The N3's New Year's Resolution
Here at the Neitzel News Network, we take our news seriously. Therefore, for our New Year's resolution, we've decided we're going to be even more up-to-date, historically accurate, unbiased, and totally not fake at all than we've ever been in our 1.25 year existence. In keeping with half of that resolution, we wanted to give you a brief description of...
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EDIT: Few days late since I spent NYE drinking and... drinking more.
Concern Hatches Over Hatchimal Toys
Little Jennifer Baumgardener, six year old daughter of Jaina Baumgardener of Kansas City, MO, awoke the day after Christmas to a sinister voice next to her bed. The voice whispered "Let's murder your parents and wear their skin as suits..." Little Jennifer shrugged off the voice at first,...
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Terror in the Skies
Terror struck Afriqiya Airways flight 8U209, this Friday morning, when two men of Middle Eastern descent hijacked the aircraft as it left Libya. The hijackers, armed with explosive jackets and laden with giant purple dildos, threatened to blow up the plane and leave the bodies of dead passengers in what they called "revealing and suggestive positions" with the floppy phallic devices...
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jozsef:
Purveyors of anti semitic foodstuff come January will receive the newly minted medal of honor from der Drumpenfuehrer. Finally, the end of political correctness in our time.
Disney Proves Star Wars Isn't One-Trick Pony
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story opened in theaters across the world (except China, because fuck those squinty-eyed Commies. Wait - they make all our shit? Uh... Fuck Disney for not releasing it in the wonderful land of cheaply made technology, shoes, and moo shu chicken!), this weekend, and earned a staggering $155 million in North America, $290...
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user8992:
I'm still stuck on harpoon of jizz lol.. you are a nut silly mister 😜lol
jozsef:
A lot of this is funny as hell (and if you've been there you will know that the place is a hoot. Also, it never snows, which is another plus.) I just wish you would stop with the pee pee caca references already. Good heavens, we're not all five here. Some of us even have driver's licences and in fact I even have my own car, thanks to dad leaving it to me, although he had indicated that the next door neighbor's cat might be more deserving. Thankfully, blood ties won out over big eyes and cute fur so that now I have an asset worth well in excess of a thousand dollars. I think I may be digressing a bit. What was I saying? Whatever it was, I meant every word and don't you forget it. Leave that part to me.
The Alt-Right Strikes Back
The Galactic Republic was rocked today when the Internet was flooded with anti-Star Wars sentiment. Basement dwelling white supremacists the world over banded together to lash out against the historical documents called Star Wars with their hashtagged #DumpStarWars. Star Wars, a historical retelling of totally true events that happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, documents the...
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Trump to Continue Fleshing Out Cabinet Picks
President-elect Donald Trump has already chosen several officials to fill out key government positions to essentially run the United States for him while he hyperventilates quietly in a corner for the next four years. Some of the choices for his cabinet members seem counterintuitive, such as billionaire Betsy De Vos as Secretary of Education. Betsy only narrowly beat...
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jozsef:
Do you ever think the world is conspiring to test the resolve of satirists with a vengeance? You've done rather well considering the challenges present reality has brought to the table. I wouldn't even know where to begin with KKK and neo-nazi types being put into top post in government. How do you exaggerate that? Make them into cannibals? They probably are so I'm saying uncle right now. EDIT: Oh, yes, and the morons. He's appointing lots of those too. Mustn't forget the morons. They're going to do a great job. I'm sure of it.
deuteranopia:
@jozsef President-elect Trump (you have no idea how it pains me to say that, even in my head) makes me embarrassed to be a white man.
Area Man Simply Cannot Find His Favorite Tie
Del City, OK - Terror strikes the heartland as area man Gerald Ard awoke this morning and discovered that his favorite tie was missing.
"I woke up, had my morning coffee and a cigarette, then took a lengthy dump - which kind of looked like Abe Vigoda, now that I think about it... I should have taken...
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jozsef:
OK, so here's what you do. Find some contraption that will reset the day somewhere. This may be a tall order but it's necessary. Then you put into practice a habit of reading everything you write carefully before submitting it so that when many funny references to fecal matter or graphic killings are to be found, you can simply delete the mess before any real harm is done. If you have guessed that these things are in fact not funny to anyone else and will get you labeled SF but not meaning science fiction, then give yourself an A+. In the specific case of the present effort, tossing everything above In Other News would be nothing short of inspired. In any case, the pope has stolen your thunder and done it extremely well, so moving on is definitely in order. His is the first reference I've seen to coprophagia in decades so I have new respect for the old pedophile overlord. He may yet flush some of those offensive priests of his down the toilet as his predecessors failed to do.
Happy Holidays From the N3!
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day (we here at the N3 are still staunch supporters of the Oxford Comma -- anyone who doesn't use it is a fucking communist) are widely considered a time of year for families to come together and be thankful to one another by eating obesity-inducing amounts of food and showering each other with useless trinkets...
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College Professor Finds Dating Advice Periodically Left on Desk
Oklahoma City, OK - A professor at Oklahoma University (OU) has recently received several flyers, from an anonymous party, about the dangers of dating men of various races. Trina Mitchell, a professor of fine arts specializing in earwax sculptures, has been a single woman for five years after a brutal break-up with her previous boyfriend, Todd...
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Melded two of my favorite collectibles, Lego and Funko Pops, to make a small diorama of one of my favorite shows (Breaking Bad).
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
elaena:
It's awesome, I love it!!!! 💗
pimenta:
Awesome!!!
An American Milestone: U.S. Elects First Orange President
Orange is the new Black on Capitol Hill as President Barack Obama will move aside for President-elect Donald J. Trump. In an historic election that baffled pundits, political analysts, and, well basically everyone out there, the Republican nominee destroyed Hillary Clinton once and for all. Every electoral vote cast for Trump fed his power in the waning...
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World Poised to Possibly Experience the Armageddon
It's the eve of Election Day and U.S. citizens both at home and abroad make last minute preparations to cast their ballot in what will undoubtedly be the most exciting - and possibly final - election in years to come. In the Blue Team's corner we have Hilary "Two-Face" Clinton who, despite having several scandals under her belt...
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