Area Man Simply Cannot Find His Favorite Tie
Del City, OK - Terror strikes the heartland as area man Gerald Ard awoke this morning and discovered that his favorite tie was missing.
"I woke up, had my morning coffee and a cigarette, then took a lengthy dump - which kind of looked like Abe Vigoda, now that I think about it... I should have taken a picture! - before showering. When I got around to dressing, I reached over to my tie rack to grab my favorite tie, and it simply wasn't there!"
The tie in question, a tacky clip-on tie that says "World's Greatest Dad" amid a backdrop of colorful, vomit-inducing amounts of balloons, was last seen adorning Mister Ard's blue, yellow, and green striped button-down shirt last Thursday, when he wore it for father-son day at work. Ard, a Hall and Oates-only DJ at a gentlemen's club, spent the last several minutes of his day feverishly backtracking all of his steps to find the elusive tie.
"I checked my car, I checked the piles of feces under the bed, I checked the pile of human remains in the cellar, and even rooted around in Meredith's vaginal cavity for a minute, thinking I might have stuffed it up there when we were role-playing aborting our next fuck trophy with a rusty wire coat hanger. No luck though," he told us, frowning.
We asked Meredith Ard, a play actress in an all-midget - uh, excuse us... all "little people" - cast in a re-imagining of The Merchant of Venice, if she had any knowledge of the missing tie. She declined to make a statement. She was last seen leaving the remnants of a large bonfire they burned the night prior, where the two and their son, Herbert, were overheard praising the Daedric Prince Molag Bol, and how their "sacrifices to the God of Schemes would win his favor."
At press time, the tie had yet to be found.
This just in!
The body of yet another virginal teenage girl was found at the edge of Lake Draper. Like the half dozen before her, the corpse of 19 year old Rachel Evans, who was going to school to become an animal fecal matter weigher, was found to be burned beyond facial recognition (forensic scientists had to use dental records and bite radius sizing, bounced against graffiti found in men's bathrooms at Southern Nazarene University) in a ritualistic type sacrifice. Several bodies have yet to be found, and the killer remains at large in a case that has baffled police for well over three months now. Rachel's body was found with the crispy remains of a cheaply made clip-on tie around her neck.
In Other News:
President-elect Donald Trump once again condemned long-running sitcom Saturday Night Live for its unfair portrayal of him and his obsession with "tweeting" his outrage. The pres-to-be flamed the show calling it "unwatchable." Yet he continues to watch it. Every fucking weekend. And then he cries about the show and their portrayal of his Twitter use. On Twitter.
