Trump to Continue Fleshing Out Cabinet Picks
President-elect Donald Trump has already chosen several officials to fill out key government positions to essentially run the United States for him while he hyperventilates quietly in a corner for the next four years. Some of the choices for his cabinet members seem counterintuitive, such as billionaire Betsy De Vos as Secretary of Education. Betsy only narrowly beat out Elmo from the now-HBO-run sitcom Sesame Street for the position. Many worry her loathing for public schooling will be its end, leaving America even stupider than it already is. There are other positions, however, that have been filled with moderately qualified individuals.
Following are a few of the positions that Mister Trump has filled with the hopes of making the Divided States of America great again:
Trump's pick for Secretary of Defense was a difficult one. Initially, he thought to employ Retired Army General James Mattis. However, a recent trip to the Jewel of Ohio, Cleveland, gave him pause and made him change his mind. He instead chose Bradley Jameson, a 12 year old four time Tower Defense champion.
"Bradley was the best choice, in my humble, simian opinion," Trump told reporters. "He's a genius level strategist who's never lost a single match to the oncoming hordes of balloons terrorizing his peaceful fortress."
To head up the Department of Energy, Donald chose long-time cybernetic American ally, and sagacious Autobot leader, Optimus Prime of Cybertron. Optimus told reporters he would be glad to supply the new socialist regime with 300,000 energon cubes to provide self-sustaining energy to the New World Order for the fight against Russia, who has allied itself with the Decepticons.
The soon-to-be president faced a challenge in appointing an official to be Secretary of Homeland Security, until he remembered someone he ran into in the lobby of his own hotel in New York. It wasn't a shock when he appointed Kevin McAllister the position, after hearing about his heroism against the vaunted "Wet Bandits," who later - in another altercation with the new secretary - called themselves "The Sticky Bandits." McAlister will be the youngest member of the presidential cabinet, at the age of 10.
Trump was cited saying that, "Kevin is a splendid kid with a lot of heart, but if you cross him, he will toss tethered paint cans at you, or burn your hair off with a blow torch. The little rascal."
For position of Secretary of the Treasury, Donald initially chose Ronnie James Dio. He was saddened to learn - as were we at the N3 - that he died back in 2010. Eh, who knew, right? Regardless, sticking to his guns, he went with his second choice and picked the entire 80's hair-band super group Def Leppard to fulfill the position. In light of this choice, the band has already declared it will rename Valentine's Day to "Love Bites" Day, to mirror their classic power ballad from the album Hysteria. They have also exclaimed that they will play "Pyromania" as entrance music for the President every time he enters or leaves the room.
Rounding out his picks for the week, the Don chose Carol Lindemann of Anchorage, Alaska, as his Secretary of Agriculture, citing her skills at the popular Facebook-based flash video game FarmVille.
There are still other cabinet positions yet to be filled. Trump is expected to finish fleshing out his dream team in the next two weeks.
