adelina

I got into the classes I want. School starts August 23. Now I'm debating whether I should go through with it in the first place. I dont know if the investment of so much time in further schooling (8am - 4:30pm monday to friday and 6-9:30pm mon&wed) is a wise decision. Will it really improve my chances in the workforce or will I remain in a bloody dead-end job that I already have?! Ha. Do I vent too much here? I'm so tired of hearing my own complaints rattling around in my head all day and night long, so I might as well dump it all in this journal and maybe it'll just stay here and stop haunting me. I even have dreams about my own inadequacy in my place in the job market. I think that I need to do something that contributes a little something to the world, or at least doesnt make me feel so expendable, like another disposable cog in the machinery. Is this so much to ask from myself - damn this self-doubt! Why is it so easy for me to see and think that everyone else can achieve their dreams, but with myself, I begin to count the possible road blocks and hardships and know that I couldnt possibly do what I set out to do, yet I still try and try, and as I do so I wait and wait for the inevitable failure and when the failure doesnt happen I think "oh i'm so lucky" and wonder when my luck will run out and when it does i go "oh I knew it would happen like this" and if things run smoothly instead i think "better enjoy this while it lasts." Judgment is always worst when you dispense it to your own self because there's no escaping it - you are always with yourself after all. Aaaaaeeuuurgeeeaarrrghh. I can't help but think of the last four years and wonder why I even bothered with getting a degree. I still think that it might be my biggest regret. All of the time and money, and for what?!