TSA to Begin Live Testing of New Experimental Airport Screening Methods
With ire on the rise about extreme wait times in airport screening lines, the Transportation Security Administration has decided to launch its radical new screening methods at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. By now, most everyone is familiar with the egregiously slow pace of the security checkpoints. It's not uncommon to encounter extreme wait times because one moron suddenly suffers temporary amnesia and can't figure out how to take their shoes off, or someone forgot to take off their steel spiked cockring before leaving the house that morning.
Said area man, Pete Stenglar, “I once got stuck behind a guy for an hour because he forgot that he had a wire coat hanger shoved into his urethra. I had to sit there and watch him as he inched it out, bit by bit, slowly. Meticulously. The hanger was glistening in... Hey, wait... Are you recording this?!”
Among the innovative ways TSA is trying to expedite lines are the following:
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-Having a conveyor belt bring empty bins to the front of the screening area automatically, thus removing the fat, lazy human aspect from the equation.
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-Automated rerouting of suspicious bags directly to a landfill.
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-A system that can detect when someone is taking too long to remove their shoes. After 3 to 5 seconds, a pair of super heated plasma torches appear at the feet of the agitator and slice off their feet at the ankles, cauterizing the wound immediately.
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-A vacuum tube that transports people who screen positive for explosive residues to an open space where they are force detonated to prevent harming other passengers and damaging equipment.
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-A pre-screener who punches travelers in the face who attempt to bring liquids into the screening lanes.
Deputy Director of TSA, Huban A. Gowadia, had the following to say: “We're really excited to test these new features out, and we're already getting a lot of positive feedback! Not to mention we've already thwarted several major possible bombings and hijacking attempts.” This in response to an Atlanta native, Jerome Gherkin, was the first recipient of a free ride in what TSA calls “the bomb tube.” He was subsequently detonated upon landing in an open field, bewildered by the experience.
The new screening systems are expected to be in place worldwide by this time 2020.
In Other News...
A police hero, the drug sniffing dog Sparky, has been arrested today. Reports claim he was brought up on charges of abusing narcotics after failing a series of urinalysis tests. Many will remember Sparky as the hero dog who single-pawedly discovered the location of drug kingpin Sergio Rodriguez, and led the raid against his factory, where he had four confirmed kills and saved three fellow officers, a cat, and two goldfish from the burning building. The shamed police dog was sent to the pound, where they found several kilos of cocaine stashed in his rectum, and heroin needle marks between his paw pads. He is expected to be discharged and sent to rehab within the week.
