Me vs. the Update Button: Leprachaun in the Hood
If it were possible for a computer to know the true meaning of the word "rejection", mine would have already tried to get my attention by slitting its wrists right after a failed attempt to lure me into a relationship with a fake pregnancy. As it stands right now, my computer can only convey emotion through...
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If it were possible for a computer to know the true meaning of the word "rejection", mine would have already tried to get my attention by slitting its wrists right after a failed attempt to lure me into a relationship with a fake pregnancy. As it stands right now, my computer can only convey emotion through...
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VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
Welcome, fools, to my holiday! I am Count Credulous Von Newyear, keeper of all the lies you spoon-feed into your own brain's mouth. Lies that range from the convincing (hey, maybe you will shed those unwanted pounds this year) to the absolutely ridiculous (you're an alcoholic, deal with it). My holiday is celebrated by the people of the world with a surge of new gym...
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VIEW 25 of 55 COMMENTS
keith:
I AM going to shed those pounds this year. 
I sincerely wish I was in a position to tell all of you how my vacation went, but for reasons to be filed under either blacking out or downright cheekiness, I'm afraid I can't. Not the really good parts, anyway.
But let me just say that when you drunkenly stumble onto a train full of people that are on their way to work and you're...
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But let me just say that when you drunkenly stumble onto a train full of people that are on their way to work and you're...
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VIEW 25 of 36 COMMENTS
clara:
Ditto, Professor. 
menotyou:
So...should I actually strive for 'coma good time' or not? I'm conflicted as to how much damage constitutes a good time before that line is crossed?
Ahhhhhhhhh
You know that invigorating feeling you get when you quit a job? I'm having sex with that feeling right now. It's well earned too, since I've spent the last two weeks busting my ass to get that fine motha' fucka' in the sack. If this feeling had foreplay, it would be all those little things you take care of in order to gradually erase...
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You know that invigorating feeling you get when you quit a job? I'm having sex with that feeling right now. It's well earned too, since I've spent the last two weeks busting my ass to get that fine motha' fucka' in the sack. If this feeling had foreplay, it would be all those little things you take care of in order to gradually erase...
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VIEW 25 of 37 COMMENTS
mercie:
I want to see said martial arts showdown.
Let me know the date and time, and we'll sell tickets, I'll promote it here in Baltimore.
How was your Christmas and New Year's?
xoxo
Let me know the date and time, and we'll sell tickets, I'll promote it here in Baltimore.
How was your Christmas and New Year's?
xoxo
misterusername:
Bitch, it's movie time. What night this week?
Something has been happening lately that I never even imagined was possible: I've been getting hit on by very large, very aggressive gay men. It's not like this is the first time I've been approached by a man who probably imagined our conversation finishing in the bathroom, but those guys were one metallic tiara away from being She-Ra: Princess of Power. And why not? I'm...
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VIEW 25 of 54 COMMENTS
ampersandwich:
Nice to meet you last night, youre a wonderfully strange person
Y~!
Y~!
freyja__:
the pinnacle.
Does this Chip on My Shoulder Make Me Look Fat?
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Don't they realize that every day their opinions go unheard, the assholes in the world attain more and more power? Now don't get too excited there, lefty. I'm not talking about corporate power struggles or fighting for a better government. I'm talking about the little everyday assholes that...
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What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Don't they realize that every day their opinions go unheard, the assholes in the world attain more and more power? Now don't get too excited there, lefty. I'm not talking about corporate power struggles or fighting for a better government. I'm talking about the little everyday assholes that...
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VIEW 25 of 39 COMMENTS
al:
You ARE a goddamn hero.
mydogfarted:
I understand. One time I was standing on line at the grocery store and the guy in front of me was being an asshole and yelling at the cashier about something. He was going on and on until finally I said loudly and matter-of-factly "SHUT THE FUCK UP!". He of course turned his simple minded anger towards me. After telling him what a fucking asshole he was, crazyanimallady had to get between us to stop me from pounding the shit out of this old man. I believe it was all because a price was 10 cents higher then he thought it should be. 
Drama vs. Me: No Retreat, No Surrender
Last Friday marked the latest addition to the growing list of reasons why it was a bad idea to move a teenager in with a newly divorced twenty-something hedonist. This event, however, beat the hell out of all the other reasons and rocketed to the top of the list. So forget about all the nice furniture and electronics...
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Last Friday marked the latest addition to the growing list of reasons why it was a bad idea to move a teenager in with a newly divorced twenty-something hedonist. This event, however, beat the hell out of all the other reasons and rocketed to the top of the list. So forget about all the nice furniture and electronics...
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VIEW 25 of 60 COMMENTS
da_bear:
Thank you. You rule.
