So 4th of July was pretty crazy.

I brought a guy I was interested in to the party I went to. He was kind of quiet, but my friends like him and think he has the most gorgeous eyes. What do you think?



I don't know if there's any spark there yet, but I think we're both still just kind of shy with each other. Meh we'll see. He's definitely a cool guy and I would still like him as a friend to hang out with at parties.





Definitely needed that time with my girls.

So he's not coming back for 4th of July. We had a good talk about things and I'm content with it. We both have to go in our separate ways. We always went back to each other when we knew it wouldn't do either of us any good.

I met a guy who reminds me a lot him. I don't know if I like him because he reminds me of my past, or because that's my type.

I invited another guy to go out with me to 4th of July. I just didn't want to be alone for that day. We'll be at my friend's huge 4th of July bash. I'm excited. I bought a cute orange dress with a scarf. Although a lot of people have been telling me that they hate orange. Whatever. My dress is hot.


Back to simpler times.

I have been doing something horrible lately. I have been cutting myself off from my friends and the rest of the world.

I'm in a really fragile/bitter state right now, so whenever someone says something that pisses me off. I'm like, screw you, fuck you, I don't need you anymore. Leave me the fuck alone and get out of my life.

I have been blocking people on my friends list. Deleting phone numbers, pictures, erasing them from my life.

It's not healthy.

Just came back from running 3 miles. It's amazing outside. I really need to get fit again. I used to have a great body, now I'm all BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Need to work on my fitness.



Need to get back to that status.

My girlfriends have been awesome in trying to help me out. They tell me to talk about it and to let it all out. I shed a few tears, not cried, yesterday at work. One of the girls got me tissues and hugged me. I'm really glad I have some amazing friends to talk to and really encourage me to let it all out. I say I'm bitter, they say I'm fragile.

Today I'll be going to the summer jam concert, which I am really excited about. I don't like a lot of the lineup since I don't know who they are, forgive me, but I'm glad I'm going anyway because I just need to keep myself busy and have my spirits up. Also, tomorrow I'll be heading to the beach for the first time this season which is very exciting.

I'm excited to see these people at summer jam today:

I haven't been able to sleep all night. I found myself waking up almost every hour. I have been up since around 5am. I guess I just want to remember this day. Today is my last day with him.

I have a hotel room for tonight. I just wanted to be able to lay in bed with him for the last time. Lay there with my head on his chest, curling his chest hair between my fingers. Feel his hand run up and down my back.

I hope I don't cry tonight.

This just might hurt a little
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right
Don't be afraid of a little bit of pain
Pleasure is on the other side

Let down your guard just a little
I'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
Hold on to me - pretty baby
You will see I can be all you need

*le sigh

if only it were that easy. he leaves on saturday. and that is that.

So right at this moment I am at my best friend's house. I'm not sure how much longer I will be here.

Last night my family and I had a huge argument and it ended with me leaving the house. My mother invited me back home, but I don't even know if I want to go back to the house anymore.

My friend Zack in Florida has invited me to come live with him. I can live there and he will come pick me up or get me a plane ticket. I can start working there and go to school there. Says I can stay as long as I need to get back on my feet. Which sounds really really great. I am definitely considering it. I just know it'll be such a hard transition.

I've never left home and I've always been so sheltered. Is this what I should do, is this what I need to do? I'm 20 years old and my parents have done everything for me without me asking and yet they yell at me for it. Maybe I need to grow up and just break away from them. I know it's going to be tough because I'll be so far away and I'll miss my friends and my other doggies back at home.

I don't know how I got into this mess. All I know is that I definitely don't want to live with them anymore. For so long I had been working and paying for school. Going to school so I can finally get out. Apparently it just all isn't happening fast enough and they want me out.

One thing for sure is that if I do move to Florida, I don't ever want to speak to any of them again. I want to cut all ties with them and make sure they don't know where I am.

So at this very moment I am cleaning my room because I felt like it was time to rearrange everything in my room. I'm finally taking out all the useless stuff in my room. Well I guess as they say, a cluttered room is a cluttered mind, right? So I'm hoping after this that I will feel a lot better about some events that are occurring in my life.

Maybe I will take some after pictures of what my room finally looks like when it is nice and neat Very few lucky people get to see what this pinai's sex haven is like

i don't feel like going to class today I didn't do any of my homework for english since I've been so busy. I know I should go since spring break is next week...but UGH. damnit.