? Uh... Fuck Disney for not releasing it in the wonderful land of cheaply made technology, shoes, and moo shu chicken!), this weekend, and earned a staggering $155 million in North America, $290 million worldwide. The newest installment in the lauded sci-fi series earned considerably less than its predecessor and core story brother, The Force Awakens, but did well enough to prove that you don't need a bunch of Jedi, Muppets, Jedi Muppets, or incestuous storylines to make good cinema.
Rogue One is the first movie in the Star Wars saga that doesn't focus on the story of the Skywalker family and how they basically fuck up the galaxy wherever they go. It tells the story of Jyn Erso (played by Felicity Jones), the daughter of the Imperial Weapons Scientist who created many terrifying weapons for the Empire (such as The Death Star, the Laser Rancor, and Jar-Jar Binks). She and her ragtag rebel friends - which include characters like Chirru, the totally original blind samurai archetype, and Baze Malbus, who wins the award for "Drax-with-hair-and-a-big-ass-gun" look-alike - set out to steal The Death Star blueprints and save her father in a delightful mashup of Ocean's Eleven, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Freddy Got Fingered.
Said excited moviegoer John Moosereiner, a gastropod fecal matter examiner in Seattle, Washington, "I came to see Rogue One under the impression that it was the first movie in a series about Rogue, the lady X-Man from the comic books. But it turned out to be a Star Wars movie. My favorite part was when I shot a ten foot harpoon of jizz at the screen as Felicity Jones came on. Now I run the unofficial Felicity Jones fan club, and send photoshopped nudie pics of her to all my subscribers."
The unprecedented (not to be confused with unpresidented, Mister Trump) success of the movie has opened the doors to Disney to continue with other Star Wars related products. While there is already an origin movie about the intrepid smuggler, and fan-favorite, Han Solo in the works, Disney has started announcing new projects relating to Star Wars, both movies and televised series alike. Following is a list of upcoming movies and TV shows Disney plans to release.
Following hot on the heels of Rogue One, the upcoming MTV series Keeping Up With Cassian will release sometime next spring. Cassian Andor is the moderately attractive, but not attractive enough to brag to your friends about, hero/sidekick to Jyn Erso in Rogue One, and he will be getting his own reality TV series about his exploits as the bad-boy Alliance rebel who goes about the galaxy and does the dirty work that the rebels don't really talk about, all the while breaking the hearts of, and friend-zoning, drunken bith, talz, devaronian, and ithorian girls all over the known galaxy.
Also releasing next spring will be the sure-to-be hit The Secret Life of Boba Fett, a tale of the intrepid bounty hunter often found in the employ of the ruthless fat space slug Jabba the Hutt. The movie will take place during his awkward teenage years as he deals with the fact that he's a clone and not a real boy, tries to pick up chicks, and has vivid daydreams about the wild adventures he thinks he has as a ruthless bounty hunter with a knack for disintegration. Spoiler alert! It's all a dream he has while he is slowly digested in the Sarlacc's belly over 1000 years!
The blockbuster everyone will be talking about next summer will be Jawas, a tale taking place on Amity Island, New York. In Jawas, residents and summer vacationers of Amity Island are plagued by sudden attacks by carnivorous sea-dwelling Jawas. The movie will star Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfus, Robert Shaw, Lorraine Gary, and 17 midgets dressed as the glowy-eyed monsters.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is in theaters now. Just, uh, avoid seats next to or around John Moosereiner.