Thank you. You rule.
infinitelykaty:
You may be right!
Last Weekend III: Revenge of Last Weekend
From now on, let Sunday the 7th of November be known as Easter II: Resurrection Boogaloo, for I have escaped from the icey embrace of my own death to walk the earth once again. When you go to church next year to begin your celebration of my inspiring tale of valor, you will all be baptised in a...
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From now on, let Sunday the 7th of November be known as Easter II: Resurrection Boogaloo, for I have escaped from the icey embrace of my own death to walk the earth once again. When you go to church next year to begin your celebration of my inspiring tale of valor, you will all be baptised in a...
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VIEW 25 of 47 COMMENTS
derceto:
a little birdie told me you were interested in a trip that we are taking. and of course, you are welcome to join.
seriously though, you are more than welcome to catch a ride with us. like he said as long as you can get to jersey its all good, it would just be traffic hell to go and get you. and at the very least if you aren't able to go along with us on friday and go up anyway i'll be more than happy to give you a ride home on sunday. i'm emailing you my number now so you've got it.
seriously though, you are more than welcome to catch a ride with us. like he said as long as you can get to jersey its all good, it would just be traffic hell to go and get you. and at the very least if you aren't able to go along with us on friday and go up anyway i'll be more than happy to give you a ride home on sunday. i'm emailing you my number now so you've got it.
wraith7000:
I will eat a chocoholic bunny in your sacred memory.
New York City Police Department
Incident Report
Incident Number 103104
Submitted by: Detective Frank Imperioli
It was a long week. I had been working day and night to solve my case, but at some point the Chief decided my time would be better spent in his office getting my chops busted instead of on the streets busting chops. Earlier in the week I ended up...
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Incident Report
Incident Number 103104
Submitted by: Detective Frank Imperioli
It was a long week. I had been working day and night to solve my case, but at some point the Chief decided my time would be better spent in his office getting my chops busted instead of on the streets busting chops. Earlier in the week I ended up...
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VIEW 25 of 57 COMMENTS
lemonkid:
Did I cut to the quick?
I'm waiting for a can of Crunk to fly out of an unmarked car and take me out gangsta-style.
I'm waiting for a can of Crunk to fly out of an unmarked car and take me out gangsta-style.
shmidol:
Yeah, just remember that the next time I bust you in the eye! 
Time to get a new job. Maybe I should dust off the old resume and see how it stands up to the man I am today.
UnnecessaryZ
OBJECTIVE: To obtain a position that will challenge my ability to care less than I already do about anything not directly related to writing. Management team that is not reduced to tears everytime someone rolls their eyes...
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UnnecessaryZ
OBJECTIVE: To obtain a position that will challenge my ability to care less than I already do about anything not directly related to writing. Management team that is not reduced to tears everytime someone rolls their eyes...
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VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
wren:
My resume is pretty extensive for being strictly about Wal-Mart. Very impressive. I've gotten hundreds of job offers. This one guy totally asked me if I wanted to be a desert sheik. Benefits included my own harem and six camels. But I didn't want to move out of tropical Minnesota, so I turned him down.
pav:
You won't mind if I "borrow" this resume for my application to be a magician fighter pilot...
Shit...n/m.
Shit...n/m.
The Emotional Trainwreck of the All-American Brawler
After the completely boring success of my first ever outing as a hired thug, I decided to make this entry about fighting. I'm doing this because I got myself all pumped up to be threatening for my little job, and nothing came out of it except one very nice lady handing me the money I came for. So...
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After the completely boring success of my first ever outing as a hired thug, I decided to make this entry about fighting. I'm doing this because I got myself all pumped up to be threatening for my little job, and nothing came out of it except one very nice lady handing me the money I came for. So...
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VIEW 25 of 44 COMMENTS
wren:
This journal entry reminded me of the time my younger brother's weak, quivering stomach met the smoking fury of my fist. Those were the good old days.
freyja__:
you know, i've actually managed to cover up that entire 2-way mirror in the kitchen with an armoire. now its just the noises behind the wall in my bedroom that freak me out.
i mean, really, tho.. that mirror was totally freaky.
i mean, really, tho.. that mirror was totally freaky.
Finally, after years of dreaming, someone has recognized my potential as a hired thug. There's a company out there that's owed us money in the six figure range for too long, and it's my job to get it. Telephone negotiations have failed, and playing it cool has gotten us nowhere. Tomorrow, after lunch, I leave my office to visit them, and I don't come back...
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VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
troglodyte:
The only bad thing about that is I'm not the scariest looking guy that works here.
Don't be so sure about that...
synnove:
you can doooo eeeet!
..... that line really isn't funny anymore.
..... that line really isn't funny anymore.
Great entry as per usual - fucking showoff.