i guess what i'm wondering is, what's wrong with me now?

i just spent the last three years with someone i feel i don't even know. oh sure, everything started out fine and happy and yeah - the sex was great and experimental (learned a few kinks about myself)...but i guess what it comes down to is..was i ever REALLY happy?

i started out semi-confident, which eventually grew when a 6'3, black haired, chocolate eyed - practically abercrombie model told me he loved me. well thats all fine and dandy until we fast forward three years later and i'm here.

i gave him everything i had to make him happy, and when my life outside of him started to blast itself away (parents selling the house, parents getting seperated, mom getting sicker, dad going insane etc) i started to realize this man i thought i'd marry was never really there for me at all.

my grandfather died in february, and instead of offering to go to his funeral with me, he refused and couldn't understand why i would need someone there for "moral support." i was to get over it, and fast - cause that's life. and as i expected, i was the shoulder everyone cried on while i had no one. i still have yet to grieve over his death.

this put me in a bit of a shell shock state - realizing that i'm giving him everything and he just doesnt seem to know when to care. all he did care about was the video games and the sex, which lost all meaning (for me anyway) since every time in the last year he needed alcohol and porn to last more than 5 minutes. just a little sad.

he's currently in law school and loved to shove that in my face - he's got a higher IQ than me - so what do i know. i had to quit school due to family issues and was constantly brought up. the few months before he went for his first semester, we never left the video game domain, and god forbid i would want to do anything or see anyone.

in november he came back for a week. he almost...

i guess what i'm wondering is, what's wrong with me now?

i just spent the last three years with someone i feel i don't even know. oh sure, everything started out fine and happy and yeah - the sex was great and experimental (learned a few kinks about myself)...but i guess what it comes down to is..was i ever REALLY happy?

i started out semi-confident, which eventually grew when a 6'3, black haired, chocolate eyed - practically abercrombie model told me he loved me. well thats all fine and dandy until we fast forward three years later and i'm here.

i gave him everything i had to make him happy, and when my life outside of him started to blast itself away (parents selling the house, parents getting seperated, mom getting sicker, dad going insane etc) i started to realize this man i thought i'd marry was never really there for me at all.

my grandfather died in february, and instead of offering to go to his funeral with me, he refused and couldn't understand why i would need someone there for "moral support." i was to get over it, and fast - cause that's life. and as i expected, i was the shoulder everyone cried on while i had no one. i still have yet to grieve over his death.

this put me in a bit of a shell shock state - realizing that i'm giving him everything and he just doesnt seem to know when to care. all he did care about was the video games and the sex, which lost all meaning (for me anyway) since every time in the last year he needed alcohol and porn to last more than 5 minutes. just a little sad.

he's currently in law school and loved to shove that in my face - he's got a higher IQ than me - so what do i know. i had to quit school due to family issues and was constantly brought up. the few months before he went for his first semester, we never left the video game domain, and god forbid i would want to do anything or see anyone.

in november he came back for a week. he almost ruined thanksgiving for everyone, threatened to leave, wouldnt listen to me and then went for a walk for 3 hrs. eventually he came back, refused to eat dinner, invited a friend over and just started drinking. i went black friday shopping with friends. otherwise - everyday we woke up around 2, and started on the video games....i would come back from work around 8pm - more video games. saturday was the worst - i have work in the morning instead, came home at 2pm - he's just waking up...and what do you know - video games. i got fed up at 8:30pm...went downstairs and read. by the time sunday morning came around he gave me a quick peck on the lips (which he almost didnt do) and went back to PA.

on thanksgiving my grandmother was also put in the hospital and was there for a full week. because of this i started hanging out with my family again and making sure they were all okay. the boy didn't approve. apparently since i was putting them before him he felt less important. because he should be number one in my life at all times no matter what circumstances.

he proceeded to give me an ultimatum over the phone...him or my family. well, after everything going on that was easy. got easier when he told me he's not aroused by me anymore. his words not mine. i started crying and he couldn't understand why. but he still loved me...despite the fact that i was not the amanda he first layed eyes on, or the amanda he first fell in love with. oh wellz. can't win them all

throughout this whole debacle i had one friend - christopher - from high school who kept helping me through and listening to me when he wouldnt. when the boy told me to pack - i did (much to his surprise). i moved in with christopher. it was an easy transfer since in high school we were always closer than friends.

it has taken the boy about three weeks to realize what he's done - to start apologizing and wishing he could make it up to me. although i feel a little strange - the last three years meaning nothing now - i just cant imagine going back. i imagined him coming home for the next break - me on the other side of the couch, holding a blanket over myself, nauseous and wondering if i disgust him yet today. my entire self-esteem took a beating. if it werent for christopher telling me otherwise, id probably hate myself and who knows where i'd be.

despite christopher's efforts to make me feel good about myself again, i feel as though i need to do something for myself to see me for me, and be happy with me. i tried out for suicide girls when i was 18 and chickened out when i got the approval email...maybe this time i'll be brave enough to become a hopeful, and keep up with it.

i want to love myself again, i just have to find the right steps to get there.