PTSD and my own descovery of my new self.
On the 28th of March i started my journey back to the humanity i lost. Working with the Dene, Cree, Sioux, and the Dakota has introduced me to many great men. I have learned alot since the time i have been here. I met aa medicene man named Jimmy Montgrand. He knew me after talking to me for only a few seconds. When i got home from Iraq i never knew how to deal withmyself or even wanting to keep myself alive. But now that i am sober from hard drugs i need to know how to live again. To be able to deal with the people i had to kill and the orders i followed that I knew were wrong.
He invited me to a sweat ceromony and i had to wait till the full moon was out fully. When the day finally came i was nervous. I was more worried that this might change me. Even though it might be could for me i was stll afraid and ignorant to what was going to happen.
It all began thursday night. I had a very indepth talk to another Dene elder who told me the story of the warrior returning to battle. When the warriors would come back from whatever that the war had made them go through, they werentnt aloud to return to the camp for 6 days. The warriors painted there faces black and stayed away from everyone. Till on the sixth day they went through a pipe ritual and a sweat ceromony. During a certain amount of time they would participate in a Sun Dance. The tree used in a sundance was chopped down by the people in the villiage to signify the enomy. After the tree was errected in the town the warrior would used a flute made of an eagle feather and use hooks suspended in there bodies to feel the pain of there enemies and to transend into the spiritual realm.
The ritual i wen through was somewhat similar. The night of the ritual to begin i was to sleep under the hide of brother buffalo. I waslayed in the snow and cleansed by the smoke of sage in a smug bowl. Jimmy sang a song over my head in Dene andchanted till i almost went into a trance and fell asleep. I selpt better that night than anyother night in my life. The hide kept me warm in the freezing temperatures. I awoke the next morning, still fasting, and began to prepare for the sweat. Inside the sweat,which is a leather inclosed dome with a pit in the center. I cut firewood and rapped tobbacco in red cloth to remind me of everyone i know that died or that i had killed. After rapping the tobbaco i took my clothes off and sat under the red tail hawk head and next to a buffalo skull(which had the most amazing beed work on it i have ever seen). The rocks were brought in and place in the pit pointing in all the directions of the universe. Inside the sweat the whole universe is represented. I was placed in the south to be the focus of the red tail hwk and the wolf, which are my spirit animals. And the altar with the pipe, antler for the rocks, the ornate elk skull, and the great brother bison skull were placed in the west.
Then there were four faces to the ceromonies mostly the first two elict pray from the ancestors and then during the third face the dead are summoned and surrond us. When the chanting started during the third faze every thing i say in iraq, the death i saw, and the death i caused came to me in an instant. The heat was imparable in the beginning and then i went inot a deep trance and i felt my skin crawling and my mind was with all thoes people tht i ever hurt in my life. I was in total darkness. When the song ended i felt the heat from the rocks again and i was still shaking. my mind was a total blank but there was something missing. That thing i was missing was my quilt. Then the ceromony ended by passing the pipe and smoking it to cleanse our bodies.
After that that i feasted on bison some strange bread and berries from the forst. It still isnt over after jimmy waited until i was out of the trance he looked in my direction and told me that i will meet a wolf and when i see tht wolf i will be afraid, but i f i do not fear the wolf i will be able to live a happy life again.
On the 28th of March i started my journey back to the humanity i lost. Working with the Dene, Cree, Sioux, and the Dakota has introduced me to many great men. I have learned alot since the time i have been here. I met aa medicene man named Jimmy Montgrand. He knew me after talking to me for only a few seconds. When i got home from Iraq i never knew how to deal withmyself or even wanting to keep myself alive. But now that i am sober from hard drugs i need to know how to live again. To be able to deal with the people i had to kill and the orders i followed that I knew were wrong.
He invited me to a sweat ceromony and i had to wait till the full moon was out fully. When the day finally came i was nervous. I was more worried that this might change me. Even though it might be could for me i was stll afraid and ignorant to what was going to happen.
It all began thursday night. I had a very indepth talk to another Dene elder who told me the story of the warrior returning to battle. When the warriors would come back from whatever that the war had made them go through, they werentnt aloud to return to the camp for 6 days. The warriors painted there faces black and stayed away from everyone. Till on the sixth day they went through a pipe ritual and a sweat ceromony. During a certain amount of time they would participate in a Sun Dance. The tree used in a sundance was chopped down by the people in the villiage to signify the enomy. After the tree was errected in the town the warrior would used a flute made of an eagle feather and use hooks suspended in there bodies to feel the pain of there enemies and to transend into the spiritual realm.
The ritual i wen through was somewhat similar. The night of the ritual to begin i was to sleep under the hide of brother buffalo. I waslayed in the snow and cleansed by the smoke of sage in a smug bowl. Jimmy sang a song over my head in Dene andchanted till i almost went into a trance and fell asleep. I selpt better that night than anyother night in my life. The hide kept me warm in the freezing temperatures. I awoke the next morning, still fasting, and began to prepare for the sweat. Inside the sweat,which is a leather inclosed dome with a pit in the center. I cut firewood and rapped tobbacco in red cloth to remind me of everyone i know that died or that i had killed. After rapping the tobbaco i took my clothes off and sat under the red tail hawk head and next to a buffalo skull(which had the most amazing beed work on it i have ever seen). The rocks were brought in and place in the pit pointing in all the directions of the universe. Inside the sweat the whole universe is represented. I was placed in the south to be the focus of the red tail hwk and the wolf, which are my spirit animals. And the altar with the pipe, antler for the rocks, the ornate elk skull, and the great brother bison skull were placed in the west.
Then there were four faces to the ceromonies mostly the first two elict pray from the ancestors and then during the third face the dead are summoned and surrond us. When the chanting started during the third faze every thing i say in iraq, the death i saw, and the death i caused came to me in an instant. The heat was imparable in the beginning and then i went inot a deep trance and i felt my skin crawling and my mind was with all thoes people tht i ever hurt in my life. I was in total darkness. When the song ended i felt the heat from the rocks again and i was still shaking. my mind was a total blank but there was something missing. That thing i was missing was my quilt. Then the ceromony ended by passing the pipe and smoking it to cleanse our bodies.
After that that i feasted on bison some strange bread and berries from the forst. It still isnt over after jimmy waited until i was out of the trance he looked in my direction and told me that i will meet a wolf and when i see tht wolf i will be afraid, but i f i do not fear the wolf i will be able to live a happy life again.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
There is a sertain person that is worried about you....
xxx
You are too sweet....
Lots of love.