amorpheus

Sometimes I fear that I am getting too inured to comics. For instance, someone had to explain to me why someone might find the title of the comic "Giant-Sized Man-Thing" amusing. You see, I had interpreted that title, as Marvel Comics had intended, to mean "Large comic about a humanoid monster," and it hadn't occurred to me that it could also be read as "exceptionally large penis." However, every time I feel that I may be starting to become too accepting of the absurd as standard practice, I only have to reach for almost any comic printed before 1970 to remind me of how many things I still find really, really fucked up.

I remain hopelessly addicted to "Supergirl" comics. I could write a whole book about why I love "Supergirl" -- "The Wit and Wisdom of 'Supergirl'" -- no, that's not entirely accurate... "The Wit and Lunacy of 'Supergirl'" -- no, too negative... "The Wit, Lunacy, and Stultifying Cuteness of 'Supergirl'" -- no, too wordy... Anyway, until there's any sort of market for my thoughts on "Supergirl," I will have to settle for this journal entry about some of her adventures that I have recently read.
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In one comic that I read just this weekend, she was auditioning for membership on the Legion of Superheroes. The girl she was competing against was called "Shrinking Violet," which I think is a sure sign that the universe is fucking around with me. Poor Violet was only in one panel. She really never even stood a chance. For one thing, she was competing against Supergirl. For another, it wasn't made entirely clear if she had the ability to grow back to normal size after having shrunk.

The character who was really interesting though, especially since he was in multiple panels, was Brainiac 5. He claimed to be Brainiac's great-great-great-great grandson. This raises a number of questions, the most important of which is, if Brainiac is a robot, how does he reproduce? Since I don't really want to know the answer to that one, I'll move on to the next, which is, if he's Brainiac's great-great-great-great grandson, why is he only Brainiac 5? At first I thought that the writer was just really bad at counting. Then I thought that it was entirely possible that Brainiac's child was named something other than Brainiac, and his grandchild was named Brainiac, as were the following four generations. At this point, it's important to point out that Brainiac 5, as a member of the Legion of Superheroes, was a good guy. He claimed that his family has tried to distance itself from the villainous Brainiac's legacy. If that's the case, then why do they keep naming their children Brainiac? Obviously, my simple human brain cannot begin to comprehend the inner workings of the Brainiac family's flawless computerized minds.
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I hate Streaky. I really hate Streaky. For those of you who don't know, since Superboy had a superdog named Krypto (which, by the way, was a TERRIBLE idea), it was decided that Supergirl should have a supercat named Streaky (which, somehow was a much worse idea). Streaky, instead of being a cat from Krypton, was a normal cat who gained superpowers after being exposed to the mysterious X-Kryptonite. I really think that having a substance that grants any creature that comes into contact with it superpowers is incredibly dangerous. Not only will all of the cats in the neighbourhood become indestructable juggernauts, but what of the insects that happen to crawl on it? Could you imagine the ecological damage that they could do? Thankfully, Streaky was the only creature to make any contact with the X-Kryptonite, which still wouldn't exactly put my mind at ease. I mean, having superanimals is not the same thing as having superhumans. Superman and Supergirl are good guys only because of their moral code and even still Superman isn't entirely above totally abusing his power every now and then. Have you ever tried to teach a cat to have a sense of responsibility for his actions? It's not easy. I'm just guessing here, but I think it would be harder with an invulnerable cat who you have no hope of controlling.

Still, I was willing to accept that in the writer's mind, Streaky would be playful and cute rather than horribly destructive. That changed in the issue where Supergirl decided to make her own Fortress of Solitude in the Arabian desert. An archaeologist stumbled upon the fortress and learned her secret identity, then blackmailed her to do his bidding. The conflict was resolved when Streaky flew into the archaeologist's house and accidentally lobotomized him with his heat vision. Holy crap! I know, we're supposed to think that this was a satisfactory conclusion, since the archaeologist WAS evil, but Streaky didn't know that! After that, Supergirl still didn't bother to put him in a cage or anything... or really take any measures to try to ensure that her horrible, horrible cat didn't murder or mutilate or dismember anyone else. Linda really has a lot to learn about responsible pet ownership.

What's possibly worse is Streaky's oh-so-predictable rivalry with Krypto. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I don't think that the sort of people who would buy a comic entitled "Action Comics" really wants to see a tug-of-war between a cat and a dog to determine who their owners should love more. By the way do you want to know who won that contest of champions? It was a space monkey who flew in completely out of nowhere. Wait a minute... did I type that right? Yes, that is what happened. It was a monkey - a damn space monkey. Why the hell was it a monkey? Did the writer think it would be a surprising and ironic twist if a supermouse showed up and got distracted in the middle of writing the word "mouse"? Did he get halfway through writing the story and think, "Who cares if a cat can beat a dog? I want to see a monkey!" I'm sorry, but you're on your own for figuring that one out.
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Here is a typical day at the Danvers household:



Here is the same scene on a much less typical day:



I love how proud Lesla is of her own trickery. Like any great subterfuge, it involves layer upon layer of deception:

LAYER 1 - Wearing a brunette wig
As a natural blonde, Lesla had to wear a wig to take Linda's place. It had to be in Linda's hairstyle, too, so as not to arouse suspicion.
LAYER 2 - Eating breakfast
Lesla knew from her intensive study of Earth culture that this is what "humans" customarily do in the morning. She would have to play along with this "breakfast" for her plans to work.
LAYER 3 - Not mentioning to the Danverses that she's really Lesla-Lar of Kandor
Considering that Linda's parents had never heard of Lesla-Lar, nor of Kandor, and that they did not consider it within the realm of possibility that an alien might kidnap their daughter and take her place, you'd think this would be fairly easy. However, we know from Lesla's internal monologue that she's the sort of person who has to constantly remind herself of who she is. She would have to be careful about this.

With brilliant planning like this, how could Superman hope to defeat her? It's a good thing that Krypto saw through her disguise, because despite his talent for getting people to say, "Kltpzyxm," Superman really isn't that bright.
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In one adventure, Superman built a time machine and sent Supergirl into the future, where she immediately started beating up a nearby space monster.



I was sort of disappointed when I read what the future man at the bottom said. Here's what I figured would happen:



You see, I am confident that in the future, being a space monster won't carry the same stigma that it did in the 60's. That's one of the many, many reasons why I am not allowed to write comics.
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I will leave you with a scene from a more recent Supergirl comic that is one of my favourite comic panels ever. It's from a scene in which Linda sits down with her parents and tries to explain her dual identity to them, but they keep interrupting, at first thinking that she's announcing that she's pregnant, then that she's a lesbian. Finally, she blurts out



I think all of the literary historians who read this blog will agree that this is one of the greatest lines of dialogue in the history of American literature.