i'm having more and more days where it feels like i haven't taken my medication but i know i have. it could be that i'm building an immunity; although i should've done that long long ago. the anger level's coming back up now. and the manicness. that sensation of being on fire, that sensation of having the capacity to take over the whole world. is this confidence? is this my chemistry righting itself and rejecting the medication? what IS this?
it feels good, linguistically. my vocab comes back to my tongue, no longer slowed by the medication. i can honestly say that medication has not ruined my brain...however in slowing my anger reactions it also slows other things, such as my ability to find my written voice. is this reveling in manicness? oy. i find myself getting nabokovian here. perhaps i should laissez-le.
outthere's out of town for the weekend. i'm kitty/house sitting. it's nice to have the place to myself, although it feels weird that he's not here. and that i'm amongst all of his things. sometimes i wonder if part of why i enjoy being here is that...there are "things" here...outthere owns a lot of "stuff"--furniture, books, kitchen impliments, art supplies, art projects etc, which happens when you owned a house in a previous incarnation...sometimes i wonder if these are things i would want for myself but i can't accept the idea of buying them for me because that would make me vulnerable to losing them. for those who don't know, i lost everything i owned for 6 months and never saw most of it again. for six months, i didn't own ANYTHING. i wasn't in a situation where i could replace what was mine...maybe if i never held on to anything, no one could take it away.
oy. sometimes i still am the scared little animal from 10 years ago.
trying to psych myself up to want to go out and do homework. it's hard when i'm carrying this anger at the whole world somewhere in me. oh, irriation: at my french class, at the magazine, at my parents, at people i don't know.
i've been considering going to l.a. before school starts...just to get away from everyone and everything for a while. *sigh*
it feels good, linguistically. my vocab comes back to my tongue, no longer slowed by the medication. i can honestly say that medication has not ruined my brain...however in slowing my anger reactions it also slows other things, such as my ability to find my written voice. is this reveling in manicness? oy. i find myself getting nabokovian here. perhaps i should laissez-le.
outthere's out of town for the weekend. i'm kitty/house sitting. it's nice to have the place to myself, although it feels weird that he's not here. and that i'm amongst all of his things. sometimes i wonder if part of why i enjoy being here is that...there are "things" here...outthere owns a lot of "stuff"--furniture, books, kitchen impliments, art supplies, art projects etc, which happens when you owned a house in a previous incarnation...sometimes i wonder if these are things i would want for myself but i can't accept the idea of buying them for me because that would make me vulnerable to losing them. for those who don't know, i lost everything i owned for 6 months and never saw most of it again. for six months, i didn't own ANYTHING. i wasn't in a situation where i could replace what was mine...maybe if i never held on to anything, no one could take it away.
oy. sometimes i still am the scared little animal from 10 years ago.
trying to psych myself up to want to go out and do homework. it's hard when i'm carrying this anger at the whole world somewhere in me. oh, irriation: at my french class, at the magazine, at my parents, at people i don't know.
i've been considering going to l.a. before school starts...just to get away from everyone and everything for a while. *sigh*
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Lamictal/Wellbutrin/Topomax...